MC and delusions (loads of TRIGGERS)

[LilyPatToo]

What Free says is true, Delta Dawn--the first steps are the hardest. And among the few who are willing to even begin, many (most?) falter and slip back into denial. You are to be commended for making a beginning while immersed in a society where so much disinfo has been spread over the subject matter.

Re: gang-stalking/street theater as a possible result of earlier mind control program experiences: I've not had much "street theater" myself, but one of the incidents involved a young man I clearly remember from the MILABs. In fact, his is the only face I've so far been able to see perfectly clearly from those experiences. We were kept drugged and I think also programmed never to look at or above chest (name-badge) height on any of the perps.

But that one young man was very arrogant and impulsive--totally unlike the other doctors and technicians. He acted like a movie star, sweeping into small examination rooms and bending over and looking me right in the face. He also attempted to charm me, which again was NOT SOP at all. The result was that I looked for him everywhere I went in public for a decade afterward, confident that I could recognize him instantly.

Years later, I was walking down our little main street when I saw him approaching from about half a block away. There were throngs of Xmas shoppers, but he looked directly into my eyes for close to a minute as we drew closer to each other. Then he confronted me, blocking my way, and (bizarrely) sang one line of a Xmas carol to me in a beautiful tenor voice Then his face changed and he cursed me loudly, attracting the attention of passers-by.

At that point, I panicked, dissociated and have no idea what happened next. I came to in a nearby store and immediately checked the time to see how long I'd been "absent." Lucky for me, it seems to have only been for a few seconds. He was exceptionally well-dressed--expensive leather jacket and jewelry--and clean and well-groomed. Not a street crazy, IOW.

My theory about this weird little incident is that it was a calculated attempt to re-traumatize me. If you've survived a trauma-based mind control program, then you're vulnerable to triggering by people who know your codes--this is what I assume the Xmas carol line was. If your codes are not known, then they seem to go for less specific triggers, like assault (often including rape) or menacing you on freeways.

So public re-traumatization seems to me to be the goal of gang-stalkers and actors in this kind of street theater. No idea if this is true of most of the gang-stalking community in general. Hope this helps.

LilyPat

[Cordelia]

[Both you and DD mentioned not remembering childhood. This is very common in those of us who lived through extreme childhood abuse. I also had almost total amnesia of everyday events in my childhood. I was shocked when I found out that many people remember their elementary school teachers.

I began remembering incest and systematized abuse in 1988 and have been in therapy, 12 Step programs and using self healing methods and deprogramming on an ongoing basis since then. It's taken me this long to dismantle the programmed system that they had installed and assemble the puzzle pieces of my life beyond the amnesiac barriers.

I have almost no recall of my childhood and little of early teenage years.

When I was in my early 20’s, I felt my loss of memory was due to a lack of intelligence; amnesia due to trauma never occurred to me. I set myself a task to ‘prove’ that I had the capacity for recall by engaging my husband in testing me with questions about what I’d done, eaten, places I’d gone, etc..., over previous days and weeks and discovered that I have a very good memory. But, in trying to piece together my past, I zone out.

Something I have learned to do, in efforts to connect the dots and put together pieces of the puzzle, is to pay attention to family lore, because within the stories woven with lies are keys to the truth. And, to look very carefully at family photographs.

I don’t believe I’ve been used to the extremes of other survivors here (though I’m beginning to understand how I may have been used as an adult), and I’m deeply saddened and humbled by their experiences. I also don’t believe I’m DID, but I no longer close the door on any possibilities.

There’s much more, of course, but I remember how someone challenged me, when I tried to write about this on another site, by responding that I was embroidering people and events, to make sense of a tragedy. I try to be careful not to do that.

[lightningBugout]

Reading these accounts I am struck that, even if they were wholly factually inaccurate, it would be difficult to conclude they were the result of delusions rather than say, an "overactive" imagination and the problems of consciousness wrt memory. Not that I think either is the case. But one mistakenly attributing meaning to the events of their past seems very qualitatively different than someone who is thought-disordered projecting that onto their immediate surroundings. Such as the paranoid schizophrenic from the sidebar of the article that LPT linked to who attacks his co-workers because he believes they are conspiring against him.

