Cheney Says He Masterminded 9/11,
But the Spinners Refuse to Be Spun
By John J. Jenerik
Monday, October 16, 2006
NEW YORK: Their opinions may differ, but American politicians and pundits of all persuasions seem united in their resolve not to let Dick Cheney's 9/11 confession turn their world upside down.
Their troubles began when Mr. Cheney extolled his own role as a "primary architect of the events of September 11, 2001" last Tuesday at a White House press conference. The Republican vice-president surprised reporters with the revelation that the air attacks on New York and Washington were orchestrated by "a network of experienced covert operatives" under his command.
In Mr. Cheney's words, this "shadow executive" subverted a "Red Team" participating in US military maneuvers. "They used the routine wargames scheduled for September 11th as the cover for a 'real-world' attack," Mr. Cheney said. "I can't say much more than that because as you can guess, we did our best to keep me out of the loop."
"By the time the day arrived, all I really had to do from the bunker downstairs was to make sure there was no interference from the genius at the top," Mr. Cheney said, in an apparent reference to President George W. Bush.
Chuckling, Cheney added: "The boys in the field were magnificent."
A second team under separate command had been assigned to assure the destruction of the World Trade Center itself, Mr. Cheney said.
The intent of the action was to blame the resulting carnage on the "false flag" of the shadowy al-Qaeda network, itself mostly a construct of Western and allied intelligence services, according to Mr. Cheney. "Our motive was to frighten Americans into supporting a long-planned global war of aggression, which we saw as necessary given geopolitical developments. We also wanted to remove all limits on executive power at home," he said.
"The Islamic fundamentalists made for irresistible patsies, really straight out of central casting."
Mr. Cheney then directly addressed the assembled press corps: "We knew the operation would leave a lot of loose ends, but we relied on you guys in the media to ignore those and patch up a telegenic narrative.
"You came through, and the nation thanks you for it."
Refusing further questions, Mr. Cheney announced he was returning to his underground complex in Pennsylvania, where he intends "to oversee the next steps in the program we initiated on 9/11."
Opposition Delivers Swift Riposte
With mid-term elections just three weeks away, Democratic leaders chose to show restraint. Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer, speaking at a Capitol Hill press conference Wednesday, avoided making direct references to Mr. Cheney. Announcing a proposal to beef up Homeland Security spending, the Democratic senators from New York urged the administration to be "more effective in fighting the common enemy."
"All this should finally spur the White House to hurry up and prosecute a more focused and vigorous war on terror," Ms. Clinton said. "9/11 was a terrible tragedy for so many hard-working, ordinary people who lost their loved ones in the great state of New York. They don't need to have those memories dredged up again by those who have so clearly proven their incompetence elsewhere, from Iraq to New Orleans. Our homeland needs better protection now."
"This is no time to dwell on the past," said Senator Joe Biden of Delaware, echoing a broad consensus of his colleagues in the Democratic Party.
Democracy Vibrant As Ever, as Debate Among Sophists Proves
Intellectuals on the right greeted the news with a touch of realism. "9/11 was a bold, geopolitically savvy move, and I can't wait to see what's coming next," William Kristol of the Project for a New American Century said in an appearance on FOXNEWS.
"To save America, our leaders knew they had to go large," Kristol added. "Without 9/11, would people in this country have understood the threat in time? I have no doubt that history will judge the vice-president as a man of imposing foresight and courage."
On the left, many directly questioned the truth of Mr. Cheney's confession.
"That's just not how the intelligence world works," said David Corn of The Nation magazine. "It's ridiculous to see Cheney, who has no formal command over the US military, as some kind of James Bond villain who could pull off an attack on that scale all by himself. He's just a forgotten old man holed up in a cave somewhere, and now he's reaching for the political Viagra."
Chip Berlet, a leading critic of the "paranoid corrosion" of American politics, stated that "Cheney is a right-wing conspiracy theorist who has lied many times in the past. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and the 9/11 link to Iraq. Why should progressives trust him when he claims something even more outrageous?"
The moderators of DemocraticUnderground.com, a popular, ultra-liberal message board, announced the site would maintain its policy of transferring all threads linking to news of Mr. Cheney's confession to a specialized forum devoted to 9/11-related issues, called the "Conspiracy Dungeon" by many of the members.
A website that specializes in debunking urban legends published a page linking to several videos, allegedly of Osama Bin Ladin, in which the al-Qaeda leader describes orchestrating the 9/11 attacks. "Bin Ladin confessed to this crime almost five years ago," said Barbara Mikkelson, editor of Snopes.com. "Cheney's belated jump on the bandwagon changes nothing about that."
The heavyweights of punditry devoted little attention to an issue they privately characterized as "old news."
"Everyone from Bangalore to Silicon Valley knew 9/11 was an inside job," according to Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, who said he had not considered mentioning the matter in his column. "Why chew up crucial mental RAM about it now, when Korea and Iran are on a horse that's gone nuclear, and shiny red Ipods are ka-zapping that news to all five corners of the flat world, a hundred Google-times faster than before? Gosh, do you know how big a hundred Google-times is? It's big!"
Syndicated columnist Maureen Dowd discerned a pattern of fear-mongering by the administration. "Just when we as a nation had grown comfortable with the idea of an omnipresent, shadowy foreign enemy never resting in its determination to kill us all suddenly, anywhere and by any means, Boss Cheney has to go and tell us the real enemy is inside our own government," Ms. Dowd wrote. "All he ever does is raise new specters to keep us frightened."
