by havanagilla » Sun Jul 02, 2006 7:49 pm
simple decisions...ah, easier said than done, in my case at least. I can describe my current "brain activity" during "decision making" hour, as Katrina/huuricane.<br>---<br>Just an example from today - i was invited by an artist/philosopher to meet at a coffee shop, to consider cooperations. fine. we sit and I hear him. at the same time this goes on in the back stretch of the mind -<br>1. his name is Moses, moses is a bad name for me, I have to rememember the "bad names" list (this is programming, having to do with names. will tell about it some other times, wonder if other MC'ers have had it.). so maybe I shouldn't even sit with him. <br>2. He studies in germany, my last decision was not to even speak with people who have any connections to germany. (bad omen, again).<br>3. maybe he is trying to bribe me out of my values, remember not to let that happen no matter what, cause this is how MC started/incest started what not. it could be a devil test.<br>4. surely, considering maybe he is sent by perps.<br>5. he lives in a certain town, in that same town one of my perps lives, so..its a "sign". sign against connection.<br>6. etc. etc.<br>--<br>namely, instead of being there and then seeing clearly, the mind is running a "search" for "signs", cues, mainly to ward off really dangerous stuff. (i didn't get into the other back-bench thoughts during that conversation such as maybe he put something in my drink, maybe this is a distraction so that while we meet, someone is breaking into my house/harming my family etc.). little voices...all the time. So the conversation is a "test" and it is run by animalistic traits, I am very focused on "smelling" and "sniffing" danger, i also "get into the other person" (I can do that sometimes) and make an immense effort to read his mind/intentions, thoughts...(most victims do that). <br>--<br>so, the conversation ends, he proposes some "deal" (which I find both enticing and fascinating, but it could be a drain and potential waste of time too, or exploitation ?). Instead of having this clear picture of the realities, plus the offer, and my goals, this becomes a chaotic process, mostly consisting of irrational, "oracle-like" mind reading of both him and of MY own sensations. Surely, by the time I need to decide, I am exhausted ! all i want is not to have such possibiltiies again, namely, not have anything GOOD come my way, cause I become drained. <br><br>Hope that's better... <p></p><i></i>
