On the subject of contemplating one's mortality

[Peregrine]

It's a heavy subject, yes, & given the nature of a recent post that put many into a bit of a panic earlier, that isn't what I am aluding to.

I've been humming & hawing on putting this one on here, because as of late, I have been undergoing my own personal forging of an inward journey, so to speak, & it's also something I wanted to share, too, to maybe inspire discussion on a rather deep subject.

Since the fall, I have been trying & learning to bring myself into harmony with, well, myself. In other words, I feel as if I am trying to read between the lines of some very subtle occurences, experiences & synchronicities that have happened to me all my life. I feel as if I am learning to pay more attention to that inner voice, or intuition. I feel I've always had it, but I also feel that I am trying to bring it more into focus.

Forgive me if I sound as if I am trailing off on my own thought process, but in short, I have actually been contemplating my own mortality. I do not mean that in the sense that I am eager for my life to end, but what my own personal purpose is in the physical, the here & now. A few years ago I ran into a young fellow, only a couple of years older than I & in quite good health, who had suffered a heart attack while driving. He knew he was going down but thankfully an observant driver saw that he was in trouble & helped. I started to think, what if that were me? The idea of coming face to face with my own death scared the shit out of me, so I put it out of my mind, at least up until the Fall of last year.
Back in the fall, I had an Autumn Equinox dinner & celebration with a lovely group of women (Perelandra & Annie Aronburg joined me, which was awesome). The experience left me in a very self reflective state for about a month after, that I was not expecting. This I feel is what sort of started me on my little path to get to know myself on more of a profound or deeper level.

Just before Christmas I came across a blog put together by a fellow named Dan Mitchell & a lot of what he shares of his own personal experiences of high strangeness resonates quite closely with my own. I wrote him & shared a lot of my own personal experiences & also changes that I had been experiences since the summer & fall. I do not feel it was mere coincidence that I found his blog & I found discussions with this fellow very enlightening.
He has been ridiculed & labeled a kook, but I found that much of what I was reading propelled me to look a little deeper & under the surface. I found that his blog made more sense when I started at the begining & worked my way forward. It might not be everyone's cup of tea, and found that I did not agree with everything he had to say, but a lot made sense on a very personal level, particularly on one's imagination & dreamworld not being such an abstract place & the linear timeline not being quite what we think it is.

I also found, earlier this year, that I had been visiting my dead grandmother in dreams, since she past away 5 years ago. The last dream I had was very profound & it dawned on me where i was when I awoke that morning. What I have found, from this experience & contemplating my own mortality, is that I feel that living in the physical is the begining of a very long journy & I do not believe anymore that death is the end of the line. Not all will agree & that is totally cool. I had a discussion with my favorite uncle on the subject & he's absolutely convinced that when we go, it's lights out & your existence is gone. I will probably go into further detail about my experience with my grandmother & my relationship to her a little later in this post, but for now I need a breather & a good soak in the tub. I am curious of other riginter's ideas on the subject.

[Elvis]

---

Based on what I've read and heard and thought about it, I think that when we die, it's more like waking up, from a kind of sleep or dream. I could be totally wrong, but I'm expecting to wake up.

[eyeno]

I am now fearless because I do not care who I am.

[justdrew]

The "rules" seem to be ad-hoc community-enforced developed over time in response to issues that developed. Clearly, it seems, we are not supposed to know. We are supposed to take this as it. Our one shot finale answer up/down go/no-go flight. Our thesis. but helpful voices whisper, don't worry, you can just go again, everyone does, no rush, no worries, it's a rough game, and it REALLY seems like a game sometimes. The scope of things. The choices, the chances... it's a good game. Play on tiger

[Elvis]

The "rules" seem to be ad-hoc community-enforced developed over time in response to issues that developed. Clearly, it seems, we are not supposed to know. We are supposed to take this as it. Our one shot finale answer up/down go/no-go flight. Our thesis. but helpful voices whisper, don't worry, you can just go again, everyone does, no rush, no worries, it's a rough game, and it REALLY seems like a game sometimes. The scope of things. The choices, the chances... it's a good game. Play on tiger

I really like that, drew.

I have wondered if the overarching aim is to experience everything. That should keep us all busy for a long time.

[Nordic]

We are most definitely not supposed to know everything. That has been made quite clear to me.

I wish it was easier to understand.

If I knew what to study, maybe I could ace this test.

[Wombaticus Rex]

I think a lot of good comes from centering yourself with Memento Mori. I used to use that as a mantra but of course, it lost it's power gradually, one reason I turned to Ganapatya mantras -- same reason I love Ali Farka Toure: no idea what they're saying. I can do the syllables fine but there's no mere meaning interrupting my entrainment. Yet as meaning goes, facing up to death has some serious gravity.

As subjective experimental data, I have noticed that I am at my most calm and moral when in regular contemplation of mortality.

[Peregrine]

A funny thing happens when you drink a large cup of coffee at a certain time of night....
Hello insomnia!

