Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby mentalgongfu2 » Thu May 03, 2018 5:14 am

JackRiddler » Wed May 02, 2018 7:57 pm wrote:.

Great. Another all-time achievement in muddying the waters. Just when the Saudi suit advances.

That one is so dumb that somehow Bolton's not talking it up yet and Boss Tweet has yet to get his power thumbs in motion.

I'm surprised they have yet to retcon Russia as the true 9/11 perpetrator. It's coming, probably. Someone tell Louise Mensch, she'll do it. It's only been neglected so far because 9/11 has pretty much expired as a tool. Anyway, in the Russiagate Reality, the Facebook posts of the Bernie Sanders body-building coloring book was the new "Attack on America." Worse, even.

Seventeen years, man am I old.

.


Seventeen years. A lot of us are right there with you.
Seems that's about as long as it takes to go from "Never Forget" to "I wasn't even born yet."
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Pele'sDaughter » Thu May 03, 2018 7:52 am

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/fo ... 571398002/

EAST MONTPELIER, Vt. — Producers of pure maple syrup and honey aren't sweet on a plan to label their pure natural products as containing added sugars.

They say the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's upcoming requirement to update nutrition labels to tell consumers that pure maple syrup and honey contain added sugars is misleading, illogical and confusing and could hurt their industries.

"There are no added sugars. Maple is a pure product," said U.S. Rep. Peter Welch of Vermont, the country's leading maple producing state.

Others from Vermont's congressional delegation joined Welch at a press conference Tuesday. Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy and a representative from Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders' office were also there with some maple producers to discuss their plan to fight the FDA requirement.

Welch said that many consumers don't want added sugars, which makes them think of corn syrup or other un-natural elements.

"They want pure products," the Democrat said, "nothing more so than maple syrup."

Tom Morse, of Morse Farm Maple Sugarworks in Montpelier, notes that maple syrup comes right from trees and producers refine it to keep the quality high.

"It's 67 percent maple sugar and that's what it is, nothing more, nothing less," he said.

To address industry concerns, the FDA has suggested that producers could use a symbol after the added sugars daily value directing consumers to elsewhere on the label where they could say these sugars occur naturally.

FDA Commissioner Dr. Scott Gottlieb said he has made nutrition one of his top priorities, and the Nutrition Facts label hasn't been meaningfully updated in decades.

"We've made it our goal to increase consumer awareness of the quantity of added sugars in food products consistent with recent dietary guideline recommendations," he said in a statement released in March. "The new label also contains the new daily value for added sugars, so consumers can better understand how foods with added sugars can fit into a healthy dietary pattern."

Large manufacturers would have to comply by Jan. 1, 2020, and smaller manufacturers by Jan. 1, 2021, according to the FDA's proposal.

The label with the symbol is still confusing, producers say.

"It's clear that when applied broadly this is an example of well-intentioned federal regulation that is totally illogical when applied in this context," said Roger Brown of Slopestyle Maple in Richmond.

The American Honey Producers Association says it could lead to consumers wondering what's being added to pure honey, when nothing is. Both industries say they work hard to protect their pure products from adulteration.

"Honey is a pure sugar so there's no need for added sugars," said Chris Hiatt, the association's vice president. "So it's misleading the consumer."
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Pele'sDaughter » Thu May 03, 2018 11:08 am

http://time.com/5263690/swedish-meatbal ... y-turkish/

Image

Sweden has admitted that Swedish meatballs — the signature food served in traditional holiday meals and in Ikea cafeterias around the world — are, in fact, Turkish.

“Swedish meatballs are actually based on a recipe King Charles XII brought home from Turkey in the early 18th century,” the official Twitter account for Sweden said Saturday. “Let’s stick to the facts!”

Charles XII reigned as King of Sweden from 1697 to 1718, and he lived in Turkey from 1709 to 1714 during the Great Northern War, in which Russia challenged Sweden.

It’s not clear what motivated the country’s unexpected fact-check, but the admission fueled surprise and confusion on social media. The meatballs are traditionally served with lingonberries, and Sweden took care to assure at least one Twitter user that the combination is still unique to Sweden.

“[Lingonberries] don’t grow in Sweden exclusively,” the country tweeted Wednesday. “But lingonberry jam accompanying meatballs is damn near as Swedish as it gets!”

It remains to be seen whether the Swedish furniture retailer Ikea will respond to the revelation. About 2 million meatballs are consumed in Ikea stores worldwide every day.

