Serenity

[Project Willow]

sw,<br>Come to the SMART conference if you can. It's an amazingly supportive, and validating experience. After I went in 2004, it helped me go home and make the move that I had needed to make for my safety.<br><br><!--EZCODE LINK START--><a href="http://members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2006-conference.htm">members.aol.com/smartnews/smart-2006-conference.htm</a><!--EZCODE LINK END--> <p></p><i></i>

[ir]

PW<br>thanks for the info on the conference, sounds and looks promising and informative. <br>If they have any tiny budget left for international poor applicants...count me in and let me know. I'll be happy to justify the help with a talk, lecture etc., re the Israeli condition of survivors. <br>dreams dreams...aren't they nice ? <p></p><i></i>

[mother]

Dream's End, yes you are gifted in the ways you described. I think I may have just the subject for you, and this person is in the Southeastern US. And man, don't the Holidays come loaded with ISSUES (every year) Groundhog's Day cannot come soon enough. <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

If the person is interested, you can private message me hear and I'll send you my email address. <br><br>If the person is interested but wants to be cautious, have him or her set up an email account on hotmail or something similar so s/he won't reveal any info on identity until comfortable.<br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[GDN01]

Something happened tonight. for the first time, I met someone who seemed to know more about me than I do myself. <br>I am totally freaked out. <br>At first it was nice to meet someone who is "in sympathy" with my political leanings. Then he began to question me in a way that all my danger flags went off. We were alone in his vehicle and suddenly I go this message that I was in danger. Maybe I'm losing it here, but for the first time, I had this impression that he was there to find out things about me, what I'm doing with my life now. I left very aruptly and do not feel safe now, in my home. I don't know what to do. <p></p><i></i>

[Avalon]

As I write this it's about 6 hours since you posted that. How are you feeling now? Were you able to get any sleep?<br><br>Take some deep long breaths, or whatever else helps you to calm and center. <br><br>Is there anyone you know in your town or area who would understand what you've just told us in context? Who might be able to come over and keep you company, or take you in if you're not feeling safe where you are? Long distance advice can help, but face-to-face contact can give you added levels of responseiveness and understanding. Assume, of course, that any phone calls or emails you make may not be confidential (which of course applies to all of us these days. sigh).<br><br>I recall that some here have not felt that battered women's shelters they've contacted have been in a position to help, but might your local women's shelter? From what you are saying, this could be considered stalking, and they'd be best at giving you the lay of the land in your area as to what help is available.<br><br>When you are feeling ready to, if you can tell us a bit more about what the situation was tonight, it may give us a better handle on what advice might be useful. Given that it's New Year's Eve people may not be able to pop into the forum as often as they usually would, so I hope that those who can will keep an eye out for this thread.<br><br>I think of you as being pretty level-headed, so if your danger flags are going up they are going up for a good reason.<br><br>Hang in there. We'll be here as much as we can.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[ir]

Without knowing much about you and the circumstance. I know the feeling, it has happened to me more than once and it feels like a blow in the belly every time. <br>--<br>Validate your feelings, respect your intuition and remove that person from your sphere, also mentally (I am learning now to do it in my thought as well as physically, namely, not to let that person "get to you").<br><br>--<br>these people know what they are doing, so if it was blatant, this person wanted to let you know they know and make you feel bad. that's all. (if he or she had more elaborate nasty plans they would not turn themselves in).<br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[GDN01]

I'm leaving in a few hours to go stay with friends for the next couple of days.<br><br>I don't want to write the specific things he said and referred to, that made me feel threatened. But it was things I've done that I had not mentioned. And once he had slipped up, and I asked him what he was talking about, he started asking me to go have a drink at another location, or go to his house, and started the car as if to drive off. I got out of the car quickly and got into mine and came home. <br><br>Strange things have been happening with my phone the last couple of weeks - I can't make calls out, but calls come in. There are calls registered on my caller ID that were not received - like during times when I've been home and the phone did not ring, but the caller ID says a call has been received, and it is always from a private number, or caller unknown.<br><br>Right before this started happening, I met with a group of local people and we are trying to start a local political action group. In the fall of 2002, before the war, I was a leader of a small anti-war movement - but effective one. We got quite a bit of attention for marching on the steps of the Bush Presidential Library, the first night after the invasion of Iraq was launched. Pappa Bush was actually there that night, attending a seminar on military tactics. We knew the seminar was happening, but not that Bush would be there. Before the event we were told we would be arrested if we attempted our protest. We told the authorities to bring plenty of handcuffs and we would be bringing plenty of media, which we did. They had called in the Texas Rangers, and then at the last minute, they stood down. We had a negotiator who went ahead of the rest of us to let the authorities know we weren't there for violence but we intended to use our First Amendment rights to peacefully assemble and freedom of speech. He was told again we were going to be arrested. But just before we arrived at the library, the Rangers got in their cars and left, and the local police stayed - and told us they had changed their minds and were not going to arrest anyone, unless we broke the law, which we did not do. This is one of the incidents this man referred to, that I had not told him about. <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