In the past few months I had a sudden malfunction of a motor vehicle that locked the throttle and nearly sent me through a red light at a crowded intersection during rush hour. I would've been toast.

In another incident, my car was almost run off the road very blatantly by some people in a red sports car with NY plates. Afterwards they decelerated in front of me so I almost crashed into them.

Thousands of thoughts went through my head, including the feeling that someone was trying to kill me. But in the end it didn't stick. Why would it have? My point being, I had no problem distinguishing that these were almost certainly random events.

On the flipside I had a different event occur last year that I still wonder about in which it certainly felt, both immediately and on reflection, that someone was trying to threaten me into not speaking about anything related to what I believe happened to me as a child. Yet it's worth pointing out, what is maddening is the complete ambiguity. It is absolutely possible and, despite my strong feeling about it, I will never know.

And the last thing in the world I would do is jump to that conclusion and believe it despite all the contra-indicative evidence.

I am reminded of what a practicing shaman said to me earlier this year -- in every society there are mystics (substitute "people who have or have had non-ordinary experiences") and there are also people with severe mental illness - you can usually tell the difference quite easily.

IOW intuition goes a long way.

[DeltaDawn]

1st thing sorry, feeling a little loose tongued tonight! Thank you Free for sharing where you are, therefore, making me feel more comfortable for coming onto a site and not just sharing, but still feeling 'afraid' to "tell".

LP2 everything you share so 'sounds off bells' and you have so validated things I've always thought were connected.

With the welcomes, offers of safety, and hints of how Not to be intimated (Thank you so much, it's made me much less 'afraid')....I'm going to share my fear of therapists........I so wish I could find a Valerie Wolfe but my many experiences (except for one...in a minute) have been disasters. In the Military, they told me I had an anti-social behavior, which at the time meant I didn't do well in crowds....np I knew I didn't trust people and when there were too many around, got a little paranoid. Welllll, a few years later anti-social was a synonomyn for sociopathic behavior, which was later connected to psychopathy......of course, instant paranoia....so I was 'labeled' the same as I believed my abusers in reality were???? A few years later a non military shrink told me I had severe PTSD but wasn't sure whether it was from childhood or military, maybe hypnosis would be an answer, my immediate reaction was, why hell noooo, if they can make you cluck like a chicken, what damage might they do to what is already implanted in my mind? The next batch of 'Dr's' thought I needed anti-depressants, in a matter of 5 years I must have taken every one known, but they only severely depressed me or played havoc with my mind. The last shrink was a V.A, young, obviously resided, who confirmed a lot in my life. After a series of extensive medical testing and an unreal questionnaire; I walked into his office, sat down and he looked at me and said, "Look you have a file within a file that I don't want anything to do with, and you seem to (looking at my questionnaire) know what the hell is going on, so I'm suggesting that you don't need me!"..????

Now the reason I was there was a serious medical condition but I must go back to my paranoid mindset and say that my 'conspiracy side' says: I think there is a correlation to medical problems such as fibromyalgia, mitro valve prolapse, COPD, chronic fatigue syndrome (maybe others) and victims of MKUltra. Research and personal knowledge of others and myself, might suggest that many victims suffer from one or more of these, could it be one more way they control/manipulate us to 'remember to forget', just a thought.

Cordelia, you mention the relation of journalists, which I so appreciate because that ties into my childhood and beliefs? After all, the journalists can not/or write about the politicians, which there were a lot of in my childhood. Journalists can choose what to write about, who would tell about a politician if they had an 'interest' not to???

LBO, your story is a little disturbing in the fact that I've had not only car problems that nearly killed me, either financially or physically, but have been through a year of rural living with every outside equipment being broke down or needing major financial repair. Btw, husband hasn't had steady job in 18 mos and I normally work only 2 days a week. What a way to break someone's spirits huh???

