Serenity

[Project Willow]

Actually, sw, many, many times you've provided much better feedback than me. I admire the compassion with which you deal with your littles, my own system could use a lesson in that. <br>Your way may very well work better with DE's wife, or some combination, or something else entirely. I just wanted to give him an alternative, and try to make a point about avoiding anything close to re-programming, even though that's not what you were advising.<br><br><!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>I knew some survivors who had parts that were called Goonies. It was like an entire layer of them used to block something else.<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--><br><br>Could you say more about this? I hadn't heard of it specifically before.<br> <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=projectwillow@rigorousintuition>Project Willow</A> at: 12/27/05 6:35 pm<br></i>

[sw]

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[Project Willow]

Thanks for sharing that sw.<br><br>IR, I completely identify with what you're saying. When a handler contcted me this spring it hit me that he knew more of my memories than I did, and how strange that is. My history is contained in a set of files somewhere and these people can call and remind parts of things, trigger the hell out of me in other words, and it will all be new to my front parts. It's so disturbing. I'd like to turn some of my trained fighter parts on them.<br><br>As for the movie Serenity, the first time I watched it I thought, this writer knows someone inside the programs. There were a few lines, and I don't remember them being in any of the memoirs I've read, but perhaps they were. But those few lines were very specific, and I don't believe they ended up in the movie accidentally. The writer has at least read the literature.<br><br>I'm pretty unhappy with hollywood's use of this material. It's like you said Jenz, we're crying out for recognition of our realities. Can't one of these people make a decent documentary please???<br><br>Here's another rant. Since my recent reintroduction into "normal" society, I've learned that most people, even those who come to know me, can't handle knowing my history. I've heard "I don't want to hear about it" so many times lately I'm about to puke. Maybe I'm mad about the movie because at least in fiction, someone does something about the bad guys.<br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

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[Dreams End]

