by Dreams End » Sat Mar 11, 2006 4:36 am
Edit: This post may be triggering.............<br><br><br><br><br><br>scroll<br><br>scroll<br><br><br><br><br>And so it goes....<br><br>Debbie is back in the hospital...this time having been disarmed by two (well trained, thanks, fellas) policemen and taken to the psych ward in an ambulance. The attending paramedic was actually very familiar with DID...and though she didn't do everything the way I'd like, I appreciated that she even knew what the hell DID was.<br><br>Speaking of hell...what the hell just happened?<br><br>First, why am I even posting. I just got home...a long cab ride from the hospital with a very friendly, well meaning Christian who got some idea of the story from me and began to explain exactly what I needed to do. I won't be able to sleep for awhile....and it's too late to call anyone.<br><br>This was supposed to be a bit of a birthday celebration weekend..and really I think that I was to blame for setting this off. Debbie had told all her insiders that it was "safe" to post on the "Mosaic Minds" message board. They have "rooms" for different aged alters who want to chat. Spike, her teen alter, had posted some things there...negative about me...feeling I didn't like her, etc.<br><br>Well, I have a M.M. account from when all this first started...posting and seeking advice. I went to the site and was actually trying to get into the RA room (which turns out to have a separate password) and ended up looking in the room Spike posted in. Well, I thought I needed to address the negative stuff...not defensively...but to clear up this misconception that I don't like her.<br><br>She freaked...well, Debbie began to sob hysterically. Spike had been told that this place was "safe" to post anything she wanted and that I wouldn't read it. So she got angry at Debbie. It got way out of hand. She got a knife...came into the bedroom...ordered me out (this was Spike, of course). Cutting is not good, but I wouldn't call the cops for that. But at one point she had the knife to her own throat..and was struggling to keep control. I did attempt to disarm her, but she fought...and I feared I'd make it worse. I gave her one more chance to put down the knife and then I called 911.<br><br>Here's just a bit of paranormal weirdness to throw into the day. While on the phone with the dispatch person I was walking through this one spot in the hall and a very load, high pitched tone took over the phone...like feedback. I moved out of that spot and it went away, but the 911 dispatch did hear it...though I'm pretty sure it was on my end because walking back through that spot (trying to keep an eye on Debbie but staying out of her space) it did it again...REALLY loud. (just tried it again...no noise at all.)<br><br>Add this to the fact that only a week or so after the "phone home" incident, Debbie's cell phone (the one she used to call her Mom) just sort of died. It wasn't the battery and today they told her they couldn't fix it or transfer any information to a new phone (like phone lists.) <br><br>That spot affects our regular (cordless) phones as well, sometimes, so it's interference from something, but I don't have any idea what...and it's NEVER been that loud...earsplitting. (about the same tone as a dial tone, but REALLY loud).<br><br>Probably pointless to even bring that up...just really weird.<br><br>Just yesterday, I thought my own therapist was going to have ME committed as I decided to give him a full explanation of Debbie's system (that's not the reason) and also disclosed that I have some concern about a larger, more difficult story about Debbie's past than familial abuse. (Again, no real evidence, but just this weird compulsion to call home deal as mentioned in the original post.) I told him I was aware of a all the b.s. out there and started talking about MKULTRA, hoping not to sound paranoid (that's not really even my biggest suspicion about Debbie's case...) but just to explain that these things do go on. <br>He took it well, but I was trying to cram in so much info into the session that I rambled like a lunatic. <br><br>However, despite that, he really did see Debbie's mom's email ("jump off a bridge...etc") as an attempt to destabilize Debbie. <br><br>Here's the thing...it fucking worked. It was, in fact, Spike who immediately reacted with "Oh, then I guess I'll show her" upon reading that email and it is Spike that had the knife to her throat. I had told my therapist I was telling him all this because I suspected that we were heading into a crisis...I didn't really mean 24 hours later, but that's how it turned out.<br><br>So what to make of this. An email from the mom, with triggering kitty cats, that brings up "jumping off a bridge" after Debbie, or a younger part of her, finds herself feeling compelled to call and then, the most violent and self destructive act she's committed to date comes a week later. (no one was seriously injured...and despite my political view of police in general...I praise the job they did. They disarmed her with no weapons drawn or tasers or anything. Just grabbed the hand with the knife very calmly. hats off to them.)<br><br>So, sure, I'm paranoid...and sure, I'm prone to looking for a clearer "bad guy" to make sense of this bizarre and painful situation..but here you have Debbie doing very "programmed" looking things...like calling home and then going into a self destruct mode.<br><br>To moderate my paranoia a bit, there was a central, triggering event...the realization that I'd "invaded" her safe space. And, through intermediary alters, she tells me she was angry at Debbie and trying to punish her for telling them all that MM was "safe". So there's a pretty "rational" narrative to explain it all. Spike felt betrayed and took it out on Debbie...<br><br>But the background to this is that Debbie has really been struggling this last month. Losing time when normally she doesn't, etc.<br><br>And she told me while waiting in the hospital that she's been hearing auditory hallucinations. This means "outside" her head. When I asked what they were saying she got really agitated.<br><br>And the hardest part, as usual, is leaving Wisper. She was out a bit in the hospital and just wanted to come home to the bed and to her kitty cats and to Toughie, the stuffed tiger I bought her for Christmas. <br><br>Her system has pretty much stopped communicating with each other...and this really didn't help. I wish we had good psych hospitals here so that this crisis could be an opportunity for real work...but it doesn't work like that. Just sort of standard issue "group therapy" and a little individual work with a therapist you've just met.<br><br>I knew this was coming. And the reason I knew is because I assumed that the behavior of her Mom was designed to set this sort of thing off. So, what happens when you are paranoid AND you are right??? <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=dreamsend@rigorousintuition>Dreams End</A> at: 3/11/06 10:17 am<br></i>