what an insightful dream about abuse

[banned]

...I can't remember the title but it was on how to avoid picking up nasty entities. In addition to what you say about bars, mkm, she also said hospitals and accident scenes (places people who died suddenly can try to hitch a ride on people to avoid moving on to the next level.)<br><br>One of the features of living in California is that you can be chatting with someone about the most mundane thing and suddenly they say something and you get this window into some bizarre thing they're into. I was waiting to testify in a child custody hearing and the lawyer's husband and daughter came by. I knew the little girl but not him. We had a nice, ordinary chat until SOMEHOW we got on the shallowness of Silicon Valley and he said he had a farm over Coastside but wanted to move. Then he said his wife, the lawyer, in her line of work (family law) was a 'magnet' for evil entities and he got tired of them coming home with her and he had to clear them out. I had this vision of her with little tiny people on her like other people get cat hairs or those little balls that you get on wool sweaters, and him making her stand in the foyer picking them off each night when she got home. <p></p><i></i>

[jenz]

sw sometimes, it can be a help to remember that the cells in your body renew themselves. so, you can think of youself as having an entirely new body, not the old one with its past baggage of hurt.<br><br>I taught for years. since knowing about ra, I wonder about how crap our education systems are, that we herd kids into buildings every day, and never see (have no facilities for seeing) the pain. surely it shouldn't be beyond us to work something out. <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

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[jenz]

there is something about the mechanics of the brain (wired to give the owner max. chance of survival) which causes a sort of shut down of one route of processing information, when adrenalin kicks in in response to stress (fear). this is why, even undrugged, you will not be able to give an accurate account of everything that happened to you straight after something terrible did. the brain prioritises the 'action' bit - known as the 'f' response flight or fight. but a couple of other 'f' s are triggered same time . this is one of the mechanisms perps know about and play on. and it is one reason why things which create fear, also tend to make people feel randy. its as though the brain is saying get away if you can, and if you can't at least maximise your chances of reproducing. actually the passage of the information through the brain has been shown to take a different route. you do not process the sensory input in the same way that you do if you are say peacefully enjoying a stroll through the countryside. so do not think that you are some kind of terrible person that you feel this.<br><br>As a person who has been through hell, you probably empathise more strongly with what is happening on a film, and feel more fear more readily, even if your conscious response to this is not to shake in your boots, but to deal with it some other way - in one of the learned responses to fear. Often those who show most fear immediately, feel it least. <br><br>second thing. one of the ways the victim dissociates is to identify with the perpetrator. there have been studies of male paedophiles which have demonstrated their own deep held conviction that they enjoyed what was done to them as children. this barrier is usually harder to get over for men, because of the necessity of preserving a 'manly' attitude - harder to be a victim., harder to say that hurt and I did not like it or want it.<br><br>an unfortunate effect of this process is that it diminishes the respect for self - as if the surviving victim did not have enough to cope with feeling all the negative feelings about themselves which they were emphatically told ( as to make them deserving of abuse) , and the guilt feelings<br> fromthe nasty tricks played to make them responsible for some harm which befell others, they also have to cope with this sense from within themselves, that it was good that it happened to them - ie seeing themselves as through the perpetrators eyes.<br><br>but it strikes me sw that you are doing marvellously well. you have established a life for youself, you have rejected the harm and the harmers. now <br> you deserve to get yourself a mantra. "I'm good like I am" <p></p><i></i>

[Avalon]

Sw, I've heard some of the anecdotes about a heart transplant bringing along some characteristics of the donor.<br><br>But I'd say that your openness to healing, both intellectually and emotionally, and your empathy for others, would far outweigh any negatives.<br><br>There was a girl in my first grade class, in the fifties, who had only one thin cotton dress (and girls were not allowed to wear pants to school in those days), and on at least one occasion she did not have underpants on at school. I have only a single memory at this point of seeing her and knowing it, but it's lasted decades later. It wasn't a time when our culture had any way of talking about it, nor did my family have the ability then to talk about things if I'd brought up the question.<br><br>I think she was only there that one year. The run-down house where she lived has been gentrified, like all the houses in that town. I have no way of knowing where she is, of how her life turned out. I'd like to say to her, I'm sorry, I did see that there was a problem, I wish that I could have helped, I was just a kid myself and there was a dark silence about such things. <br><br>Perhaps it would help if I can say it to you, in place of the kids and adults around you as a child who did notice something was wrong but who had no way of talking about it or knowing how to intervene. I'm sorry that we didn't know how to help you then. I'm glad that you are working toward healing, and making real progress in so many ways.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[RollickHooper]

"Perhaps it would help if I can say it to you, in place of the kids and adults around you as a child who did notice something was wrong but who had no way of talking about it or knowing how to intervene. I'm sorry that we didn't know how to help you then. I'm glad that you are working toward healing, and making real progress in so many ways."<br><br>Avalon, if this were posted on billboards across the land, it would reach into hearts that have been locked and release a great outpouring of grief and tears--and put a lot of people on the path to healing. How many people just want to hear the words "I'm sorry"?<br><br>Also sw, everything jenz has said here is substantiated by readings I've done on the subject--your body's response to the experiences you've had are, for what it's worth, perfectly normal. <p></p><i></i>

[Project Willow]

