The "Humor" And Noteworthy "Quotes" Only

Moderators: Elvis, DrVolin, Jeff

The "Humor" And Noteworthy "Quotes" Only

Postby vigilant » Wed Nov 07, 2007 7:58 pm

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon ,
in Arizona ,and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon,
by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.
Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone ahalf-mile
when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed
a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you
shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$crazy!?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment on ..... we have lived happily every after."
Last edited by vigilant on Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

quotes

Postby vigilant » Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:13 pm

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”

Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949



* “I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943



* “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”

The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957



* “But what … is it good for?”

Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.



* “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”

Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977



* “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”

Western Union internal memo, 1876.



* “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”

David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.



* “The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”

A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.



* “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.



* “I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”

Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”



* “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”

Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.



* “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”

Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.



* “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”

Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.



* “If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”

Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.



* “So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”

Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.



* “Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”

1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.



* “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”

Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.



* “Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.



* “The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”

Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.



* “This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.”

Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.



* “Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”

Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.



* “Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”

Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.



* “Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”

Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.



* “Everything that can be invented has been invented.”

Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.



* “Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”

Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872



* “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.”

Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

walmart

Postby vigilant » Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:33 pm

This is someone I would hire in a second!

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what???

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:
...7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby Doodad » Wed Nov 07, 2007 9:40 pm

The object of modern science is to make all aspects of reality equally boring, so that no one will be tempted to think about them.

(from The Decline and Fall of Science)
Doodad
 

Postby mentalgongfu2 » Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:38 pm

"If anyone can draw on the power, where do we put the meter?"

What JP Morgan allegedly said to Nichola Tesla upon learning of his wireless energy transmission experiments at the Wardenclyffe laboratory.
"When I'm done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian government that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink Orange Drink!"
User avatar
mentalgongfu2
 
Posts: 1966
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2007 6:02 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby Stephen Morgan » Thu Nov 08, 2007 6:13 am

http://www.businessballs.com/insuranceclaims.htm

The English comedian Jasper Carrott has used funny insurance claims in his stand-up act for a long time, including some featured above. Here are three others, kindly suggested by Andrew Moignard.

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible. -- Lawrence of Arabia
User avatar
Stephen Morgan
 
Posts: 3736
Joined: Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:37 am
Location: England
Blog: View Blog (9)

Tele-vision?

Postby annie aronburg » Thu Nov 08, 2007 2:49 pm

"Television? The word is half Greek and half Latin. No good will come of it."

C.P.Scott, editor, Manchester Guardian.
"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
User avatar
annie aronburg
 
Posts: 1406
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2007 8:57 pm
Location: Smokanagan
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby sunny » Thu Nov 08, 2007 4:47 pm

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.

Dorothy Parker
Choose love
sunny
 
Posts: 5220
Joined: Mon May 16, 2005 10:18 pm
Location: Alabama
Blog: View Blog (1)

Postby ninakat » Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:33 pm

"God is a God of mercy. He's a God of grace and he uses obviously weather many times to influence the affairs of men and God is willing at all times to be merciful and all good gifts come from Him. And that's why we're praying He'll make it rain as soon as possible." -- Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue

Perdue signed a proclamation recognizing June 11 as a Day of Prayer for Georgia Agriculture.
User avatar
ninakat
 
Posts: 2904
Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2006 1:38 pm
Location: "Nothing he's got he really needs."
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby yablonsky » Fri Nov 09, 2007 1:12 am

yablonsky
 

n

Postby vigilant » Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:24 am

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on Earth should that mean that it is not real?"

~J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Albus Dumbledore
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

j

Postby vigilant » Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:29 am

Some even believe we are part of a secret cabal working against the best interests of the United States, characterizing my family and me as 'internationalists' and of conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global political and economic structure - one world, if you will. If that is the charge, I stand guilty, and I am proud of it."

From page 405 of Rockefeller's 2002 book Memoirs.
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby chillin » Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:33 pm

Car Dealership

Say... no... more... :wink:
chillin
 
Posts: 596
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:56 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

bush the linguist

Postby vigilant » Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:04 am

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink And slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton, and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"
The whole world is a stage...will somebody turn the lights on please?....I have to go bang my head against the wall for a while and assimilate....
vigilant
 
Posts: 2210
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:53 pm
Location: Back stage...
Blog: View Blog (0)

Postby jingofever » Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:44 am

ninakat wrote:Perdue signed a proclamation recognizing June 11 as a Day of Prayer for Georgia Agriculture.


A few years back the Detroit police did something similar to combat a rash of violent crime. Just saw this today: Motor City named nation's most dangerous. God really hates it when you annoy him with prayers.
User avatar
jingofever
 
Posts: 2814
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2005 6:24 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to General Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 38 guests