RAT/MC Survivor Presentation

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Healing

Postby marykmusic » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:52 am

The pain that can only be relieved by heavy drugs (prescription or otherwise, including alcohol) was also programmed into you and me, SW. We were not meant to ever find peace. Our handlers knew that they could be endangered if we ever emerged whole from our ordeals, and even worse if we were to go on the offensive.<br><br>This is what we do here. I consider everything Bad that ever happened to me, as part of my shamanic path. My whole detox experience, and bringing my painful past into my full consciousness (rather than a few wierd but foggy half remembered nightmares) was the most intense initiation of my life.<br><br>The Agnihotra ceremony is incredibly healing for me and everyone I know who participates in it. But that's another thread, yet to be written... --MaryK <p></p><i></i>
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Re: Healing

Postby LilyPatToo » Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:56 pm

Interesting turn the conversation is taking and, I think, an important one for any survivor of a program who has substance abuse problems. I too ended up on heavy-duty psych drugs and became a zombie for a lot of years. But without them I definitely would have killed myself. So I understand the complicated feelings that survivors have around the subject. We were fed terrible drugs for years and years, with no one who cared about us providing oversight. And our bodies and minds were altered, as a direct result. <br><br>It used to torture me to think about the person I might have become if I'd been luckier, but you know, I'm ME...and that "me" is complex and maybe deeper than the person I might otherwise have been.<br><br>I have alters who still suffer from anxiety and at least one is an alcoholic. Several are addicted to sex. But we function and have managed to get off the psychiatric drugs completely. If it's any consolation or encouragement to the women out there--menopause is tougher than Hell, but it brings with it some relief from the anxiety as hormone levels change and the monthly ups-and-downs cease.<br><br>It just occurred to me this AM that here, where so many people will understand, I can be more open about that terrible "painting block" than I usually am. It actually was a major alter switch that resulted in a new personality in the driver's seat, so to speak. The alter I now refer to as The Painter was "in front" for most of my adult life and possibly since I was in my late teens. We had a terrible time back in the early 90's when my/our husband The Skeptic went through a major identity crisis--The Painter hung on as long as she could, but at the end of it, she was such a mess that she had a choice between suicide or going "inside".<br><br>That was when I, much more left-brain than she, took over. It happened without conscious awareness, except for the fact that I cannot paint at all and she was a lifelong artist. My shrink was unaware of my DID, though he'd diagnosed me as "Very Highly Dissociative", and assumed I was conventionally "blocked" from painting. He tried to help, but was unable to do so, so I stopped painting for a decade.<br><br>I still wrote, though, and as it turned out the cyberpunk science fiction novel I spent 2 years on had a Delta alter of mine as the anti-heroine. But I didn't know that. I wondered why she was so strong-willed and wouldn't cooperate with my plot--! *LOL* Live and learn, huh?<br><br>LilyPat <p></p><i></i>
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recovery

Postby blanc » Tue Sep 19, 2006 4:01 pm

is recovery of skill, motivation and committment to pre devastating-memory-level (and so pre- psych meds level) possible? what has been others experience with this? <p></p><i></i>
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Re: recovery

Postby LilyPatToo » Tue Sep 19, 2006 4:32 pm

blanc, my Painter alter is still able to work at a professional level, but MUCH more slowly and painfully. She drinks literally the whole time she's out. We're all worried about what that may be doing to our body.<br><br>Also, something to consider for those of you who've not been able to recapture your previous talents--sometimes other, different ones will emerge. For instance, I seem able to learn and work in 3D computer art, something that The Painter is completely unable to learn. I'm thinking, after seeing all this powerful art work that you're doing, that perhaps I could try again to get some of my memories out via programs like Poser? I've tried before and had sudden computer crashes and a lot of mental static, but at least I'm willing to try, whereas The Painter doesn't even believe that mind control is real. She did "Lily's Window" as a favor for Lily, not because she thinks Lily is truly "program".<br><br>A friend pointed me to this wonderful art site and the woman HAS to be a trauma-based MC survivor! <!--EZCODE LINK START--><a href="http://www.marilynchen.com/">Marilyn Chen</a><!--EZCODE LINK END--> And she uses Poser for her digital work, too.<br><br>LilyPat <p></p><i></i>
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recovery

Postby blanc » Tue Sep 19, 2006 4:48 pm

it is very complicated. I try to support 2 people, who both lost skills in a number of areas post memory recovery, and feel as if all 3 of us are edging along a tightrope blindfolded.<br>I want to help, but have no idea how to. some of the things which seem to be in play are<br>1. different mental personalities - either full blown alters or something else a bit like it<br>2. deliberate destruction of ability by directed actions in the past by perpetrators<br>3. images triggering through to mental states associated with memories which havent yet been unblocked<br>4. loss of motivation, explained as feeling that the motivation came from the now discredited experiences, but also as a part of depression and self destruction<br>5. loss of ability to concentrate<br>6. loss of memory of the skills<br>7. damage of psych active meds<br>8. damage of stress levels due to trauma re-experienced through flashbacks<br>9. loss of confidence in or sense of self<br> <p></p><i></i>
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Re: recovery

Postby Project Willow » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:14 pm

