Some stupid questions

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Some stupid questions

Postby zhivkov » Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:56 am

Do I dare hope? Tonight I talked with my mum on the phone and she said a package had come for me in the mail. I have important things sent to their address because sometimes the mail where I live gets misplaced. The only conceivable thing I could think of was the Rigorous Intuition book my brother ordered for me-she was heading to a temp job and couldn't open the package. I was just confused if thats what it was because I didn't even think the book would be out of the printers until late November. I will be very happy if that is what the package is. Loved Anxious Gravity by the way.
Another question I had is about the sites 'bandwidth'-my tiny knowledge of all things computer will come out here. Before, when I have tried to access the site I get a gray screen that says CPU quota exceeded and I wondered if we are running out of 'room'-I also wondered if images and images that move take up more 'space'-I have found many images I think people here would enjoy but I don't want to post too many more if whatever is causing the quota thing is part of this-gosh I sound stupid.

The last question I had was that I was going to someday post examples of my writing in OP EDs thread in the Data Dump. I have no illusions about ever being published or anything like that -it was more writing for therapy and it wasn't going to take up a lot of space. If I were to do this and I think I've partially answered my own question -I thought I should ask how 'adult' I could get. The chapter that is mostly written concerns a conversation I had in 2004 with a friend shortly after meeting my bf. It wasn't until early 2004 that I realized the story of 9-11 wasn't as advertised in the MSM-I am 43 years old but had never 'surfed' the web or sent an email until then.
When I realized what had really happened that day (among many other deep state ops) I began to have a mental breakdown(some might say that never stopped hehe)-what added to the breakdown was realizing that my all time American hero/good man had been killed by the same machine (MLK) and of course so many other good and decent men and women killed by the same forces. In this same set of paragraphs I was going to post was writing about my awful dependency on pain pills and anti-anxiety meds mixed with booze (no longer do the booze but have the other problems)-The only problem is that all of the things mentioned (deep state stuff, addiction, mental problems, talking about the 'real' America) happened during a conversation that was very adult and gritty in sexual terms and its not going to sound real if I take out the gritty stuff-so I will definitely wait until I find out how far you can go.

I owe RI so much-so many members of this forum have helped me with so many things. A short while ago I had become very melancholy and agitated missing a friend who had died when I was still in high school. The depression I was going through continued to get worse and knowing that I probably won't see 45 anyway and feeling that I am like an albatross around my families neck-they literally have to pay for almost everything that I need (meds, medical care and food excluded)-I had started to make plans to off myself-I knew that it would really hurt them but I feel like I am putting a real weight on their lives that they don't need. Two people here helped put my life and my problems back in perspective with beautiful thoughts and words-just think without them you might not be being exposed to my incessant chatter right now :D In the spirit of how much I owe them and the rest of you I am going to try to be making some donations to the forum whenever I can-I would love to be able to give a lot of you a gift just for being who you are.
I won't post about my writing until I see where the line is drawn on subjects concerning adult sexual talk, and I won't go bonkers posting images until I find out about RI's 'CPU quota' Best to all of you-Z(Devin)
"you gave me in secret one thing to perceive, the tall blue starry strangeness of being here at all"-Franz Wright
zhivkov
 
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