LP2, thank you for validating so many questions I have about gang stalking and 'triggers'. Only a couple of more notes while I feel 'safe' and I'll hush for awhile. Because I'm such a loner, I tend to rent in remote areas where the few neighbors have been known to comment, "It's so odd how many military aircraft fly so low lately, have you noticed?"...not really, they are always around me. I frequent yard sales and many times there is a rush to look at the particular table I'm at (I'm a lil claustrobic). I've actually heard one of these 'mobbers' singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", which 'sets' me off. I've always known things are NOT better somewhere over the rainbow, there is no such place, it's an empty promise.......And I'm sorry I've triggered myself...but thank you for the support here, I'll be back.

[Evutch]

i tended to favor inner cities, or trailer courts, because the neighbors where nebby, and would report stuff sometimes. of strange people going in my place while i was gone.
an ounce of pot as a gift to a city or rural 'friend" does wonders to the grape vine.
were as in the suburbs, if the suited guys go next door, those neighbors will not only not tell me, but give info of the best times to come.
inner city types don't like the "man"..
and trailer trash, suspect anything that looks official. or most.
however family can be extremely stupid.

well, i've been reading, and younz all scare me.
i've heard such, and seen such..
but i still get to the point delta, where i have to 'hide' too.
the only thing is, NOW i'm in one of those suburbs.
and my roomie's an idiot.
he's ALREADY let suits in, and it took a cop friend of mine to yell at him for being SO stupid.

and lightningbug, ever notice how hard it is to sneak something by a crazy person?
and how easy it is to distract a "normal" type?

burn me once...etc. etc.

it's all about using the newfound altered perception.
and if having such means being "crazy", i'll stay crazy.
a little crazy keeps one alive.
while the happy dociles get herded to the slaughter pens.

but i gotta tell you..
all your stories are SUCH a fright.
when i dwell on them, and think too much..
it's nuts.
jeez.

[Maddy]

[Both you and DD mentioned not remembering childhood. This is very common in those of us who lived through extreme childhood abuse. I also had almost total amnesia of everyday events in my childhood. I was shocked when I found out that many people remember their elementary school teachers.

I began remembering incest and systematized abuse in 1988 and have been in therapy, 12 Step programs and using self healing methods and deprogramming on an ongoing basis since then. It's taken me this long to dismantle the programmed system that they had installed and assemble the puzzle pieces of my life beyond the amnesiac barriers.

I have almost no recall of my childhood and little of early teenage years. But there are disturbing memories involving adults and other children who I thought of as ‘zombies’ because of their vacant stares (and later realized were probably drugged.) Most of my life, I’ve been afraid to confront people about even minor conflicts; before I had children, I was convinced I’d be tried and imprisoned, after I had children, I was convinced they’d be harmed.

I have virtually no recall of my childhood as well (up until my mid-30s), including teachers, and many etc. incidents that people around me, including my parents, recall/ed. I, too, do remember distinctly, at approximately the age of 7-9, telling myself the only thing I'd ever be good for was "having babies" and I'd probably never be good at that, because "they'd" (whoever "they" were) would probably just take them away from me.

What you wrote just set off that last memory for me, I hadn't recalled that in I don't know how long. I wonder why a child would have the thoughts that I had as a child, sometimes.

I had a crapload of misdiagnosis and a crapload of medications tried that didn't work, and forget hypnotherapy, that's completely out.

My therapist told me, recently, its very, very normal for DID/MPD to not recall things, when I get on myself about it. I get on myself about it all of the time. She said to not get on myself about it because that's what the diagnosis is all about. That's what the protective mechanism is.

So don't get on yourselves about it, either. Okay?

There, y'all got me to say something. I'm going back to my box now.

[lightningBugout]

LBO, your story is a little disturbing in the fact that I've had not only car problems that nearly killed me, either financially or physically, but have been through a year of rural living with every outside equipment being broke down or needing major financial repair.