Blanc,<br>It sounds to me like this is a phase of recovery, and a reaction to specific discouraging experiences during the process, rather than a permanent phenomemon. Perpetrator interference is definitely problematic. Perhaps other methods of processing the trauma have lessened the motivation to create as well.<br><br>I have refused to take medications throughout my recovery, so I'm not familiar with their impacts. I've found that survivors recieving adequate care recover abilities that were previously lost, (before the trauma or control) rather than the other way around. <br><br>I have abilities I have recovered through a kind of pseudo-integration. I often have memories of stages of programming I went through when I was little where I had an instant of realization that some part of me, an ability or aspect of my personality was missing. They were no longer available on a daily basis, co-opted for work on the other side. I think the majority of my natural abilties were hijacked into the service of maintaining this highly complex system inside. <br><br>LilyPat, I know a couple of artists who have to be drunk in order to paint. All of the artists I know drink regularly regardless.<br><br>sw, some of what you're talking about has to do with aging, and the degradation of word finding skills. Some of it I believe has to do with damage to the corpus collusum, and split brain training. That is, when you are feeling in that fog state, you have less access to verbal abilities. It happens to me too, in fact feeling as if there is a fog inside for me, is a very specific program. Your writing ability should be intact and accessible to you through deprogramming. Hope that helps. <p></p><i></i>
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fog

Postby blanc » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:44 pm

what is the programming related to the 'fog'? this is something spoken about - of course there could be other explanations. <br>the survivors i am talking about were ra - but the perpetrators had military connections, and access to some gadgets and techniques which have echoes in reports of mc. so aside from absolute cruelty, i am not sure what was going on. <p></p><i></i>
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Re: great presentation pw

Postby hava1 » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:52 pm

And i love the paintings. I am using paintings/images in my blog, not often though, from your website (with credit), especially to accompany posts related to MC/RA. <br><br>I too didn't use medication, so far, in recovery (I was heavily medicated, though, during control and for programming). I don't have an opinion about medication, but for me, since this was part of the abuse, it is not practical. In fact, the main "whip" was psychiatric abuse. <br> <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p216.ezboard.com/brigorousintuition.showUserPublicProfile?gid=hava1>hava1</A> at: 9/19/06 4:31 pm<br></i>
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Re: great presentation pw

Postby Project Willow » Tue Sep 19, 2006 9:58 pm

Blanc, that sounds ominous.<br><br>The perps used a lot of visual introjects, objects or scenes that are replayed in the mind's eye when the alter who originally experienced them is present. Connecting training that is targeted to internal behavior (use of the brain, eg. access to alters and memories) to external objects and experiences seemed to be more effective. Then the objects themselves can act as triggers also. <br>This is what I experience with the fog programming. I cannot "see" inside, my visual perception internally is blocked, or it's at least foggy. I actually see a black fog instead of what I might usually see. <br><br>I believe they did this with drugs affecting vision, or other tricks with the environment in the lab. It's a kind of shut down sequence. An alter who is stuck in that blind or drugged state takes over, or blends with whoever is out front. We have a kind of shared experience at that point, but the effect is largely internal. Connections between alters become difficult, so we lose access to some abilities, and fluidity of thought.<br><br>Hope that makes sense.<br><br>Hava, thanks for sharing that. <p></p><i></i>
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fog

Postby sw » Tue Sep 19, 2006 10:40 pm

edit
Last edited by sw on Mon Jan 22, 2007 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: fog

Postby hava1 » Wed Sep 20, 2006 12:27 am

blanc, hope you are writing to the other email, cause the early one is now totally inaccessible. if there is any problem you can PM me here. <p></p><i></i>
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brain states

Postby blanc » Wed Sep 20, 2006 3:47 am

the other thing I forgot to mention is an actual feeling of 'disconnection' in one part of the brain - points to front area, top of head <p></p><i></i>
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Re: brain states

Postby LilyPatToo » Wed Sep 20, 2006 2:33 pm

This is all fascinating. I tend to get caught up in the politics of MC and not interact very much with survivors on alter system dynamics at all. Since I'm still being accessed, my memory barriers are patched up frequently, so my memories have slowed to a painful trickle.<br><br>But the fog that's been mentioned is present in a couple of incidents that involve missing time. And I have another one, too, that kicks in when I'm really pushing hard on the barriers--I call it Black Frost. It begins at the base of my skull and spreads upward and outward until it covers my whole head. It's deep black and very, very cold--the kind that makes sinuses ache.<br><br>Used to be, I got it after a few sips of a (drugged) drink that would be handed to me when I came aboard an early owner's (mid-1970's) yachts. I'd just make it to a cabin before it began to spread and I'd lose consciousness. I always heard 3 beautiful deep tones sound, then it would take over.<br><br>Lately, it's shown up when I rebel and try to do art with "program" themes. It seems to affect both me (who's typing this) and The Painter, who is the one who experienced it back 30 years ago. Back then, it had nothing to do with art and I had no idea I was program at all. Perhaps my current handlers have adapted it to use as a deterrent? <br><br>It always begins at the base of my skull. I'll see if it shows up today--I'm going to try some computer art with program images....<br><br>LilyPat <p></p><i></i>
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brain states

Postby blanc » Wed Sep 20, 2006 5:23 pm

I appreciate being able to air these matters without having to do the rounds of self justification first. <p></p><i></i>
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Re: brain states

Postby LilyPatToo » Wed Sep 20, 2006 5:56 pm

blanc, yes--isn't it great to not have to go into exhausting, invalidating explanations/defenses?<br><br>LilyPat <p></p><i></i>
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