DO’S AND DON’TS
So here you are in Paris. Your belongings have arrived, your
children are in school, you’ve most likely started to work at
a job with new colleagues—even your dog has made friends
in the park! What comes next? That’s clear: building your
life in Paris so you can enjoy what the city has to offer, with
a minimum of ‘culture shocks’ that will make you feel like
an alien from an unknown planet. Some cultural pitfalls
can be sidestepped, so here are some tips to give you some
confidence in starting your new life in Paris.
DO’S
Do be polite to people. The most important thing to
understand about the French is their reliance on manners
and formality (although harried people anywhere can
sometimes be rude). French codes of behaviour and
mannerly rituals are strictly adhered to, and they are
actually quite pleasant, once you get used to them.
Do greet people whenever you can. When you board a
bus, say “bonjour, monsieur/madame” to the driver, and
to a chauffeur in a taxi before you say where you want
to go. Say “au revoir et merci” when you get out of the
cab. (You can’t do this on the bus, because you must exit
from the rear doors.) Greet, too, your local merchants and
restaurateurs. Upon entering a small shop, say “bonjour,
madame” to the salesperson, even if you just want to look
around and aren’t ready to buy. If in a larger office or
store you need to get someone’s attention—a person who,
for whatever reason, has not looked up from behind the
desk or counter as you approached—manners will do the
trick. Say “Excusez-moi de vous déranger, monsieur, mais...”
(“Excuse me for bothering you, sir, but...”), and when the
person looks up, ask for what you need.
Do observe good manners with both strangers and friends.
If you are on a crowded bus or métro and an older person
boards, offer to give up your seat. (This also holds true for
pregnant women or those carrying small children.)
Do excuse yourself if you happen to bump into someone
while walking. “Pardon,” you might say, or “Pardon,
monsieur/madame.”
Do address women as “madame”. Women should note that
being called madame, even if you’re young or unmarried,
is not an insult. If you look to be over 30 years of age,
you’re called madame out of respect, so you should do the
same when speaking. If a woman is clearly quite young,
you may say mademoiselle.
Do shake hands. The French shake hands a lot—the
physical contact reinforces their feelings of amity and
respect. Shake the hands of acquaintances or colleagues
you meet on the street. At a restaurant you patronise
frequently, the owner may shake your hand to signal that
he knows you are a ‘regular’. (For the staff, however, a
smile and “bonjour, monsieur” will do. French waiters are
not chummy and do not introduce themselves by their
first name. Treat them with respect.)
Do greet your friends with a kiss—the French are great
kissers. Once you have made a French friend, you will no
doubt move from shaking hands to kissing. Generally this
involves a slight kiss on each cheek upon greeting and
later, upon saying goodbye.
Do respect people’s sense of domain. At the market, do not
pick out the fruit or vegetables yourself, unless there is a
sign that says libre service; wait instead for the merchant to
help you. In a shop, don’t let your kids run wild and touch
everything. At the office, always knock before entering
other people’s offices.
Do remember who you are. Even after living in Paris for
years and speaking what you think is fluent French, never
try to pass for a native. Don’t assume that just because
you speak French, the merchants are friendly to you and
you have close French friends, that you will be considered
French. This will never happen.
DON’TS
Don’t use people’s first names from the start. Using first
names is not automatic; if your colleagues want you to
call them by their first names, they will let you know. If
invited to dinner with friends, you will most likely be on a
first name basis with your hosts and the other guests, but
this does not apply to dinner at the home of your boss or
the more senior professional acquaintances.
Don’t move from using the vous form of address to the
familiar tu unless given the green light; even when you
are on a first name basis with your friends, it still is not an
automatic move. Wait until your friend indicates a desire to
tutoyer (use the tu form) or listen carefully to hear whether
there hasn’t been a subtle move toward this intimate term
of address.
Don’t ask personal questions. The French guard their
privacy and do not volunteer much personal information.
With acquaintances, don’t ask what they do for a living,
how they voted, or where they’ve bought the clothes
they’re wearing—even if you’d like to visit that shop
sometime. Let them make the first move.
Do dress appropriately for the occasion. Appearance
counts when you’re out and about. If you’re in a casual
situation, you should still dress neatly, and if you’re in a
situation that calls for you to dress up, do so. Although
young people wear jeans around town, older people don’t.
And if you look at those young people, they still look put
together, jeans or otherwise.
Don’t speak loudly. Be alert to how loudly you’re talking
on your mobile phone while on the bus, in a crowded
restaurant or in a museum. Don’t give a belly laugh or
guffaw (except while watching a funny film). Keep a
low profile.
Don’t show impatience, ever. Not everything always
goes your way, but it is ill-mannered to show impatience,
whether to strangers or friends. Even if there is no orderly
queue at a shop or stall at the market, generally the
merchant knows who’s next. If not, just wait until you are
called upon to give your order.
Don’t start any encounter with an ‘attitude’. Just because
French people—especially the older generation—don’t
smile, don’t assume they’re rude or even unfriendly. If a
salesperson in a store is busy with another customer, do
not interrupt, even just to ask directions to the department
you’re looking for; wait patiently until it is your turn.
Don’t insist on getting apologies from the French. The
French have developed a need to be right—or at least not
to be wrong—and if you can get by without upsetting this
‘rule’, everyone will be better off.
Don’t always be on time! Be punctual for professional
meetings and for dates with friends or colleagues in
restaurants. If for some unforeseen reason you are
delayed, call the person’s mobile phone, apologise and
say when you will arrive. But don’t ever (ever!) be early or
punctual for dinner at a French person’s home. If public
transportation has been particularly efficient and you
arrive early, find a café nearby, order a drink and wait
until 20–30 minutes after the time agreed upon.
Don’t talk about money. Money is one of those subjects
that is pretty much taboo with the French, at least on a
personal level. You can mention where you’ve seen items
on sale and you can complain about how expensive life is
in general, but don’t translate this into talking about your
personal situation with money, or anyone else’s.
Don’t get too graphic. Avoid details such as your own
health or that of your family, problems with your in-laws,
or even specific problems with the bank or tax bureau.
And don’t go into long personal anecdotes.
from CultureShock! Paris - A Survival Guide to Customs and Etiquette