DD, but just to be clear - I was trying to make the point that, while I sometimes have a feeling of child-like fear when something like that happens, I immediately concluded that both instances were pretty much just run-of-the-mill bad luck.

I've only had one experience in the past year that I am still holding judgment on, wrt whether or not it was in some way connected to what I believe to be my past. The event itself was incredibly suggestive. But the way in which I found myself in the position was quite circuitous -- while it felt very meaningful, it would have been very difficult for someone nefarious to coordinate. It was probably also bad luck, but a small part of me is holding out judgment.

Glad you posted though.

[Free]

Maddy wrote:

...I had a crapload of misdiagnosis and a crapload of medications tried that didn't work, and forget hypnotherapy, that's completely out.

My therapist told me, recently, its very, very normal for DID/MPD to not recall things, when I get on myself about it. I get on myself about it all of the time. She said to not get on myself about it because that's what the diagnosis is all about. That's what the protective mechanism is...

DeltaDawn wrote:

I'm going to share my fear of therapists........I so wish I could find a Valerie Wolfe but my many experiences (except for one...in a minute) have been disasters. In the Military, they told me I had an anti-social behavior, which at the time meant I didn't do well in crowds....np I knew I didn't trust people and when there were too many around, got a little paranoid. Welllll, a few years later anti-social was a synonomyn for sociopathic behavior, which was later connected to psychopathy......of course, instant paranoia....so I was 'labeled' the same as I believed my abusers in reality were???? A few years later a non military shrink told me I had severe PTSD but wasn't sure whether it was from childhood or military, maybe hypnosis would be an answer, my immediate reaction was, why hell noooo, if they can make you cluck like a chicken, what damage might they do to what is already implanted in my mind? The next batch of 'Dr's' thought I needed anti-depressants, in a matter of 5 years I must have taken every one known, but they only severely depressed me or played havoc with my mind. The last shrink was a V.A, young, obviously resided, who confirmed a lot in my life. After a series of extensive medical testing and an unreal questionnaire; I walked into his office, sat down and he looked at me and said, "Look you have a file within a file that I don't want anything to do with, and you seem to (looking at my questionnaire) know what the hell is going on, so I'm suggesting that you don't need me!"..????

* Important caveat: The following are my personal opinions. Everyone is different and the paths to healing are many. So please, take what you like and leave the rest.

Re: Therapy and therapists

I agree. it sucks that there are so many incompetent (and worse) therapists around. Finding a good one isn't an easy thing, but I do think that there are some bright spots compared to the recent past.

They may be few and far between, but there ARE therapists who understand how to help you dismantle the programming. To find one near you (just some ideas) I would contact leaders in the field (check out the book "Ritual Abuse in the 21st Century") and ask for referrals.

If there are no therapists of this caliber in your location, you could try to find a therapist who is a brave, good person, who wants to help you and is willing to do work to learn and get additional training about MC issues and programming from therapists in other locations.

There are other possibilities, like going to an in-house treatment program, but since I've never done that, I can't really say anything meaningful about it.

In the meantime, do everything you can to create more stability in your life. The more chaotic and unsafe your present day life is, the harder it is to deal with past trauma.

Very important point: If you've determined or strongly suspect that family members or others were mc perps- get away and stay away from them.I know it can be hard. As humans we are biologically programmed to bond with family members, but if you can't do this, it will probably be your undoing. There are lots of good and loving people out there, but if your family did this to you, they don't fall into that category.

You should also look very carefully at any relations that are deep and supportive like family is supposed to be, in order to avoid exchanging one toxic user for another - carefully monitor relations with lovers, therapists, close friends, etc.

Self-healing

When I first started healing from this, I felt like I would have needed 2-3 hours of therapy every day, which of course was unrealistic. Instead, I learned and utilized many self-healing methods. I'll do another post about this, but some that I use are: qigong, EFT, TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercise) and 12 step programs which are free and provide an amazing support network. Also, I strongly believe that gradually weaning oneself off of the multiple addictions that most of us have adopted to cope with the pain is key.