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>I never thought it would happen but now at 42, I just experienced the arrousal feeling from a "normal" trigger or thought. I can talk to my daughter about most anything so I asked her that night if this happend to her or other people all the time. She said, yeah. I said, every day? She said, sometimes. I asked how do people focus on their day when this happens. She just laughed and went back to homework.<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--><br><br>I want to reply to so many of these threads, but just cringe at how revealing they are. I admire that you can be so frank about these issues, it's much more difficult for me. That must sound a little odd I suppose, given what I reveal elsewhere online.<br><br>Anyway, I wanted to say sw, I am the very same age as you and have been going through the same thing. I can't believe what my body is doing. Now that I've worked on so many issues, I often have the same thought, how does one live with the constant intrusion of sexual urges? Is this how it always is for most people? I laugh about it though and am very glad to be feeling somewhat "normal" in that area. I imprinted on the victim role, and I am so highly disturbed as to what triggers a kind of hyper-arousal, I just can't face it completely yet. I am still trying to sort out so many issues, as some very bizarre things happened in the labs that had to do with manipulating sexual responses. I am determined however to reclaim as much of my sexual being as is possible after all of this terrible crap. Doing the memory work over the years apparently has freed up enough of me so that I can actually experience arousal (without being ordered to or being in an abusive situation) and most of my responses are to "normal" triggers.<br><br>Perhaps it is also related to being this age, the body just seems absolutely intent on procreating. Well, it makes for an interesting social life. Everytime I own my body and freely chose to be with someone, I WIN over those assh*le perps!<br><br>Most of the time I focus on the victory, but there is deep grief, and I can only deal with it in pieces. The grief dovetails with midlife passage issues, and lots of times I just cry in frustration: It's not fair! I want to be 20! <p></p><i></i>

[israelirealities]

thank you for sharing this, and all this very important thread. It has a healing quality. <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

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[Avalon]

<!--EZCODE ITALIC START--><em>I never thought it would happen but now at 42, I just experienced the arrousal feeling from a "normal" trigger or thought. I can talk to my daughter about most anything so I asked her that night if this happend to her or other people all the time. She said, yeah. I said, every day? She said, sometimes. I asked how do people focus on their day when this happens. She just laughed and went back to homework</em><!--EZCODE ITALIC END--><br><br>What a really, really good bunch of questions, sw. <br><br>Even with growing up "normal," coming of age at a time when feminism taught us to question received wisdom about young womens' sexuality, I don't remember us ever articulating what it was like to be dealing with the waves of randiness that were washing over us. It was common for people to talk about how young men were perpetually aroused, but the fact that some girls were feeling that way never came up outside of madonna/whore pigeonholes. If we were lucky we had a boyfriend who could keep up with our needs for a while, or we discovered that a vibrator was what we needed more than trying to persuade ourselves we needed to be in love to have permission to be sexual.<br><br>Now that I have hit menopause, it's like something pulled the plug, and it's a real blessing not to get yanked around by sexual needs anymore. It works the opposite way for some women, of course. Some of us need freedom from sexuality, others need the freedom to finally be sexual in a way that is healing. <br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[banned]

It pairs sexual arousal with something else that under normal circumstances would not be arousing, like secrecy, or humiliation, or pain.<br><br>Especially when done to a very small child, it sets up a linkage which is very difficult to uncouple.<br><br>And sometimes the politics of the "lesbigaytrans" community is distinctly unhelpful if not obstructionist in doing so.<br><br>I used to go to S&M sex parties in San Francisco and watch young women submit to being whipped or beaten with a strap or riding crop. I don't mean a token smack or two. I mean BEATEN until they were red and nearly unconscious. Sometimes the beating was accompanied by verbal abuse about how "bad" the one being beaten was.<br><br>And they found it sexually arousing.<br><br>If you talked to them they would invariably tell you they came from homes where there was both sexual and physical abuse and of course verbal as well. However many would then get angry if you made the connection, claiming that being into S&M was showing they were 'transgressive' or 'free to express' their sexuality or some such 'political' line. Letting their girlfriend tie them up was a sign of 'trust', not a sign that as children they were probably forcibly restrained during molestation.<br><br>Many were also alcoholics and addicted to various forms of drugs.<br><br>Suggesting they do work in therapy around the abuse was generally met with anything from mild anger to rage and verbal abuse. There was nothing 'wrong' with them, it was society which was too uptight blahblahblahblah.<br><br>I often had to wonder at the motivation of the people who pushed this kind of view, and in one case, a close friend, it came out after he had been in therapy awhile that his therapist was an untreated sexual abuse survivor, had MPD, and was a transvestite.<br><br>Ho-kay then! There's mental hygiene for ya!<br><br> <p></p><i></i>

[Project Willow]

Banned,<br>I've had the same experience with the S&M community. It's amazing how many are survivors, and then you can go back to the moonshine thread to read about how the cults and mind control techniques have crossed into it as well.<br><br>SW, I don't even know where to start! I have felt so many of the same things. I am always changing! My therapist calls it a process of "successive aproximations", taking steps towards the ideal, or the correct behavior. It means my connections and relationships are always changing, even if subtly.<br><br>I've been dating and having some weird things happen with men because of my past. I wish I had more "civilian" friends whom I could share my history with. I'm working on it, but for now I pass as fairly normal. Actually, I present as well adjusted compared to some folks around me with more ordinary neuroses.<br><br>So much was missed. I also have a hard time spelling, I have a hard time with math even though I was given advanced math training before age 11. I would love to regain access to various parts of my intellect which still aren't regularly accessible. I've been told I'm extremely intelligent, and it would be nice to be able to use that intelligence, eventually go back to school.<br><br>And when it comes to sex, I have an entire team of trained alters who can perform under orders in just about any way imaginable. Yet when I'm with someone now, it's like I'm a beginner almost. I don't want to access those parts because they are so traumatized. I'm looking forward to healing them more, as they have more access to sexual feelings than I do. <p></p><i></i>

[banned]

Willow what is the 'moonshine thread'? <p></p><i></i>