by Jerky » Sun Jan 08, 2006 9:41 am
According to recently discovered documents in Moscow, genocidal dictator Josef Stalin ordered top Soviet veterinary scientists to breed "a new invincible human being" in the mid 1920's. Specifically, Uncle Joe asked biologist Ilya Ivanov to create "a living war machine, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat" by genetically crossing human beings with gorillas. A special facility was even created in the Soviet state of Georgia -- Stalin's homeland -- where the new warrior/labor class would be bred, reared and trained.<br><br>Considering the fate suffered by those unlucky enough to get on Stalin's bad side, yer old pal Jerky thinks it's safe to assume that there was a whole lotta hot monkey lovin' going down in the CCCP for a while, before the project was scrapped due to lack of success and/or a shortage of monkey jizz.<br><br>Although it's hard not to admire Stalin's visionary bravado, some aspects of his plan seem a bit short-sighted in hindsight. Cross-breeding men with gorillas would be fine for the Army, but what about the other branches of the military? After all, once you cross the threshold of interspecies taboo -- even at the conceptual level -- the potentials are limitless. You could cross men with sharks -- or, if mammals are easier, killer whales -- for a terrifying, fully aquatic Navy. Or how about crossing men with horses to field a virtually unstoppable cavalry? Marines could be created using a human/Rottweiler/wolverine mix.<br><br>Breeding a new genetic abomination for the Air Force would be substantially more difficult, at least until we figure out a way to get an F/A-22 pregnant.<br><br>You see where I'm going with this. Once you adopt the stance of the Nietzschean Ubermensch by banishing from your mind the spiteful, artificial constructs of "Good" and "Evil", revulsion (weak) makes way to fascination (strong), which feeds the inspiration (will to power) that will shape evolution (New World Order). If you're the right kind of person, it's enough to make your nipples hard!<br><br>Sadly, with the Cold War now a fading memory, the odds of us ever witnessing anything as undeniably kick-ass as a rampaging platoon of murderous Soviet super-monkeys are nigh infinitesimal.<br><br>But are they? Consider the Pentagon's ongoing, black-budgeted Extended Performance War Fighter program. This incredibly ambitious, multi-disciplinary project is being directed by the Pentagon think tank called DARPA, a.k.a. the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. The battlefield technologies envisioned by DARPA's private sector subcontractors make our current efforts at boosting soldier productivity -- consisting mostly of shoving cocaine-grade stimulants down their throats -- seem quaint, pathetic and embarrassingly primitive. <br><br>Just think! As you sit reading this, hundreds of the biggest brains money could buy are burning through billions of your tax dollars, conducting cutting-edge research into pharmaceutical, genetic and cybernetic advances that will revolutionize the way wars are fought. Just like Ivanov before them, the men and women involved in these projects know exactly what's expected of them. They know, because their orders have been unambiguous and plainly stated: Create the Soldier of Tomorrow, by any means necessary. <br><br>On the surface, the Soldier of Tomorrow will appear quite normal. But under a microscope, he will be barely recognizable as human. A vast and varied array of exotic elixirs to "manage environmental and mentally induced stress and to enhance the strength and aerobic endurance" will course through his genetically fortified veins, feeding nano-enhanced muscles and super-efficient organs. He will not sleep. He will not dream. He will not know fear. His reflexes will be boosted to hyper-impulse speeds thanks to the microchips implanted in his body, which will seamlessly interface with his second skin of flexible, bulletproof "smart" armor. His digestive system will be able to extract nutrition from materials that would cause the unmodified an agonizing death.<br><br>In short, the Soldier of Tomorrow will conform to the parameters of the "iron bodied and iron willed personnel" envisioned by the U.S. Special Operations Command, who seek nothing less than "operational dominance across the whole range of potential U.S. military employments." Not quite the species-bending abominations dreamed of by the borderline-zoophiliac "furry" subculture, but what can you do? Baby steps, people… baby steps!<br><br>And so we see that Stalin's vision is not dead but merely dormant; an Ideal Form that is slowly beginning to materialize in our base world of flesh. So keep your chin up, all you Apocalypse-hungry voyeurs and morally crippled True Believers! If there's any way on God's Green Earth to create remote-control battalions of unstoppable killing machines -- even if it involves kidnapping your sister and subjecting her non-stop gorilla gang-bangs -- the fine folks at DARPA are just the ones to git 'er done.<br><br><!--EZCODE IMAGE START--><img src="http://www.dailydirt.com/newsimages/20060106/pict1.jpg"/><!--EZCODE IMAGE END--> <p></p><i></i>