Medications

I know that some people need to take medications and have been helped by them, but I've always avoided them and taken the natural route. The way I see it is that I have enough problems without adding addiction to pharmaceutical drugs to the list. Besides, drugs and alcohol burn up qi (life force or vitality) and I need my qi to deal with this very challenging problem. When memories are surfacing and I'm in pain, the only thing I've taken has been kava kava extract which relaxes me and helps me get through it.

Dirty Therapists

I think that avoiding paranoia is valuable, but I want to say something about dirty therapists because, unfortunately, they are out there. I have a survivor friend who is very committed to her recovery and healing and who I have a lot of respect for, who spent over ten years of her life being handled by her therapist. She would go to therapy in the day, when her workaholic husband was at work and end up spending many hours in another alter state, helping her therapist run a cult-related business.

She would probably tell you (and I asked her permission before writing this) not be blinded or bowled over by degrees, high fees or supposed "expertise" in trauma or ra recovery. Be alert for any signs of manipulation or attempts to trigger programming. When she first went to him she knew zero about programming, if she had known about it there were some super-obvious red flags. (He has a penchant for the Wizard of Oz and even had an Oz poster in his waiting room!)

Anyway, one thing you can do is to look for info on well-known therapists out on sites like this. If there is some sort of consensus that he/she may be dirty, (like with C. Ross) or lots of controversy - stay away.

[LilyPatToo]

At least I'm not alone And I agree, lightningBugout, that the stories here don't have that schizophrenic, unreliable narrator kind of feel to them at all. Though, if I'd never listened closely to a paranoid schizophrenic's rants, I can see how the conspiracy elements might give a false impression of that. But I've known some unfortunate people who were delusional and the accounts above lack the typical monomaniacal focus that's present in their tales. It's all they can talk about and they'll tell literally anyone who will listen. At great length.

Forgot yesterday to mention that the exact same abusive phrase that the dark-curly-haired guy shouted into my face was used again, several years later and a couple of miles from that spot, by a very disturbed young man. And again this younger guy was specifically looking for me--he made eye contact from quite a distance away and ignored all the cute young joggers thronging the path around Lake Merritt on a sunny fall afternoon.

That puzzled, then alarmed me. I stepped off the path into the grass as he headed straight for me, hoping I was mistaken. But, just as in the previous encounter, this kid stepped right in front of me, blocking my way. And this time there was no Xmas carol rendition--he just shouted the precise same angry phrase at me, word for word. Then, with an enraged, frightened look on his face, he drew back his fist and swung at me as hard as he could.

This time, instead of dissociating completely, I was briefly co-conscious with an alter who moved faster than I ever could have and evaded that roundhouse swing. I remember feeling the air displaced by his fist blow against my lips, so he only missed by maybe half an inch at most. Then the co-consciousness was gone and I watched him whirl around and sprint toward downtown Oakland, right across a wide, busy, multi-lane street.

A kind jogger asked me if I was all right and I said that I was, then I sat down on a nearby park bench to try to calm myself down. My impression was that this was not an employee of the program--it was another victim. In the past, I'd run into fellow slaves acting as handlers, and I'd read of other survivors being targeted by them too. That kid may have been alter-switched for the entire encounter and have no memory of it at all.

Also, looming in the background was the building where I'd come to in the lobby in January of 2004 (before I knew anything about mind control programs). I'd been walking around the Lake and between one step and the next I found myself inside a lobby full of people in business dress. I can still recall vividly how embarrassed I felt in my sweats and sneakers It wasn't until recently that a friend told me that an intelligence agency--the FBI--has the entire 13th floor of that building.

If you hang out at the wavie and/or gang-stalking boards, the stories of street theater that you'll hear will sound very different from what you read here. If I still had links to any of them, I'd pass them on, but it shouldn't be difficult to find one. They were just about the only mind control boards back in August of 2004 when I began my own online searches for other people like myself.

