1. I did some standup comedy in college. Yeah… Well. I guess I don’t have to explain to you why I didn’t go much further with that.
2. When I was in nursery school in the San Francisco Bay Area, I became the favorite of the lady who ran the place. Soon a man began showing up there, to take me to the nearby military base to join other children there for classes.
3. My grandfather was the worst driver I have ever known. I don’t remember him ever using the horn; instead, he would roll down the window of his Rambler, and yell, “Cocksucker!” (I think he was actually louder than the horn.) As you might imagine, he became a fantastic hit with all the other drivers. One time, another man in a red convertible – who had just been called that word – smiled over at my grandfather, and said, “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t see you. I’ll try to be more careful. I hope you and your family have a wonderful day.” That’s the only time I remember my grandfather ever being embarrassed – even when his bad driving killed my grandmother several years later.
4. When I was five, I was raped by a sixteen year old boy. Even today, I still have trouble talking about that due to the shame I still feel — and even though I know, cognitively, that I don’t need to feel any shame at all. Odd, isn’t it?
5. When I think back on my childhood years – I guess from about two years old on – my life was filled with extremely strange events. In fact, my very first memory – ever – is of a face notably similar to what is now commonly thought of as an alien. I became familiar with these people in my early years. And I do not believe these are “aliens” at all.
6. I hate liver. It tastes like baked mud. I love strawberries. They taste like heaven.
7. When I was in kindergarten, I refused to hold the hand of a little black girl when all the children were gathered together in a circle at the public school. My refusal seemed to cause everyone to come apart at the seams. A parent-teacher-principal conference was hastily put together, and my mom and I showed up together to face their questions. They wanted to know “what on earth” my mom was teaching “this child.” The teacher actually blushed a little when it turned out that I didn’t want to hold the little girl’s hand simply because her finger had a booger on it. (Eeewww…)
8. I’m gay. And I actually can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel
gay — although with the… uh, “assistance” of my former religion, I tried with all my might to convince myself that I wasn’t. (I now believe that people can convince themselves of pretty much anything and, for a while, I convinced myself that I was straight.) Then I laid eyes on my partner. And, um… that was it. Twenty-one years later now, I still think he’s actually the handsomest guy – and, far more importantly, the very best person – I have ever met. (Ever.)
9. Lots and lots of people really do, literally, hate gay people. I used to think that was just hyperbole, or maybe isolated incidents of hate… It isn’t.
10. Gary Larson is my favorite cartoonist. And this is my favorite cartoon: