Regrets, I've had a few

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Regrets, I've had a few

Postby 82_28 » Mon Jan 07, 2013 1:31 pm

So I am searching for a photo I took to share in the "loss of comprehension in text" thread like three years ago and I came across the very email that probably got me broken up with someone I still dearly love. So I thought I would go all out and share what makes me so sad. Reason being is that I trust everyone here online and off and I can't believe I wrote this. I remember it. But I so should have laid off. Within two months of writing this to my girlfriend, that was it. It's funny this came up in my searching though because it was so unrelated. UGH.

If you feel like sharing regrets, it could be cathartic to all. I dunno. I just have to release to the Universe and somehow make amends with what I feel badly for. We all have them.

I did nothing to hurt you. We had a fine night. I just can't play
ball with this shit anymore -- the shit you pull. We're either "a
team" or we're not. I wouldn't even be saying this were it not for
your family's firm handed approach to being "correct" or some shit. I
tell my parents to fuck off and will till the day they or I die. I
tell my brother to fuck off. Do you think this is because of an
insane sense of family life? Fuck no. But when I say I am going to
go get mayonnaise at the (redacted), it's because I fucking looked at the
price at PCC. I can pay for the side of Mayo on Weds at the (redacted).

You're the one with your ideas and I'm the one with mine, but about
mayo, is just fucking stupid and you started it all and then blamed me
for not going for it. I explained to you why. Still. Doesn't
matter. I wasn't gonna go back into the fucking kitchen and get
ingredients in the sense of "looting the place". I fucking told you
what the (redacted) had and that for your purposes it would have been no
problem had I been working.

I also spoke to you about how much I appreciate you tonight, That
doesn't matter either. Nothing matters but you. Well, nothing
matters but me either. You're lame and had no need to blow this out
of proportion,

Define cool, you once said on one of your junkets into insanity. If
you can't "define" it, you straight up can't. But you know what cool
is. Jackie said it tonight best, when talking about her date boy:
girls are insane.

Why must you be? I didn't do anything besides react to you. I didn't
say a damned thing and didn't do a damned thing.

This is wearing very thin. Seriously, if you even remotely love me as
you possibly lie to me saying you do, then you'll fucking be cool.

EDIT:

Now I've spoken to you and now I'm mad. Well done. You're passed the
fuck out and I'm still kickin' it, cos, who's the crunk? I drink
because of anxiety management. I drink because I like it. I drink.
It's not an issue. I don't fucking drink at work. A sip of beer is
nothing. You went to motherfucking Germany. A sip of beer is
nothing. It's not shots. I know it makes you feel better, but it
makes me feel worse. Every motherfucker in our lives or who gave us
our lives drinks. I don't need the bullshit. Do I drink caffeine?
Nope. Well get with the program. If you even remotely love me,
you'll chill the fuck out (not pass out like your drunk ass is right
now) and accuse me of drinking too much. You drink too much and all
issues of drinking and us together SWARM around your behavior when you
drink. You have also always blamed all that on me. I just chill and
hang out. You kick me out of bed, you walk away from me like I'm a
mute, wear your attitude on your sleeves, you do as you wish. I've
looked out for your alcohol consumption. I've been told that I ruined
a birthday of yours just because you got so shit faced you couldn't
control yourself. I made excuses for you to make it so common friends
get along for the future. Have you made excuses for me? Perhaps.
But only because I ain't no anal ass motherfucker who can't take a
joke. But when I am offended by lameness, I say so.

I look out for you and you for me, but this is bullshit, and I won't
put up with it much longer. It isn't a threat, as I do not want it to
come to pass, but I am about done. When I told you last I loved you,
which is now, I believe love to be forever, but it really doesn't seem
that way with you. If you will not "bend" then nor will I. I already
have, I'll do it again, but there needs to be some meeting in the
middle. I told you I'm down with the "morning hard on" thing. Well,
I'm not anymore, because you toss me out of bed like I'm some kind of
asshole and it completely turns my weirdo mostly non-sexual shit off.
Go find another guy and good luck, I'm sure he'll be awesome and deal
coke or cross dress or some shit.

But since you're passed out pissed drunk, I guess I will have to wait.
Just remember "mayo" "being lame" and "PCC". All of it stupid and
you fully made me mad. You knew I couldn't get all that shit at the
(redacted). But now that your hysterical shit got your brother involved
well then, now it's a whole 'nother can of worms. Well done,
drunkard. Didn't have to remotely be this way, but since I'm the
"drinker" and not passed the fuck out, I'm the one who gets to
remember it.