LilyPat

[lightningBugout]

DD, given that you seem to only have a strong suspicion, I would perhaps proceed very carefully and not assume anything about your own history based on the experiences of others. That is to say, you know yourself better than anyone and, before you adopt a common language and set of meanings about what may well have happened to you, try to get clear enough in yourself that your own process is not polluted by the expectation that there is some sort of typical experience for all people who have been exposed to MC. That outcome is one of the more dangerous risks for someone in your position, IMO because it stands to confuse things a great deal if/when you get to processing your own experiences. You will have the chance down the road to sort out how your experiences are both similar and different than others and establish solidarity.

[Free]

LightningBugOut wrote:

DD, given that you seem to only have a strong suspicion, I would perhaps proceed very carefully and not assume anything about your own history based on the experiences of others. That is to say, you know yourself better than anyone and, before you adopt a common language and set of meanings about what may well have happened to you, try to get clear enough in yourself that your own process is not polluted by the expectation that there is some sort of typical experience for all people who have been exposed to MC.

Good point LBO. I think this goes for everyone. We only know each other from a few posts on a screen. I don't really know if you DD or Evuch or Maddy identify as survivors. I'm just relating things in hopes that someone can glean something of use from it. And inside these damn programs, people have different roles, different locations and many different experiences and there are different groups and time periods.... there's nothing cookie-cutter about it.

LiliPatToo wrote:

Also, looming in the background was the building where I'd come to in the lobby in January of 2004 (before I knew anything about mind control programs). I'd been walking around the Lake and between one step and the next I found myself inside a lobby full of people in business dress. I can still recall vividly how embarrassed I felt in my sweats and sneakers It wasn't until recently that a friend told me that an intelligence agency--the FBI--has the entire 13th floor of that building.

Lilipat, what your experience at the lake and DD's experience with the pushy people singing "Somewhere over the rainbow" made me think about, regarding the OP is this- these are obviously not random "they're after me" persecution stories- if they are people you recognize from "sessions" or they come close with cue phrases and the like it sounds like they are trying to access you or scare you into submitting to them in the future.

This kind of thing hasn't happened to me, but every time I've had to have contact with cult people from my past, if I give them my email, they start sending me emails with triggering images. I've showed the emails to people that know more than me about the way the cult operates (reality testing) and they have confirmed it.

Of course I didn't respond, and in one case, I closed out the email account. What I think they were doing was testing the water. Let's say that instead of not responding, I called them and laughed it off, they might go to the next level of trying to access me.

If you keep realizing what they are trying to do, and keep shutting the door in their face, eventually they will give up. Their objective is to get you back on board and participating in some way but if you don't co-operate, what can they do?

They program us to believe that we'll be hurt or killed, but that's mostly empty threats. In the movies people shoot and kill others easily, but in real life, a simple domestic violence arrest is a huge deal with police involvement and a big spotlight shone on the perp, much less a murder investigation.

It's all about recognizing triggers and cues and BOUNDARIES.

[DeltaDawn]

Yes LBO, you have very good advise about no experience being the same, that fact has made me question in research, because it seems to me?? it depends on what 'alter' is your
main training????

Free kind of nailed it in different 'roles', therefore different experiences. In the gang stalking...and have such empathy for Free, I recognize no one but have become smart enough to know they are 'triggering'!!!!

I've had the 'odd' experience of the changing of 'handlers' and known why they changed. So this makes me even more paranoid and interested in others stories!!! If it all goes back to what I originally thought, then it validates what I believe to be true?? Do I make sense to anyone but myself???

I have managed to delete the past perpertrators from life, only to find, there seems to be an endless number of new ones. My goal here is to as has been said...to recognize all the triggers and try to establish some....quote....boundaries with them!!

Knowledge is freedom??????

[LilyPatToo]

DeltaDawn said:

I've had the 'odd' experience of the changing of 'handlers' and known why they changed. So this makes me even more paranoid and interested in others stories!!! If it all goes back to what I originally thought, then it validates what I believe to be true?? Do I make sense to anyone but myself???

