by havanagilla » Tue Aug 01, 2006 1:45 pm
I want to try and relate an experience I am having recently, and had in the past, which i see as crucial for MC/SRA survivors. <br>To illustrate, i will just tell what happened today, and i hope the pattern comes through. I have had a bit of a bureaucratic tangle with social assistance recently, when in the midst of angry correspondence they notified me that some committee decided NOT to waive an old debt I owe them, therefore they are remitting a bunch of money (a LOT) from my benefits. I then saw that over 18 months ago they did say something about an old debt, and I sent a letter back asking for it to be waived based on need. They said the debt has to do with money they paid me when I was abroad, and therefore I need to pay it back. I felt immediately in the wrong (getting money I don't deserve), and only bargained for ex gratia waiver of the debt. Now, when I had a conflict with them, they came up, suddenly, and more than a year after they did say they erase the debt with some "committee" that resurrected the debt. This has caused me to write even more angry, useless cursing letters. I accused them of everything you can come with. Of no avail.<br>Today, as I sat quietly and looked over papers, I found out that my "gut feeling" is correct, namely, they were wrong, because they paid the money 3 months after I left Israel, and I had no way of knowing it. Namely, tough luck for them, it wasn't any misrepresentation on my part. In fact, MY MOTHER, was the one who responded to some correspondence at my absence, causing them to think I am here and writing to them. I have the copy of her letter to prove and in fact, they wrote up the wrong date, in the initial claim, of when they paid, so it APPEARED as if I was here when they started paying, but in fact it was three months later, and paid retroactively to that date. Namely, without calling them Hitlers, I am legally entitled to demand they leave the debt alone. <br>At this point however, i have already pushed all the red buttons etc. I suppose I CAN untangle it, but it was unnecessary and self defeating. <br>--<br>POInt in case. I have noticed a "programmed" response of some "fogginess", almost self inflicted, namely, overlooking papers, facts that WORK FOR ME, while the "feeling" properly informed me of my being in the RIGHT. Only when there is some brief repreive from self blame and self mutilation, am I able to see the situation as it really is. Whereas, this kind of mechanism is not happening when I have to deal with other people's issues, etc. I literally felt today that some brain wires were loose, and that suddenly they were hooked up again letting the "chi" or what not (IQ ?) flow naturally between "reason" and "feeling". I think this best describes the damage to normal self promoting self loving response to life.<br><br> <p></p><i></i>
