by ir » Tue Dec 27, 2005 8:00 pm
Thanks for the expo. I wish I knew more about the specific projects (delta etc,.) to identify patterns. My education about those matters is in waves. I can take only so much at a time, and then I have a strong need to regress to a long denial, because of the pain. I suppose the sullivan reading will have a price tag. i know of several uses for me, like sexual uses, and courier. I think the killing parts are more psychic, as there were times I felt the "robotic" response to wish someone dead" in a more focused way than the usual rage people report. <br>At some point 15 years ago, one handler was supposed to train me in shooting range, pistol, but I think thats all i had to do with violence. I hope. He was an Israeli (locksmith in LA, I think it was the former most common cover at that time. befoer mall sales and art students) and he made me go to this shooting range in West LA, and practice on BLock ? glock ? something like that. I used to cry and do it. And in order to rationlize my consent, I had to invent weird motivations. this is the biggest mystery of living under those condtions.<br>How does one go on living after that ? I mean the more I know of myself, the more I know my entire life was not mine, and the memory the separate scenes of torture, humiliation, but mainly the haze and pain, haze and pain, just being tossed around the globe, but also tossed around in mind, from one "corner" to another, and all the time in the background, like a Greek chorus, the changing faces and sadistic people, playing with that toy, me. and there is always a part thatis concsious and it is sufferng the most.<br>I don't know how to contain my "life", it seems like the most rational thing to do is quit, but i know that's also a program. <br> <p></p><i></i>