So I'm just gonna ramble a bit... It will probably be long.

I have found the past year that a lot of my old belief systems were turned on their ear. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness in a rather relaxed environment. In other words, most of my family pretty much believed the teachings of JW's, but were not strict adherents to the religion. All in all, it was a rather stifling experience growing up being one & when I finally left in my mid twenties, it was like coming out of a damn cave into that warm sun.
Unbeknownst to me, I held onto a lot of their beliefs for a long time & it also took years to purge that "guilty mindset". So when it came to the subject of death & mortality, it's like my mind was programed to default back to some of their teachings around the subject, then I'd have this odd conflict with myself, & tell myself, "but, butbut it's bullshit...." & I never could come to a satisfactory conclusion about the subject, so I would just force it out of my mind.
You see, a lot of their teachings around the subject is that, if you die, you are resurrected onto this beautiful paradise earth & are forever surrounded by happiness, eternal blessings & fluffy bunnies. Sarcasm aside, it just never was a satisfactory answer to me. They also did not believe in an eternal torment, either, which is just dandy by me, because that just seems to be a scare tactic instituted by the early church to keep adherents, imo.
What I found flawed, however was the fact that if you were a rotten piece of shit (I'm talking to you, Clifford Olson & Jeffrey Dhamer) that died before this "great tribulation" or armageddon took place, you actually had a shot at being resurrected. The reasoning was that they didn't get a chance to turn their lives around before they died & before armageddon.
Of course! Makes perfect sense! Right?!

ok, I am rambling again. I am starting to believe that we can creat our own bit of torment when we pass on based on what we do in the here & now. I'm betting motherfuckers like Clifford Olson aren't "resting in peace" so to speak.

Now about my grandmother. She certainly was no evil person like the above mentioned, but she certainly was cruel & abusive to me when I was growing up. She created this facade that she was this wonderful, strong woman who was kind to her children & grandchildren, but underneath, she was a phony & she had a particular "hate-on" for her only granddaughter. I won't go into the gritty details, but I will say, that when she passed, I felt total indifference & then felt pissed off because there was no closure. The only reason I attended her memorial service was solely for my mother. When people gave me their condolences, let me tell you, the words were falling on deaf ears.

What I did learn, judging from what my mother told me, was that she passed out of this world with a lot of shame & guilt on her plate. Shortly after that, I started having these very vivid dreams where I wound up in her home, particularly in her part of the house. In real life, her home was a 3 level house with separate suites. She lived on the main floor & at the front of the house, she had a room where my older brother lived after his car accident that resulted in his brain injury. My younger brother, mum & myself lived on the top floor until we moved when I was 15. Anytime I entered this house via dream, it was in a constant state of dilapidation & decay. If I entered through the top floor, it was usually abandoned. Most of the time I would enter on her floor & would initially start off in my brother's room. For some reason, my brother would often come up as a theme in many of these visitation dreams & she usually left something for him. One instance, his room was filled with fish tanks that looked rickety on the outside but inside were many colorful fish & these seemed to be the only source of light in the room. Most often I would find myself in her kitchen & the back door would be open. She always seemed to be leaving food out for my brother, but it was always on the verge of going bad or spoiling, which seemed to be the case with everything in the house. Even outside was a dull grayness that filled the sky & seemed drab. I never saw her directly, but could feel her nearby. For some reason, there seemed to be a sense of shame that I was picking up. Also, for whatever reason, my brother seems to be a theme & I am not sure entirely why, but my brother is ill & he does not have a whole lot of time on his clock, so to speak, & am thinking this may be part of the reason.

I have probably had these experiences, since she passed, at least 3 or 4 times. The last time it happened, back in January this year, I was a little startled. Making coffee that morning I almost dropped the bag of coffee beans because it suddenly dawned on me that I had been visiting my grandmother's state after death.
I think she was fully expecting to wake up in this "paradise earth" she so earnestly believed in & this is not what happened. She spent her life running & dodging her problems & not fixing the ones she created & it caught up with her. As angry as I was with her, I felt tremendously sad that this is where she seemed to be. When I finally realized that I was visiting her self-created realm, I ended up having another dream about a day or two later, this one very different.
I was walking down a road & I noticed off to the side a little scraggly & confused black bird. I stopped to see if it was perhaps injured, & when I did, it unexpectedly ran up to me & attacked my shins. I was startled & rather than feel pain from a sharp little beak, it felt like, perhaps psychic little shocks or almost a mental struggle. It is hard to put into words how it felt. What I did was reach down & grab it. I gently held it's little head between my thumb & forefinger & told it not to do that. Looking in it's eyes, I knew who it was. What I then tried to do is release it, but everytime I made the motion to do so, it clung to me like velcro & it seemed in panic/attack mode. I did this a few times until finaly on the last attempt, it released & disappeared. I am not entirely sure what happened, but I do feel that this dream was a very big part of my closure with her & probably within a couple of weeks, I intuitively picked up that she is on a long, ardurous road up, & out of her loop. At the very least I hope she is.