My wife saw an article in our local paper about how the state Bureau of investigation was spying on anti-war groups. Not a shocker, and I wonder if they release such info to make us more paranoid.<br><br>However, really sounds like some games being played. Likely he was just trying to develop rapport so he could spy more easily but better safe than sorry. <p></p><i></i>

[Dreams End]

I hope some of those experienced with DID are still following this thread. Another quick question.<br><br>Oh, first I should say that I've met another alter, named (she got to pick a name...she didn't realize she could have one and was excited) Arya (after a character in a book and also because she has a beautiful voice but her Dad would never let her sing.) She's around 14 and she's the one that holds much of the bad memories and emotions involving her Dad when she first moved in with him (too much violence between her and her mom). She sounds actually a bit younger when she talks and she also sounds kinda "drugged" when she talks. Overall, we had a great talk about some of the things her dad did (nothing too heavy...she got very agitated when I pushed just a bit) and how these show that her DAD was ill and that these actions were not her fault. She's the one who was basically having the breakdown that led her to the hospital. And Debbie, at that age, was cutting on herself (she's pretty sure, but not real clear memories), so she is one of the alters who cuts. She, or a combination of her and Debbie's primary self, actually telephoned her Dad yesterday. I wasn't sure this was wise, but she wanted to...She actually asked her Dad point blank about abuse (only about physical) and how he would lose his temper. To her Dad's credit, though he claims not to remember this physical abuse, he confessed that her other siblings had also said this and he did not get angry or defensive. I'm not sure what would explain an abuser losing memory, as that seems to be a function of trauma (or alcoholism...not an issue), but maybe deep depression (assuming he's not just lying.) I don't think he's DID. So, he didn't deny any of it...but did't confess, either.<br><br><br>Anyway, I had a quick question. Debbie says there's an alter inside (I think we are changing our terminology to "aspect"...she doesn't like "alter".) who speaks another language. One she doesn't recognize. She would recognize Italian, as she lived there for four years as a child. She doesn't know what language it is and I've yet to meet this "aspect". Ever heard of anything like this? She's not completely sure its even a real language, though I get the sense that it's an adult, not a babbling child.<br><br>One other question. Debbie isn't sure she wants to integrate her major alters...but definitely wants to deal with their issues. I really don't have a problem if that's the choice she wants to make. There may be many other alters underneath she's not aware of yet, but for now, it's not an unreasonable number if communication can be improved and the negative behaviors controlled. However, she has lots of "fragments" that just seem to have "jobs", like one we call "competent lady" who takes over at work but doesn't really seem to have a fully formed personality. I think this is common. It seems to me that integrating those fragments would be an excellent idea, especially as a first step, as I'd not expect this to be traumatic. Anyone have experiences like this? Does one even "integrate" these "job specific" fragments? Just curious.<br><br>anyway, she's back and feeling pretty good. I've had talks with two or three parts and, through Debbie, some of the others, and they seem to be doing okay. I think meeting Arya is a nice breakthrough for the new year. <p></p><i></i>

[ir]

DE<br><br>I thought that the alters/parts that remain "competent" at work do exist as part of healthy make up, BUt in my case I felt they are holding me back, so I forced myself to "withdraw" (as in drugs) from that part, by NOT WORKING, that sounds easy but isnt' in these circumstances, because the entire structure is related to the continuity of those "external" parts. Its been a process now of 7 years, and only recently did I feel, that maybe now if I do ever work again, it will not be an insulated part anymore which is "doing the job" to keep the machine going. I don't recommend it, because the dissintegration is costly, but perhaps it is the only "root canal" therapy I felt as effective for me. Otherwise, I kept suspecting myself of being "on the go" at job, not really there. These parts have a benefit, so giving it up takes away too many defense mechanism that are actually healthy. its tricky.<br>--<br> <p></p><i></i>

