Inside A Fractured Mind

by **Project Willow** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:44 am

sw, I echo the others' sentiments here. I just want to say, a lot of this info can be very triggering to read. But know also we all have internal helpers that the perps cannot control. They try, but they cannot have ultimate control. It's a lesson some humans never seem to learn. Those who want dominion cannot put out all fires. If you are worried that some parts whom you thought were helpers might not be, just ask. You'll be able to tell. Have you seen that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I havent' seen it myself, but I am told that when the main character changes his mind and wants to keep his memories, he tries to hide them from the doctor inside. As kids we employed many strategies like that. I have no doubt you did these things too, and those are the things that tell you who you really are and where you want to go.

by **jenz** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:13 am

sw - adding my 2pence worth to what others have said. I am constantly impressed by the message of hope which survivors bring to us all, in their struggle to be truly themselves. absolutely, you don't have to be dragged in to thought processes which are like the snake swallowing its own tail - " oh maybe I'm just doing this or thinking this because they meant me to" . it seems to me that the one thing perps don't want is for survivors to communicate and relate outside the plan - and when they do, as you have, well Yipee!, thats one in the eye for them.

by **Dreams End** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:20 am

Banned, you absolutely freaked me out with that post. I do private tutoring for a living, both on my own and through a local service. I just got a new student I met for the first time yesterday just a few hours before your post. I sat and talked with his Mom and him. I'm sort of intuitive with people and I had ALL kinds of alarms going off. The first one being when his mom said they had home schooled him for two years and then admitted that they actually didn't provide anything educational. Found out from him later that he was simply left alone during the day every day for those two years. He spoke of that time a bit later in our conversation, or maybe it was the tough school times in the years leading up to his homeschooling, as being unpleasant and him trying to "brainwash" (his word) himself to forget these times. But here's the point of the post, banned, and I hope you read this because I think you can be a resource for me here. It turns out he has no friends and no hobbies, save one. He "makes up characters" in his head. I didn't probe too hard with his mom there but I diplomatically booted her from the room for a bit. He described how he is definitely creating the characters, they don't appear spontaneously and he follows their lives. He only described one in pretty good detail and that character's job was to travel around and learn about the other characters. I asked if the characters ever popped up when he didn't want them to and he said not really but sometimes when things are boring at school he has to work hard not to think about them. They don't interact in his "real world"...that is, they won't say, "Hey, you better go pay attention to the teacher." As I stated, my wife is DID, so I was very interested in this side of this young man. It's not the same thing but I think there are enough similarities to be interesting and maybe also to tell me that there's bad things going on in this young man's life. Do you know the term "flat affect"? This was this young man. He showed no emotion whatsoever. The mother was pleasant enough...she and her husband are both professionals. She is extremely religious (Catholic) and refers to the Virgin Mary as "mom". She told me she had pulled her son out of school a few years ago (he's beginning his second year back in regular school) on the saint day for the Virgin of Guadalupe. I asked if this date was significant and she just said "Mom likes my son." Actually, I appreciate the strains of Catholicism that have remembered the feminine aspects of the design and under different circumstances I'd find the use of "mom" for Mary to be rather charming in a quirky way. But that, too, kinda creeped me out. Anyway, the fact that this young man described EXACTLY the process you mentioned, banned, on the same day has really got my attention as I'd never heard of this before. Anyone else with insight into this? It's possible that the neglect of being left alone all day every day might explain it but he was 12 - 14 when that was going on, and though it's not good parenting, I wonder if that's enough to explain it. And to SW: If you are reading this, I was hard on you the other day for a posting you put up. I apologize...I just didn't know what to make of it. But I want to say this, I think what's important for you is having a very competent therapist who works only on what you present and with the alters you and she uncover together. I don't think you should be researching as you are...it's too triggering and to be honest, too much wrong information out there. I don't buy the starman post. No offense to starman, and I haven't researched it so I could be wrong. However, if I'm right, then you are reacting stongly to something that's not even true. That's why I think you should avoid such research...too much of it is unsourced and speculative and Cathy O'Brien, the subject of Jeff's recent post, is a great example of how truth and falsehood can all get thrown in together. I don't discuss any of this with my wife. I think your therapists idea (which I might have taken wrong from your description) of "trying things on for size" is a bad idea. You can resonate positively or negatively with a person or image without that image being literally true. Whatever has happened to you, the truth is there inside... I really hope you won't take one post (well meaning as it may have been) as somehow a definitive take on the truth and rethink your whole life because of it. If this network is as widespread and high up as you and PW and others maintain, then it would be absolutely essential for those bad guys to put out all kinds of disinformation that misdirects and, as Jeff's post today indicates, make them seem all powerful. They aren't all powerful. In fact, it is their own mistaken beliefs that they ARE all powerful that will eventually bring them down. Back to banned: any more info on why you started this "character building" process? You may really help a young person out with this info.

by sw » Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:44 pm

by **Avalon** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:06 pm

I don't think you've mentioned your age, sw, but you might not know this, and we all go through through our life passages on our own schedule. Perimenopausal changes can bring on migraines. I had them for about 6 months when I was 40. Then they just stopped, and I haven't really had them since. That period was also accompanied by a lot of psychic opening. My step-sister (and some others I've known )has also has found this, and she and I have no connection genetically. There may be a number of reasons you are having migraines. Stress, body imbalances, maybe even something nutritional (the Dr. Pepper probably doesn't help) could also be causing them. Hope you can get help with them soon. I know you don't need this on top of everything else in your life.