Smelly Eccentrics Provide for Additional Rustic Color
Even 9/11 conspiracy buffs sought to downplay the news, with many noting that Mr. Cheney had said nothing they have not already claimed for years.
"We were the first site to prove definitively that the government orchestrated 9/11, back on the afternoon of September 12th," said Darrin Smart of MacrameFuture.com (formerly TheReallySmart911Website.org). "In the meantime, we have moved on to more pressing issues, like sustainable culture to overcome the imminent resource Apocalypse."
"Cheney's confirmation is welcome, but it's late and off-point," Mr. Smart said.
Other, more radical conspiracy theorists characterized Mr. Cheney's confession of orchestrating 9/11 on behalf of a group of moneyed imperialists and Bush administration business cronies as "a limited hangout" - a partial revelation of apparently damaging information, in reality designed to cover up the role of yet darker and more powerful forces behind the scenes.
"Cheney is just another LIHOP gatekeeper. This is a cover-up," said Frederico Head. As the spokesperson of DestroyAllGatekeepers.net, Mr. Head leads a fast-moving nationwide campaign devoted to exposing all other 9/11 conspiracy sites as CIA fronts. "They are trying to prevent an immediate armed revolution by 90 percent of the American people. This would have already happened, except that Amy Goodman and WorldNetDaily refuse to tell the truth."
Mr. Head claimed to have definitively proven "9/11 was a globalist inside job" by midnight on September 11th, declaring: "Everything that happened on 9/11 was physically impossible!"
Professor Jonathan U.R. Betters is the secretary-general of Endoctorated Experts for 9/11 Revelations, a group claiming 3.5 million accredited scientists as members. "What about the connection to reverse-engineered extraterrestrial flight technologies," he asked. "When are you going to tell us about that, Mr. Cheney?"
"Cheney is paving the way for his true masters in a Hegelian dialectic - problem, reaction, solution," said Richard Stones, Supreme Leader of the Total MIHOP Warriors Alliance and host of the "Galactic Deathcamp" radio program.
"Before you celebrate that 9/11 has been exposed, remember that the UN-led Chinese Army is poised along the Mexican border. They are here to impose a one-world government by Jimmy Carter, Hillary Clinton, Nelson Mandela, George Soros, Gorbachev, Zionists, euthanasiasts, Freemasons and Bilderbergers.
"And make no mistake: They will take our guns away!"
Radio talk kingpin Rush Limbaugh shot back at the conspiracy theorists in kind, describing 9/11 as a "necessary sacrifice" and "a gift" to the American people. He called it "a shame" that Mr. Stones was not also among the victims of the attacks.
"Most of those killed were Democrat defeatists who would have otherwise been massacred in even greater numbers by the Islamofascist animals," Mr. Limbaugh said on his program last Thursday. "And now these lily-livers have the gall to attack President Bush's team because they acted too boldly to protect them?"
According to Mr. Limbaugh, Mr. Cheney's bombshell proves that the Bush administration has prevented any foreign attack on the American homeland throughout its entire term in office.
A caller from Ohio typified sentiments among Mr. Limbaugh's listeners: "Okay, so it was an inside job. The liberals need to shut up about it already. We pay our leaders to know more and better than we do."
Law and Orderly, Business Proceeds Apace
New York Stock Exchange indices rallied starting Tuesday morning, spurred by the perception that Mr. Cheney's clear statement would end the 9/11 conspiracy speculations undermining consumer confidence. Arms-makers, security companies and pharmaceuticals led the way.
The aerospace sector spiked again Thursday after Warren Buffet's surprise announcement that he and his financial empire would relocate headquarters from Omaha to a new mansion aboard the International Space Station. But the Dow Jones Average was down again Friday, on the heels of a world-wide plunge in the US dollar.
Manhattan shoppers seemed unperturbed as canned goods, first-aid kits and crank-powered radio/flashlight sets flew off the shelves. Talk of a possible World Series appearance for the New York Mets filled the EPA-certified air.
At the offices of Eliot Spitzer, the attorney general of New York state, staff members declined to say whether Mr. Cheney's revelations suggest probable cause for a criminal investigation. A spokesman noted only that Mr. Cheney's comments did not constitute a legal deposition. Mr. Spitzer, on the campaign trail for New York governor, was unavailable for comment.
In Chicago, federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald announced his crack team was launching an inconclusive three-year investigation to determine whether Cheney had illegally revealed any state secrets during last Tuesday's press conference.
Leave it to veteran journalist Geraldo Rivera to put the big picture in proper perspective. "One question still has all of America abuzz," he said Wednesday at the top of Geraldo at Large, his half-hour daily program. "Do we have any news about pretty Natalie Holloway, missing for almost two years since she was last seen drinking and dancing at a teenie-bopper bar in Aruba? We'll be wading into the shark-infested waters of the Carribbean, right after the break."
Ya gotta love America!
Copyright © 2006 by THE MAJOR NEWSWIRE SERVICE. All rights reserved. If you can't figure out satire, this disclaimer will be of little help to you.
Note: Just replace Natalie Holloway with Casey Anthony and we're still up to date.
(Am re-posting the above in this subforum so that there is a clean copy on the Web for a friend who requested a link. It was sort of my farewell to the 9/11 truth movement as it had by then become, written in October 2006.)