[Project Willow]

GDNO1,<br>I am very sorry this disturbing encounter. I've been accessed by people I've met at political meetings. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone at some of these things who is really nothing else but a well-intentioned activist.<br><br>That's very odd about the telephone calls. I don't want to go way out on a limb here, but do you think there is any possibility you could be losing time?<br><br>I'm glad you got out of the situation yesterday. Please let us know how things go.<br><br>DE...<br>Welcome to Arya and congrats on that brave confrontation! <br>I like the word aspect, I've used it myself. If you think about it, all aspects are partial, none are fully formed personalities, they are split from the whole. They can run the gamut from being fairly large and complicated aspects with important jobs in the system to being simple containers for bits of memory or, as you said, fragments. Integration is optional, or should be, but sometimes I think it's simply a matter of how each individual's dissociative functions work. One of my favorite therapists put it this way, the alter system eventually works together, like a symphony playing one piece of music. I thought at one time that I could integrate my front people fairly easily, but then it turned out they too had been manipulated, so there may be more to it than you think.<br><br>Hope this helps.. and my best to Debbie. <p></p><i></i>

[GDN01]

PW, I don't know how to answer your question about the possibility that I have been losing time.<br><br>I have sat here, wanting to write "no, of course I don't" and yet...<br>Could it be that when things go missing in my house and then show up places they should not be, places I've already looked... I've thought I had a ghost here and still do. My kids think there is a ghost here, too, and have had their things moved around, too. And I've seen her, moving just out of the corner of my eye. But at times I have wondered, is it me? <br><br>I'm having a hard time with this. Am I more messed up than I knew? <br><br>There have been two times this past year, when my kids tried to wake me up before they went to school and I didn't respond. My daughter said, "It was like you were dead and it really scared me mom." And I have no memory of them trying, no half-sleep awareness of someone trying to wake me up and they said they shook me and called my name loudly. This was during some rough times with all this. I laughed it off and said I was really tired and just in a deep sleep. <br><br>My last therapist said I had dissociative disorder - but it was the low level variety, the feeling of being out of my body when I feel threatened, like watching from outside, but I remembered what has happening, what I did and said. It was like shutting down on the inside and acting in a way that did not betray my utter fear in the moment - smiling, doing whatever I had to do to get out. But she didn't seem to think it was a complete disassociation, that I didn't have alternates. <br><br>Is this what you are thinking? <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

edit

[Project Willow]

For your sake, GDNO1, I hope not, but it sounds like you have evidence of something like that going on. When you put that together with possible ra experiences and lots of missing childhood memory, it certainly fits. If you were subjected to overwhelming things as a kid, your mind is capable of protecting you from that material by blocking it out. Perhaps some part of you leaves evidence in your house as a sign that something is not quite right. <br><br>Did your therapist give you a DES? I was diagnosed as DD-NOS based on that test, which is just a self report index. If there is some kind of formal splitting, either as the result of ritual or experimental stuff, it wouldn't show up, and it won't show up until you're really ready.<br><br>It's been almost eight years since I was able to observe and begin to accept my multiplicity. Yet I still have difficulty with the idea of losing time. I got a phone call shortly after I had gotten caller id, about 6 years ago. It registered as originating at a well known government research laboratory. At the time I thought it had been a hang up, and I told all my friends how odd it was that I got a hang up call from that lab. Three years later I got access to a contact part, and she had the memory of being on the phone that day for quite a while. Although I should be well used to it now, the very idea of that just disturbs me! I had gone about my day that day, and not noticed any missing time, and if some part of me had, it was blocked out. Blocking out possible recognition of missing time was part of my training. But it need not be anything so complicated, the feeling of missing time is disturbing, so blocking it out to feel or appear normal, as a child especailly, is another way it can happen. <br><br>When you believe you are ready to know, you can try this exercise. Just ask yourself, inside, and be willing to hear an answer. <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=projectwillow@rigorousintuition>Project Willow</A> at: 1/2/06 11:33 pm<br></i>