Thanks everyone. I just put my wife in the hospital. I HATE psychiatric hospitals. However, I did not feel I could keep her safe. Every time I left the room she was cutting on herself again. She was actually quite offended that I made her stop carving "help" or "hell" on her leg before she was done.<br><br>And she was so out of her mind that she didn't know where she was. Also she WANTED to go to the hospital. She had packed her bags yesterday and gotten ready but couldn't remember where we were going. Well, nowhere, but it's clear now that she was also worried about her own ability to be safe and was preparing for the hospital.<br><br>The first two she had been in sucked. This is a new one and her psychiatrist is also based there, so she won't have to explain DID to him! That's a relief. I don't think he completely buys it, but in my talk with him before I took her in, he did seem to have the basic idea that she has fragmented parts of herself that aren't integrated into her overall self and that this means some rough times on occasion. I think that's pretty good. I'm going to meet with her therapist tomorrow, since my wife can't go anyway. Her therapist thinks maybe my wife (I've been calling her Debbie, so I'll go back to that) is not bringing everything to the sessions. And Debbie has such a need to please authority figures, that I think she won't admit when things are pretty bad.<br><br>As for the sweatshirt with "Mom Loves Me Best", I have yet to talk to Debbie's siblings to see if they got one too, but her Mom was very cryptic about the whole thing when Debbie talked to her and asked. Didn't want Debbie to tell her brother and sister about the shirt. She already had, of course.<br><br>And then I realized that she was maybe sending me a message too. In fact, I'm starting to move into the healthy paranoid stage with this. I've communicated some with both of Debbie's parents. First, to explain the diagnosis. I made no judgments about where the DID came from, but was quite clear that it comes from childhood trauma (could be a neighbor or uncle...you never know). Both parents immediately, and separately (they are divorced) brought up the story I've shared about how Debbie, at 3 years old, was constipated and how every day for a year they had to hold her down and put a suppository in her as she kicked and screamed. As a parent, or step-parent anyway, I can't imagine trying that approach more than a time or two before I busted out the Ex-lax. <br><br>But her Mom ALSO wrote me to say that she'd taken Debbie to a child psychiatrist, again, when Devi was three (for the constipation issue?). Then Debbie's Mom claimed the psychiatrist said Debbie had an "Electra" complex and that trouble would resurface when Debbie was a teenager.<br><br>If you are familiar with what an Electra complex is supposed to be, you'll know why I sent this note immediately to her therapist. You see, an Electra complex is (allegedly, surely these types of theories are no longer used) the idea that a daughter wants to seduce her father or has sexual feelings for her father and the inability to resolve those feelings leads to conflict. Let me repeat for those just scanning, Debbie was THREE YEARS OLD at the time. That clearly MUST be bogus. I don't think there ever was any such diagnosis, though certainly there are some bad shrinks out there.<br><br>Anyway, I've shown her mom that I have some idea what I'm talking about and that I've done some research. <br><br>So, this is why I now wonder about the motivation of the shirt she sent me. It said: "Dangerously Overeducated. " Starting to sound a bit like a threat to me. <br><br>Her mom had revealed that she, too, is DID but never really said much else or admitted to having pursued it much in therapy. She merely said that her therapist had said of her other personalities that she "had to integrate them". Oh, so THAT'S what you do. How simple! Several tens of thousands of dollars and 8 years or so of therapy added into the equation of course.<br><br>I'm going to ask Debbie to allow me to overtly ask the parents not to contact or call here again...at least for now. This will piss off her sister, who is very supportive, but very reluctant to accept that things of the magnitude necessary to bring on DID could possibly be the result of actions of her parents (yes, mom had a temper, but...etc etc.) I don't know how else to handle it. There is no way to PROVE the sweatshirt message was intentionally cruel or meant to be triggering, so the siblings won't understand this reaction. <br><br>Here's her system, just for information (can you tell it helps me to write about this stuff, and I appreciate the "listening" as well as the advice.)<br><br>There are at least four kids. Wisper, who comes out a LOT. Little Debbie (not her name, but using the name I'm giving my wife for this) who's a bit older and I don't ever know for sure if I'm talking to her. A ten year old boy who loves sports. And a girl without a mouth (symbolism for even the densest of us) who I used to call Silence but has "told" Wisper that her name is Sarah. (Wisper says Sarah can "think things" to her.) I shared in another post how Sarah used to live in one of the jail cell but had been freed, leading to a rush of powerful sadness and grief for Debbie, but no actual memories. Maybe that's a blessing. <br><br>Also in jail cells are a baby, about whom we know nothing, and a monster, who we now call "Rage." He was active a few weeks ago and leads to suicidal impulses. I have this hunch, however, that he's not destructive like this worm or "squiggling man" (the description she finally decided fit the best) who is "eating her brain." He's angry, but maybe he can become an ally. There is Spike, an angry teenager, who doesn't talk directly to me but told me through Debbie that she resents that I think of her only in one-dimensional terms as "angry." I responded that the only time I ever see her on the outside is when she IS angry, but we are working that out. There's also T.C. (for "tough chick") who holds much of the depression and suicidality but who also puts on the leather jacket and faces the world. <br><br>Finally, there are "blanket people" who basically put her into catatonia when the emotions get too out of control. She doesn't like them, but I've actually been thankful for them on occasion. Turn her right into a little statue, but only for a half hour or so. <br><br>And then the Goonies. Definitely shame related, as all they do is make fun of her and criticize her. But they do tend to be most active as she's getting close to uncomfortable memories.<br><br>The Squiggling Man "eating her brain" is the first thing I've encountered so far that really sounded like a deliberate program. All the rest of the alters had a clear "backstory", a reason to exist that is known to us for the most part. "Jack" came about when she started pretending to be a boy so she could play soccer with the other boys when they lived in Italy. Wisper came into being (this is the ONLY "assisted" memory (via EMDR) that she's had) when her Mom got mad at Debbie and told her if she was going to act like a baby then she'd be treated like a baby and put diapers on her (she was too old for diapers...4 or 5) and made her go to bed. Debbie saw her brother playing outside and, it seems, Wisper came into being to play while Debbie was sad and humiliated in the bed. But the "eating the brain". At the very least, I can imagine a threat to a child "Don't tell or a monster will eat your brain." <br><br>So these alters have a logic about them, for the most part. The Squiggling Man...the monster eating her brain...that one made me wonder. Sounded like a "self-destruct" program to me. And it created SUCH a compulsion to cut. <br><br>Anyway, she's in the hospital. If this follows the usual pattern, she'll be READY to come out in a couple days but then the weekend will hit and she'll spend a restless and useless weekend (minimal staff) at the hospital. But after having gathered all the knives in the house and thrown them into my car only to have her carving on herself with scissors, it had to be done.<br><br>More insights welcome. Oh, and if anyone has ever heard anything alarming about a "Finneytown (Cincinnati) Church of God" Kindergarten in the early 70's (worth a shot) do let me know. Debbie went there, and with nonreligious parents, it seemed a little odd she'd go to a Pentacostal kindergarten. There WAS a split off from the Church of God that got in big trouble for child abuse, but it was a pretty small group way off in some other state, but I thought I'd put it out there.<br><br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

