by Dreams End » Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:13 am
Really interesing. And I would guess crucial for survivors still actively in danger....easier for a significant other to understand "pseudo-accessing" through phone tirades than through weird noises or code words. <br><br>I sure as hell would like to know (though with my wife, I've seen no evidence of any government aspect whatsoever....but hints of RA, for sure.)<br> <br><br>*********************slight trigger warning here*****************<br><br><br><br><br>In the last few months, we've had sex...well, quite rarely, and that's not unexpected.<br><br>And on two occasions, different alters have emerged whose "job" it seems to me to have sex.<br><br>The first was almost robotic and distant in her reponse (didn't emerge till toward the end, but it is still a great shame to me that I did not stop right away.) That alter did not seem to enjoy anything about the experience.<br><br>Then another time, a very nice, exciting, almost like old times experience, though her reactions, while definitely showing enjoyment, did seem different. A little later she said, "I wonder who that was during sex?"<br><br>Well, we sort of figured it was just a fragment who handled sex...yet it was odd because she really did seem different from any time I'd been sexual with her before.<br><br>However, I was pretty floored to learn that this particular alter was also the one to come out when she was raped many years ago. I won't go into that except to say that until the DID diagnosis, she had just assumed that she had been drugged and that's why she didn't remember much. Now, how is she to process an experience of an alter "enjoying" the rape? I suppose it's possible the alter did not, but sexual enthusiasm seems to be her function.<br><br>I have curiosity about the whole thing myself. She had fragmentary memories of some violence involved, or threats, anyway, and some real phobias because of them. And yet the guy gave her a ride in the morning and told her he was coming back into town the next week. So I must wonder if this story is as simple as it seems. Tragic, whatever the full story.<br><br>By the way, I just read most of "Fractured Mind" by Oxnam. I would be interested to have other survivors read it. the triggering stuff, at least in terms of violent images and memories, is confined to a very short section, called "Baby's Terror". So it's easily read without that section.<br><br>Oxnam is a very prominent guy...just on 60 Minutes. But there's something not quite right about the book. Given his social circles, I had to ask "why him, and why now" but it goes beyond that.<br><br>What was wrong, primarily, was what was missing and what was denied. For example, when he finally got to describing the abuse as a small boy (which I won't talk about in detail) he was at great pains to say that it was only relatives on his mother's side (rather "low born" in comparison to high society, prototype WASP dad's side.) <br><br>Secondly, he had a memory of one perp (never identified, but I think we are told through hints it was maternal grandparents) who ran around on a broom saying she was a witch, but in the memory she was "just joking". Whatever her purpose, one of his alters was "the witch", a very nasty sort whose job was internal punishment.<br><br>Another thing that struck me was that he has this one revelation, an elaborate internally visualized search for a "library" book of memories. When he has it, he remembers (or the alter, "Baby" remembers) the abuse. It all comes out in one session. Then the shrink says no need to revisit that ever again, now we know all we need to know. <br><br>Well, maybe so...<br><br>But he then goes about integrating his system in such a businesslike way (actually calling them "mergers")...I don't know, it seemed to me that either the writing was just really missing the mark, or there was too much he didn't want to talk about, or, my favorite interpretation, that there's a bunch more down there that never came out.<br><br>I also found it odd that he only talked about his business life, with a little comment on his past. (The book is written by various of his parts, one primary narrator but other parts contributing their perspectives.) What was odd is that at one point late in the book he meets a woman and they fall in love and he tells her he's leaving his wife anyway. I'd forgotten he was married. And he has kids. And yet in the book, except for a mention at the very beginning, he never mentions them (well, I'm only 2/3 through, but he's already left his wife.) Pages and pages about how this affected his career...but nothing about his wife. Even if this was by agreement with his ex wife to keep her and the kids out, I would expect some acknowledgment of that, with a nod toward the hell their life seems to have been together.<br><br>I don't know, the whole thing seemed too pat, somehow. This guy is so prominent. Spent a cruise with Bush Sr. and Barbara, grandfather, a Methodist Bishop who helped found (I think) World Council of Churches. All this business about how it had to be the "low class" relatives on his mom's side. <br><br>He was President of the Asia society and did much training for the military and, though he doesn't say it, there's simply no way he could have been so hooked into Chinese society through his studies and contacts that the CIA was not talking with him on a regular basis. Nothing sinister in that, exactly, but just gives you an idea about his social circles. <br><br>So why him? why now? Is this just a personal "limited hangout"? Did he want the story known even though he didn't want to tell all the story? Does he not know he is maybe still missing big pieces of the puzzle? Or is this a way to signal that MPD is only a result of simple (horrifying, but simple) abuse, most likely by lower class relatives? Is the "witch" reference just some kind of coincidence (the abuser was definitely playing a "wicked witch" role.)<br><br>The thing is, his system is pretty similar to my wife's. And the key in his system was "Eyes", a young part that cannot speak or communicate, but knew where to look for the answers. <br><br>Debbie has "Sarah", a girl literally without a mouth, who cannot speak. And in a weird coincidence, the evening I was about to read the section about Eyes, Sarah emerged. This had only happened once before. I was reading a story (Pooh again...not Oz) and Wisper, the playful 4-year-old was there but got quiet. Then she had this very very blank look on her face and just pointed across the room. Well, Wisper had told me that it was Sarah who wanted the story, so it wasn't too surprising. She was pointing at an artificial flower hanging from a shelf across the room, so I asked her if she wanted it. She nodded (barely) so I brought it to her. She looked at it as if she'd never seen anything like it before, and stroked it for quite awhile. Then back to the story, and she just listened, but at one point she pointed at a picture of Eeyore doing a handstand (uncharacteristically happy because Pooh had just found his lost tail, a fitting metaphor for that moment, actually.) Clearly she enjoyed the picture and the story, but she didn't smile...her mouth stayed pretty immobile, though I may have detected a hint of a smile at the end. <br><br>Debbie came back and turns out she was co-conscious with Sarah...first time ever. Like last time Sarah emerged, Debbie was left with much sadness and grief and pain, but no real sense of context to any of it. However, ALL her parts are pretty down right now, and to me this seems like a possible good sign as they seem to be sharing emotions among each other now, even though there's not a lot of direct verbal communication.<br><br>She's in for a lot more rough patches. I don't know exactly what happened but I'm getting a sense, I think. I won't share my wife's real name, but even her name is...well, clue is not even the word. More like a freaking billboard. You'll have to wait for OUR book to come out to hear about that, though. Too easily identifiable (and don't know that we'll really have a book.)<br><br>So there was certainly "progamming", in one sense of the word...operant conditioning, intentional induction of altered states, use of fear and trauma to create a subservient victim. And you know, as I've said before, one of the big secrets that disinfo about far too elaborate conspiracies may hide is that hypnotizing and other such techniques may simply be much easier than we realize. So they need to make it seem difficult, only accomplishable by a few highly trained specialists.<br><br>In fact, to some degree, this goes on in any such abuse. I understand why sexual abuse victims don't tell, but I DON'T understand how abusers are so freaking confident the victim won't tell. <br><br>However, I realize that the type of programming meant in this discussion is the creation of a set of alters to serve particular functions and most likely to do so with the total ignorance of other parts. So far, everything for Debbie tracks back to some pretty sick parental behaviors. So far, too, there's an internal consistency to the narrative that's emerging. It's horrible, whatever she went through...but I hope that there's not a whole lot more than what she's already expecting to find. <p></p><i></i>