Definitely you make sense within this context. My initial information about mind control programs came from a brilliant but very damaged survivor who found me at an alien abduction site. Not everything she told me turned out to be verifiable or pertinent to my case, but she gave me enough detailed information to enable me to discern the larger patterns in my life history. Then I could investigate them, do reality testing on the incidents that made up the patterns and decide whether they indicated program interference or were random bad luck.

One series of incidents that finally convinced me that she was right and I had grown up in a program was one of those "exchanges of handlers" that you mentioned. I was followed around a department store one evening by a stranger who kept accosting me, making eye contact and clearly speaking random-sounding words three times. Every time I turned my back on him, I'd feel something hit the back of the leather coat I was wearing. Finally I managed to turn around quickly enough to see him holding a squirt gun that looked exactly like a real handgun and grinning widely at me.

Assuming he was mentally ill (despite the fact that he was very well-groomed) and feeling sorry for him, I decided not to report him to store security. Big mistake. He grabbed me from behind in a deserted department of the store and lifted me a foot off the ground. One big hand was over my mouth and both my arms were pinned to my sides.

Then an alter switch occurred, though I had no idea what it was back then. Time abruptly seemed to slow way down and I was standing on a vast frigid plain. Terror was replaced by pleased anticipation as someone else assessed the situation, identified a weak point and, with a great deal of satisfaction, caught hold of the little finger of the hand covering my mouth. She got a firm grip on it and then, with unholy glee, pulled it backward until the bone snapped with a loud crack.

The would-be rapist screamed and threw me onto a store display at least 8 feet away, then dashed through a door marked "Employees Only." Still co-conscious with what I now know is a rage alter with self-defense skills, I remember thinking very clearly that this had been a carefully planned assault rather than an opportunistic one. Then the scary alter was gone.

Not long afterward, the first handler I've identified suddenly showed up at my door. I hadn't laid eyes on him since he sold me to a wealthy business associate years before. I'd been sold twice since then, in fact. He had 2 very strange men with him--they were wearing expensive suits and had the same glossy grooming that he did--but they were extremely deferential to him and neither one spoke a single word during the time that they were inside my apartment. They just sat on my sofa and grinned the exact same wide, feral smile at me. I felt as if I had a small, deadly pack of ravenous wolves sitting in my living room, sizing me up as a snack.

Prior to that day, Handler #1 had been unfailingly gracious and charming to me, but this was an entirely different man. He was coldly furious and first cornered me in the kitchen and spoke a word 3 times right into my face, Then when I fought him off and ran from him, he literally tackled me and tried to rape me. The entire time, the 2 strangers sat grinning avidly and I dimly realized that this was why they were here--to observe him and learn. They were acolytes of some kind. I managed to knee him in a sensitive place and he hit me hard across the face, got up and kicked and cursed me. Then he motioned to the 2 men and they left with him--still grinning at me

The survivor who found me 25 years later finally gave me a logical explanation for these 2 bizarre (and obviously linked) rape attempts--Handler #1 had had second thoughts about the sale and decided to try to reacquire me. First, he gave my old codes to the stranger who kept trying them out on me in that department store. When they failed (codes are always changed when a slave is sold, she told me), the man had been instructed to rape and thus retraumatize me into a helpless child state for reprogramming.

When that failed, Handler #1 (who she believed was Cult), brought 2 men he was training to observe and learn as he stole me back from my current owner. Back in the late 70's, of course, I'd never heard of cults or mind controlled slaves and I'd struggled for a quarter of a century to make sense of the incidents. I was deeply disturbed by my own complete inability to report either assault to the local police, too, even though I was actually dating an officer at the time. Nothing about it made sense until I found out about this disturbing kind of human trafficking and about codes and triggers.

That survivor taught me to practice seeing my life "from above" in order to discern patterns that are suggestive of known program interference. But to do that, I needed to learn to recognize them. If I describe the incidents to people with no awareness of slave-handling protocols, they invariably try to reassure me that it was just "bad luck" and "coincidence" that both would-be rapists were "crazy" and that was why they kept speaking nonsense words 3 times at me...