This may seem rather bogus to some & that is totally fine, but I do know undoubtedly, I feel this was a profound eye opener for me & I am certain this was not just a dream or dreams.

Alright. Coffee seems to have worn off & I should make my way to bed. I really, really want to tell you guys about my solo camping trip coming up in April. I've rented a rustic cabin up in the Fraser Canyon & it's part of my little self-refective journey. I'll probably go into that one tomorrow. That & the unusual cycles I find myself in as of late.
I see a few folks have chimed in, too. Glad to be on this mortal coil with you all...

[Nordic]

Well that's intense. Have you been to that house since she died? I'm wondering if she's still connected to the house.

[Peregrine]

I think a lot of good comes from centering yourself with Memento Mori. I used to use that as a mantra but of course, it lost it's power gradually, one reason I turned to Ganapatya mantras -- same reason I love Ali Farka Toure: no idea what they're saying. I can do the syllables fine but there's no mere meaning interrupting my entrainment. Yet as meaning goes, facing up to death has some serious gravity.

As subjective experimental data, I have noticed that I am at my most calm and moral when in regular contemplation of mortality.

It is something that I find I am still not completely comfortable with thinking about, but I do find that when I do, there does seem to be a sence of peace, in a way. I just hope it comes at a time when I am a little old lady in her rocking chair & not next week & I'm thinking, "holy fuck that's a Mac truck barreling down on m....!"

[Peregrine]

Well that's intense. Have you been to that house since she died? I'm wondering if she's still connected to the house.

Nordic, I am quite certain she still has a bit of a connection to that house, although she did sell it before she got sick with cancer. I sometimes wander past that house to see what it's like, the fellow who bought it was a nice Italian man who's family lived in the area & that we'd known since we were kids. I do believe she had re-created her afterlife environment to mimic her old life & it seemed she was clinging desperately to it. I am glad the closure came finally.

A funny side story, there is a yearly event around Halloween put on by an organization called Public Dreams & it's called Parade of Lost Souls. This past Halloween I went with Annie Aronburg, who happened to be down in Vancouver with her fella, & the march wound through my old neigborhood & right past the old house. 2011 theme was "What's the Skeleton In Your Closet?"
I never noticed, but I just watched the video for last years event & you can see the old house in the background at the 38 second mark.

[Twyla LaSarc]

Interesting, the house part of your dream is really intense.

I've been having similar if not identical thoughts lately about mortality and after 40-odd years of never dreaming of people I've known in life, I'm suddenly constantly dreaming of the dead and even those from my past I certainly hope aren't dead. I'm also seeing more obviously symbolic material in dreams as well as life in the forms of synchronicity, etc.

I'm feeling dissolution and detachment to majority consensus reality and all the assumptions, labels and associations I used as a structure by which to define it and live within it- and even oppose it and live without.


I want it to all be a game where we all learn our lessons and evolve, but when actual incarnate beings are made to suffer* in real time it makes me doubt the benignity of the process.

*talking torture slaughterhouse war genocide kind of suffering, not emo personal pity

[Twyla LaSarc]

Peregrine:
I was walking down a road & I noticed off to the side a little scraggly & confused black bird. I stopped to see if it was perhaps injured, & when I did, it unexpectedly ran up to me & attacked my shins. I was startled & rather than feel pain from a sharp little beak, it felt like, perhaps psychic little shocks or almost a mental struggle. It is hard to put into words how it felt. What I did was reach down & grab it. I gently held it's little head between my thumb & forefinger & told it not to do that. Looking in it's eyes, I knew who it was.

The grandmother who was an abusive bitch to my mother always bragged about how she would come back as a white seagull. As kids my cousins and I used to joke about how she would come back to poop on us. I never thought about it occuring in the dream sense. I'll have to keep an eye out...

Hope she is free, or at least your mind is free of her clutter.

[Elvis]

I want it to all be a game where we all learn our lessons and evolve, but when actual incarnate beings are made to suffer* in real time it makes me doubt the benignity of the process.

*talking torture slaughterhouse war genocide kind of suffering, not emo personal pity

That's the part I can't quite wrap my head around. The rest I can rationalize/intellectualize, the suffering only to a degree. It's vexing.

[Peregrine]

I want it to all be a game where we all learn our lessons and evolve, but when actual incarnate beings are made to suffer* in real time it makes me doubt the benignity of the process.

*talking torture slaughterhouse war genocide kind of suffering, not emo personal pity

That's the part I can't quite wrap my head around. The rest I can rationalize/intellectualize, the suffering only to a degree. It's vexing.

This I think is probably the biggest hurddle for me, as well. I honestly do feel rather in the dark about that particular part of the process & not so sure about how benign the experience is. At least on this side of the fence. My religious upbringing certainly did not have any good answers for it.