Bummer dude. Why the fuck did I do that? Obviously, anger. But why?

I so shouldn't have. . .

There was a better way to handle my feelings. I didn't do it the better way.

:tear

No judgments, just regrets. I did take it all back in like two days and apologized. But obviously, the damage was done.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby JackRiddler » Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:35 pm

Thank you for exposing your life to us like this. I appreciate hearing the voice. And... sorry!

My most common regret lately is not having stayed in the Academy. Actually, the me of back then who dropped out of it could not have possibly felt otherwise, I am well aware. I just should have found my way back into it in time. It was the only relatively safe place for me in this form of society.

.
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

To Justice my maker from on high did incline:
I am by virtue of its might divine,
The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby semper occultus » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:01 am

...writing it's fine...its sending it that's the problem...
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Nordic » Sat Jan 12, 2013 3:22 am

JackRiddler wrote:My most common regret lately is not having stayed in the Academy.
.



What kind of Academy?
"He who wounds the ecosphere literally wounds God" -- Philip K. Dick
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Canadian_watcher » Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:09 am

Aw 82.. it'll hurt less in time. I've written those kinds of letters, too. Not for a really long time, but I've done it.

My most easily recalled regrets surround my late father. They're pretty common, I guess, for people who have lost loved ones but now I know why they are so often written about in dramatic works: I should have called him more. I should have visited more. I should have heard it in his voice that he was having a hard time. I shouldn't have given him a hard time about wearing his bathrobe all day every day when he was sick. I should have forced him to stay at my house longer during his 'recovery' (he never really recovered.) I shouldn't have had that dinner party that night when he was not feeling well because I realized too late that he must have felt lonely and outcast while everyone else was having a lovely old time eating and drinking. I should have been kinder at all times instead of sometimes impatient and frustrated. I regret not throwing a giant screaming fit at the hospital when they told us "go home, there's nothing we can do" because I think they probably could have done something at that point.

it's a toughie... it's been difficult to accept that I'll never get to tell him any of this, or tell him again that I love him. Death is so damned permanent.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.-- Jonathan Swift

When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby JackRiddler » Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:26 pm

Nordic wrote:
JackRiddler wrote:My most common regret lately is not having stayed in the Academy.
.



What kind of Academy?


Meant generically. Plato's. The academic sector. Grad school. Doctorate. Teaching. Relative security. Footnotes.* Grading. Going for tenure. Trying not to show too much horror at the quality of writing from college students. Being involved in battles to own the best terms and assert hegemony of interpretation over the most popular frivolous cultural phenomena. More wild sex on average than in most other industries, at least afaics (which is not to imply that it's a lot, just relatively). Publish or perish. Playing a public intellectual on the radio. Being taken seriously and not being treated dismissively by academics and the academically-blinded in those rare cases when I demonstrate that I am smarter or know more shit than they do. Starting a think-tank. Being one of the French people of the kind you see in Haneke films, with a big, old, painfully tasteful apartment in Paris. That stuff.

Actually, if I'd had my head on straight, it would not have been Political Science (dropped out at 3 weeks) but film school. An auto-pilot mistake.

* It's perpetually less secure, of course, but as I'm an older guy now it should have worked out okay before the present situation in which everyone is an adjunct, etc. etc. Or I would have got myself blacklisted in one fashion or another.
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

To Justice my maker from on high did incline:
I am by virtue of its might divine,
The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

TopSecret WallSt. Iraq & more
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Hammer of Los » Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:34 am

...

The academic sector. Grad school. Doctorate. Teaching. Relative security. Footnotes.* Grading. Going for tenure. Trying not to show too much horror at the quality of writing from college students. Being involved in battles to own the best terms and assert hegemony of interpretation over the most popular frivolous cultural phenomena. More wild sex on average than in most other industries, at least afaics (which is not to imply that it's a lot, just relatively). Publish or perish. Playing a public intellectual on the radio. Being taken seriously and not being treated dismissively by academics and the academically-blinded in those rare cases when I demonstrate that I am smarter or know more shit than they do.


Some of that sounds good.

Perhaps I'll try to get a phd in philosophy.

Philosophy of religion.

Daoism, maybe.

Or the perennial philosophy.

Bein' a cool philosophy professor sounds good to me.

Better than bein' a put upon house husband anyway.