Just got a call from Debbie. Hysterical. She's been there for four hours and they wouldn't give her her medication (so let's add Xanax withdrawal to her problems) or even let her take a smoke break (nicotine withdrawal) and then, after having been very clearly told she was vegeterian, provided her a hamburger to eat (so now she's starving as well.) <br><br>Luckily for her, I happen to be good at dealing with bullshit like that, and with two phone calls going at the same time, one to her Shrink (who pretty much told me "they got busy, fucked up and now they are covering up their mistakes") and the hospital in the other, I had her smoke break arranged, the meds on the way and an apology from a nurse directly to her. I really wonder about people who have no one who can advocate for THEM, however.<br><br>Meanwhile, as I explained to the psychiatrist, "I hear you say "covering up" and this doesn't inspire confidence in this hospital. " <br><br>The problem is, I have no reason to believe she is over the self-destructive stuff that I put her in for in the first place AND if she leaves now against medical advice but ends up in the hospital again...no coverage. So we are screwed here.<br><br>I got her to agree to stay until her psychiatrist sees her tomorrow and then, if she still feels like they are making her worse rather than better, I'll pick her up and, AMA or not, I'll bring her home. <br><br>The first hospital was very similar to this experience. She came in completely disoriented. They'd come into her room and say "breakfast time" or "lunch time" but she thought the food was coming to her like a regular hospital. She wasn't eating and no one was paying any attention or helping her figure it out. Oh, and this was on the "suicide watch" floor. Nice attentiveness.<br><br>And the odds of getting her to go to the hospital again (only in the extremest of emergencies will I ever consider that) somewhat lower than the odds of George Bush singing the Internationale arm in arm with Hugo Chavez.<br><br>Thanks a lot...... <p></p><i></i>

[chiggerbit]

Yikes. <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=chiggerbit@rigorousintuition>chiggerbit</A> at: 12/28/05 12:43 am<br></i>

[jenz]

DE, I am feeling for you at this time,fwiw. I'd say lose th sweatshirts and block off or sidetrack Mom if at all pos. there is a problem (which is built in) to ra, in that innocent things are used to trigger, and so one can never be totally sure when someone does something like the sweatshirt messages, but it sounds too spooky, sent to both of you. xanax is a funny thing to be taking - on a long term basis. <p></p><i></i>

[Project Willow]

Yikes indeed.<br><br>Losing control like that, not being able to eat or smoke, it's re-traumatization.<br><br>I can't imagine going to a hospital at this point, I can't even have a simple check-up at a doctor's office without being triggered out of my head. Though I understand feeling out of control and needing someone to make the pain stop and take care of me. <br><br>Is it possible to send her to a DID unit?<br> <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