It takes a helluva lot of information to figure this stuff out. And you can't expect 99.999% of people to have that knowledge.

LilyPat

[Cordelia]

The would-be rapist screamed and threw me onto a store display at least 8 feet away, then dashed through a door marked "Employees Only." Still co-conscious with what I now know is a rage alter with self-defense skills, I remember thinking very clearly that this had been a carefully planned assault rather than an opportunistic one. Then the scary alter was gone.LilyPat

I haven’t experienced gang stalking like you, Delta or the kinds of experiences of Free, LiliPat and others, but what you’ve written, LP, puts into another perspective, something that happened to me years ago, and, though I’ve thought it was a random attack by a would-be rapist, my response to the attack has always perplexed me, because it didn’t fit my personality.

In 1978 I’d left a long time job and just been hired by a company that sponsored leaders and authors in the ‘New Age’ and 'Human Potential Movement' (among others, we sponsored Richard Bandler and brought Neurolinguistic Programming to Washington, D.C. and other cities along the East Coast. My previous job, along with this and future jobs, follow what I believe is a possible link to MC, but that’s another story).

My sister-in-law, who was a sociology professor, couldn’t believe my luck in landing a job with this organization, but I was deeply, deeply depressed; I didn’t want the job and felt frightened, but also pressured by the director and compelled to take it. One evening, soon after I started, I was walking home, lost in thought and completely unaware of my surroundings. I passed a wooded area, and something made me glance down to see the shadow of an arm about to grab me from behind and without thinking, I slammed him in the solar plexus with my elbow, and then launched an attack on him, yelling to stay the fuck away from me. He was heavy set, though not very tall, and started to run, but I chased him, shouting “How do you like it?” Then I ran home and hid in the bushes and waited until I saw a man walking down the street and I jumped out, thinking it was him. But it was my husband coming home from work (I walked and he took the subway). He was shocked by my actions, but I wasn’t; in fact, I was disappointed that it wasn’t my attacker, because I wanted to fight. I always wondered at how quickly I switched into someone so confident and full of rage. I knew how to defend myself in an ambush and I wasn’t afraid. (And, to be honest, sometimes I think I really wanted someone to have a go at me and give me an opportunity to dip into that rage. That might sound terrible.)

After the experience I came out of the depression and committed to the job. Still, I don’t think the attacker was related to any kind of MC stalking, but ‘just’ a potential rapist. It never occurred to me to call the police.

But maybe it’s not uncommon, when attacked, to automatically switch into fight mode, in order to protect oneself. I’d be interested if others have had similar experiences; I've tried to sort this out, and what you wrote, LP, struck a chord.

[DeltaDawn]

In researching I read in several different places that some MC programs instilled different strengths or weaknesses into each 'alter'. I hate the word alter but for clarifying will continue to use it. In other words maybe one alter was compassionate, another might be a fighter, one might be fearful etc.

Before going on, will say I am no expert or Dr etc...this is only observation from my own personal battle to integrate my own alters.

LP2 & Cordelia, do you suppose the fighter/strong alter was triggered by utter fear and had no choice but to make an appearance? Cordelia, with the lingering of this fighter in you, could it be you are a peaceful creature and the fighter part of you just wanted to let you know, she was there?

Before I started trying to recover a lost childhood, I used to joke? saying I needed one of my other hats whenever a chore/job etc. came along. I think I was already aware that different parts of me were better at certain tasks. When finally discovering that these 'hats' were actually 'identities' I had a hard time coming around to myself after wearing 'a hat'. It was almost like the discovered would be lost again??? I just wonder Cordelia, if that wasn't what happened with you.

Must comment that even as I'm writing this, it sounds crazy to me. No wonder 'they' never worry about us telling, it sounds nuts even when you think you understand what's happening. Yup, 'they' were right, tell and people will think you're crazy and put you away. Hope some of this makes sense!!