...
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Col. Quisp » Sat Jan 19, 2013 1:13 am

I don't understand the part about the mayo? oh well...sounds like you are better off out of that relationship, 82.

Gawd, I regret so much I don't even know where to start. It's best to not focus on the regrets, I think. It just makes me angry and bitter. I regret that I did not become a classics professor. I regret that I broke up with a fairly well-off guy because my best friend looked down his nose at him for being so bourgeious (sp? too lazy to look up). Yet the minute my back was turned the friend was giving the guy a BJ during a weeekend in the Hamptons. I could have had a cush-y life with that guy. I found out he lived in Hungary for a whie, had a successful business over there..yeah, life could have been nothing but endless dobosh tortes, rigo jancze, and goulash. But nooooo...he was soo normal...I left him for a slacker back home. One that my friend approved of. But ya gotta look on the bright side - yes, I gave up a life of Riley. But I gained a lot of good relationships after that, had a wonderful marriage, and lots of spiritual growth along the way (still more to come, I hope!). And I probably did him a favor by leaving. His mother never liked me. My biggest regret, however, is not the fact that I gave up the "good life." It's that I took him for granted and, although I did love him, never really knew him. I am not sure why I've been thinking about this man so much over the past week or so -- I hope he hasn't passed on and is trying to send me a message through the ether. If so, then here's to Roger - i hope you forgive me for being such a termagent..I always will remember the good times we had, and thank you for teaching a young punk about the finer things.

Hey, I'm not even drunk while writing this! Not that I drink much. I rarely drink at all. Maybe it's the Mexican chocolate I've been eating all week. Man, that stuff is psychoactive. thanks for letting me rant about a 35 year old romance. He was very handsome - he looks like Jon Hamm. His stepfather used to beat him at the urging of his mother, and she'd rile him up by saying, "He's just like a little Hitler." The stepfather, a Holocaust survivor, would go crazy and say, Yes...CHUST like a leetle Heetler!" and beat him harder.
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby 82_28 » Sat Jan 19, 2013 5:33 am

The mayo is what seals it for how bad it seems to me. Because for me, I could have been more calm. There is much more to it. But, as for my side, I could have done shit differently. That's what sucks about fucking life.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Col. Quisp » Sat Jan 19, 2013 3:11 pm

But I still don't understand, what was it about the mayo? What happened with the mayo? Were you accused of stealing mayo your SO's parents' house? I'm lost. Did you get in trouble for buying mayo at the wrong store? What gives with the mayo???? Enquiring minds want to know.
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby 82_28 » Tue Jan 22, 2013 9:05 pm

Col. Quisp wrote:But I still don't understand, what was it about the mayo? What happened with the mayo? Were you accused of stealing mayo your SO's parents' house? I'm lost. Did you get in trouble for buying mayo at the wrong store? What gives with the mayo???? Enquiring minds want to know.


I had JUST started a new job bartending (same place I still am) and she texted me that she needed mayo for something. I told her that I couldn't just go into the kitchen and just take anything. I was new. On the way home is a grocery store, but it's kind of a local Whole Foods type place. See, I was just coming off unemployment and still didn't have a lot of money and also I had just gotten a DUI. So I was stressed with all the changes and costs in my life -- our life together. Well, I went into the store and the only mayo was like $8 a jar or something. So I came home empty handed. She got pissed and I got pissed at her right back.

You know? "I just started this job! I can't just assume that I can go back in the kitchen and snag anything until I feel it out here. And the mayo at PCC is just way too expensive."

Now it would be not only not a big deal but not a deal at all taking it or even buying it. But something about how pissed she got at me and not understanding my situation really fucking pissed me off right back. She was pissed because I think she was trying to make lunch for herself for the next day and she had some shit all staged and needed mayo for it and apparently I ruined it. Such a small thing, but the stress in those days was off the charts.

Funny thing is is that last night I went to a bar her and I went to all the time and caught up with some people I haven't seen in a few years and the invariable happened again (ask Willow), "Something just wasn't right with her. You're such a nice person." Not to "toot" my horn. But I get it everywhere where her and I used to haunt. There's way more to it, believe me. I still shouldn't have sent that email, ultimately.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Col. Quisp » Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:59 pm

Thanks for the explanation - sorry I was prying. It makes sense now. You did the right thing. Ugh, I hate mayo! nasty stuff.
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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby barracuda » Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:00 pm

Too few to mention.

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Re: Regrets, I've had a few

Postby Col. Quisp » Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:09 am

Lucky you!
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