No such thing as a DID unit in this neck of the woods. I sure wish there were.<br><br>Much of the hospital stuff was a fluke, though badly handled. The holidays had brought in a LOT of psych patients, all at once. Rather than admit they were understaffed, they tried to blame her psychiatrist for not calling back, which wasn't true. She seemed much better later last night though.<br><br>Getting some new sorts of info from Debbie's sister, who I thought was just in a state of denial. Debbie's mom is DID and, although no one seems to be able to describe specific behaviors, it is clear that parts of her mom were manipulative and even cruel. Her sister is younger, so knows nothing of Debbie's youngest years. Her sister admits that it's possible their mom was even more cruel than she really realizes. Her examples were kinda weak, but it had more to do with how her mom "switches" when she's angry into an immature and hurtful person...often a teenager. Don't know how often that turned physical but it sounds like the verbal stuff, given the personality shifts, was pretty tough. And lots of insults etc etc.<br><br>One thing I'll toss out there is that Debbie's grandfather, whom she loved and has nothing but positive feeling for (this is her mom's dad) was a fairly well respected folkorist who traveled the world getting stories and legends of various cultures. He has many published books. He's also NOT the one, from anyone's conscious recall, who abused Debbie's mom..that was a stepfather. The grandfather was often not even around. <br><br>I mention him because one of his first cultures he delved into, experientially as well as academically, was voodoo. He may have been one of the first, if not THE first white westerner to publish scholarly material on the subject. I don't want to stereotype practitioners of voodoo. But I do know that part of voodoo is allowing your body to be taken over by "gods" (I forget the actual term they use.) While the alters in someone DID are usually (but not always) far more prosaic types than gods, there is certainly a similar dynamic here. Everything I know about him suggests he was a great guy, but in the interest of leaving no stone unturned......input welcome.<br><br>And just talked to Debbie...she's okay...pretty heavily medicated. They wouldn't even let her keep the special blanket she brought to soothe her littles. Because some people smuggle stuff in woven into blankets and they won't bother to simply search, they have this policy. so you see how FAR she is from being on a DID unit! <br><br>Her psychiatrist has seen her and, I think atypically, again advised that this crisis is temporary. He's upped her meds and added a mood stabilizer, but just to get her through this period. <br><br>Anyway, thanks again for all the listening and advice. <p></p><i></i>

[Avalon]

Dreams End, since the blanket that would help the little ones is not able to travel everywhere with Debbie, is there some way a non-physical equivalent might have the same effect?<br><br>I'm wondering if there is some sort of nurturing hand gesture she could make when needed, that would be understood by her and the little ones to be the "essence" of the blanket, and thus equivalent.<br><br>Are you able to be getting some time and space right now to do things that nurture and renew <!--EZCODE ITALIC START--><em>you</em><!--EZCODE ITALIC END--> at this time when you are under a lot of stress?<br><br>Sounds like the sweatshirts are a hearty "fuck you" to both of you.<br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

I think we are going to be pushing to get her out. I just talked to her and things at that hospital aren't much better. She went there ready to really work...willingly....to use the time for healing. But today, almost none of the groups even happened. In addition, she was not able to get anyone to give her antibiotic cream for the cuts on her leg. She was given her xanax at dinner instead of bed time...and since they gave her veggie soup made with BEEF broth, she promptly threw up both the soup and the medication and they would not provide her any more. <br><br>I'll take her out AMA if we have to but I'm hoping that with my assurance, her psychiatrist, who knows both of us, will release her without that label, as it messes with future insurance. <br><br>It's really frustrating that just the bare minimum of care is not being provided. I feel guilty for having put her there...as I had vowed not to. I didn't act quick enough to get Risperdal and then it got to the point where I couldn't leave the house to even pick some up.<br><br>My advice to any and all who have DID is not to live in Nashville, TN.<br><br>She sounds okay, in general, but I'm sure this experience simply brought out her "taking care of business" alters. I just hope the "I'm gonna kick your ass alters" will stay under control. Not that I'd blame them for coming out...but they could get her switched to involuntary...and that could do her in. <br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[jenz]

about hosping her dreams, not your fault the health service is crap. so far 6 hosps in different locations in 3 countries have had NO TREATMENT adapted to ra sufferers for one I care for, and that is just the start , but sometimes, nevetheless, you have to take what there is, so a person can be kept safe. pretty basic criteria. I know of 2 psychs who lost their jobs by believing sra patients and others who have been threatened. sometimes, good psych care comes from people who can't let on what their real diagnosis is for their own safety. its complicated, you are doing what you can, not your fault. <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

Haven't heard from her today. Mornings are busy. The tricky part is that one of her alters, TC, will, as a part of the usual pattern, try to check her out within 24 hours of admission. Last time that happened, I talked them into staying. This time, however, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure it was TC I was talking to, she has a very legitimate case. If she has to fight for every little thing, her "tough alters" will simply stay out all the time and nothing will get accomplished in the first place. Her tough alters are perfectly capable of repressing even the strongest emotions just to get her out of there.<br><br>I'll hear from her fairly soon, I hope. <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

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