by sw » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:09 pm

by **banned** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 9:54 pm

...dreams end! It sounds like this is a very lonely young man who is probably quite creative but stuck in a limited world of religious fanatacism. I was an only child raised by my grandmother after my father died and my mother had to go to work; she was a very cold, uncommunicative woman who sat and chain-smoked Kents while watching TV or doing housework, and other than to yell at me and worry about my bowel regularity pretty much ignored me. In grade school my mother suddenly converted to Catholicism and parked me in a parochial school where I thought what they taught me was the nuttiest stuff this side of a Disney movie, except those were MOVIES. I was lucky though, I had playmates because from age 2 on Grandma just opened the door and let me go wherever I wanted and play with older kids, and I did go to school even if it was with religious zombies. This poor boy you mentioned is being emotionally abused for sure, who knows what other types of abuse, but unless you see clear signs of physical or sexual abuse I don't know what you can do, and even if he was removed from the home where will he go for the socialization experiences he missed? If you can be a friend to him, and it sounds like he trusts you, maybe you can help him find his way out of the limited world he's stuck in now. His feelings may come back to life as he has someone he can talk to freely who will validate those feelings as they emerge. My characters never interacted in my world either--I simply entered theirs and closed out mine. I'd be sitting bored stiff in a midwestern Catholic school class on a blustery day with a nun drilling grammar I'd already figured out several grades ago, but in my head I was in London or New York or the Greek Islands watching my interesting characters and their interesting lives. I was a voracious reader, so because I couldn't physically go to the places, let alone the times I read about, I'd incorporate what interested me into the characters' world--not exactly consciously, but it would flow from my subconscious. Another weird thing--I got my own chill reading sw talking about the car accident. In May of my fifth grade year my mother rear-ended someone and I had a bad concussion. I had to stay out of school for a couple of weeks due to the bad bruising on my face. My friends even came to the house to make sure I wasn't dead. The following summer my grandmother--not the one who raised me, my father's mother whom I was crazy about--died and my mother remarried, we moved to a new home...I always felt that that car accident catapulted me into a totally different reality. My life was before and after. My stepfather was determined to control me--I have a vivid memory of the day he forced me to light a match. They weren't even married yet. I was terrified of fire and of burning to death. I was only 10, and there was certainly no reason I NEEDED to be able to light a match. He stood over me in the dining room and I was shaking and nauseated but he bullied me till I lit the match. My mother just sat there and let him do it. I never 'got' why, other than the assertion of control. I have since had people give me many theories for my fear of fire--reincarnation (died in one in a past life), ESP (am going to die in one in this life), trauma from witnessing a broiler fire in my aunt's stove when I was four-ish, or, alternatively, my best friend and I seeing one of his neighbors set his arm on fire while firing up a charcoal grill when I was 7 or so. I just know it was cruel and there was something very sick about a man doing that to a child he wasn't even yet a steparent of. Anyway--who knows what really happened in the weeks after that that I would think I had literally gone to another universe. I used to wish and long to be able to go back through the 'wormhole' to the universe where my good grandmother was still alive and we lived in our old house and I wasn't subject to that man. But I never did.

by sw » Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:46 pm

by **Dreams End** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:18 am

I just saw a movie called "Serenity". I'm going to give away some plot... so don't read if you plan to say...the plot will be...familiar. And don't see it if you are multi/mc. Okay, here's why I'm adding this. This is scifi set "in the future". One of the main characters is a teenage girl. When younger, she is programmed through the use of drugs and induced hallucinations to be both a weapon and psychic. She gets away from her controllers: an alliance with a grand plan of keeping the world "sin free". She watches a commercial on a screen which has subliminal programming that turns her into an assassin. The term they used for this in the movie was "being triggered". Her brother stops her violence by using her "safe word" which immediately puts her to sleep. Scary visions come to her but they track back to her "programming". While I'm sure screenwriters can surf the net as well as anyone, I thought it was interesting. In fact the other movie I saw tonight (rare double feature night for me) was "History of Violence". The guy wasn't actually a multiple, but he basically behaved as one. Good performance there as the ONLY way he indicated which one he was (good guy or bad guy) was with his eyes. He simply softened them when the good guy was out. Wasn't really a DID thing as (definite plot spoiler...but see neither of these movies if triggering is a concern) he started out bad and worked hard somehow to create this nice guy...nevertheless the nice guy was like a fully functioning alter. This theme seems to be out there these days.

by **Project Willow** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:39 am

Thanks for the warning about Serenity DE. I have a friend who has seen it recently. Didn't it originate from a TV series? He was going to loan me his copy of the series, I think I'll pass now. Have you seen the movie Identity? It was extremely clever, but it triggered the hell out of me. Bad guy was DID as is sometimes the case in movies unfortunately.

Inside A Fractured Mind

Re: re:soul warrior?

sw

banned freaking me out

Thanks

migraines

car wreck

Very weird indeed...

Avalon!

Movie: Serenity

Re: Movie: Serenity

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