“We do love facts as much we love meatballs!” Sweden tweeted on Monday.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Thu May 03, 2018 11:29 am

^^^

Turkish Meatballs – KÖFTE (w/o lingonberries :wink)

1 Pound Ground Beef or Lamb or a combination of the two.
1 Egg.
1/2 Cup Bread Crumbs.
2 Tablespoons Fresh Parsley.
3 Teaspoons of Meatball Spice Mix recipe to follow.
2 Cloves Garlic minced.
1 Small Onion minced.
1 Teaspoon Salt.

Instructions

Combine all ingredients in a bowl with your hands. Do not over mix which will change the texture of the meat.
Form the mixture into a flattened oval shape.
The balls can either be grilled or fried in a pan. Cook until done all of the way through.
Combine all of the dry spices.

For Meatball Spice Mix

1 Teaspoon each: Cumin, Coriander, Sweet Paprika, Dried Mint and Sumac
1/2 teaspoon each: Ground Cinnamon, Allspice, Ginger, Nutmeg and Cayenne Pepper

Combine the spices together and store in a sealed container.

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Thu May 03, 2018 11:43 am

The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

We may not choose the parameters of our destiny. But we give it its content. ~ Dag Hammarskjold 'Waymarks'
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Thu May 03, 2018 11:44 am

The Turkish meatball thing is presumably a light-hearted comment on the xenophobia currently rising in European politics.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Thu May 03, 2018 12:05 pm



…Though the 9/11 Commission found no evidence of Iranian involvement in the plot, the judge ruled that the country, its Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps and the Central Bank of the Islamic Republic of Iran are all liable for the deaths and injuries associated with it.

Judge George Daniels of the Southern District Court of New York ordered Iran to pay the families or estates of the deceased $12.5 million per spouse, $8.5 million per parent, $8.5 million per child and $4.25 million per sibling. A 4.96 percent annual interest rate dating from 2001 will also be added.

The ruling is part of the larger case against Saudi Arabia, a conference for which will be held later this month. Attorney Robert Haefele, who represented the plaintiffs, urged that the Iran decision “should not overshadow the mountain of evidence presented against Saudi Arabia, which remains central to the plaintiffs’ case.”



… Although Iran is unlikely to respect the order, the families of the deceased can now be paid damages from a fund of seized Iranian assets that has been used to pay compensation to families of victims of Hezbollah attacks and other violence attributed to Iran.



http://www.newsweek.com/iran-must-pay-b ... les-908328



————————

NY Post - 9-11 Victims Families Win Multi-Billion Dollar Settlement Against Iran


————————————



Possibly some more ramifications - from the LevinLawlink that Grizzley left:


https://www.levinlaw.com/2018/03/29/fed ... w-allowing


… For several years, Saudi Arabia enjoyed sovereign immunity from lawsuits filed by plaintiffs in the U.S. That changed with the enactment of the Justice Against Sponsors of Terrorism Act (JASTA). Initially, the bill was vetoed by President Barack Obama, who warned that such a law would expose U.S. companies as well as the military and federal officials to lawsuits brought by foreign governments. The bill, nonetheless, became law when Congress was able to override the President's veto.




fwiw
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Pele'sDaughter » Fri May 04, 2018 7:53 am

https://www.nbcdfw.com/news/politics/Re ... 77371.html

U.S. Representative Michael Burgess (R-Denton) is one of 18 lawmakers who wrote a letter to the Nobel Committee, nominating President Trump for a 2019 Nobel Peace Prize.

“The larger arc of history is better served if there is peace on the Korean peninsula,” said Burgess.

Burgess sat down with NBC 5 for his first interview after signing the letter. The letter pushes for the nomination for President Trump’s work to end the Korean War and denuclearize the Korean peninsula. The leaders believe the President united the international community and imposed harsh sanctions that brought North Korea to the negotiating table.

“A year ago what were we talking about in regards to North and South Korea, we were talking about how do we intercept a rocket right after-its launched before it does damage to us, and as a consequence we are ending up violating their airspace," Burgess explained. "And today, you have the leaders of those two countries meeting for the first time. Embracing, holding hands. It is an entirely different equation a year later, and I think the credit for that goes to The President of the United States."

Burgess is the only member of the North Texas delegation who signed the letter.
Don't believe anything they say.
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Re: Stories that should come from National Lampoon but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Tue May 08, 2018 4:38 pm


http://theweek.com/speedreads/771903/il ... olice-dogs

theweek.com
Illinois police claim if marijuana is legalized, they'll have to kill their police dogs

May 7, 2018

Tim Boyle/Getty Images

The training director of a police K-9 academy in Illinois claims that if the state legalizes recreational marijuana, it will likely have to euthanize "a number" of its pot-sniffing dogs, The Pantagraph reports.

There are approximately 275 trained narcotic K-9s in Illinois, with each costing the department thousands of dollars. Replacing the dogs would cost millions, and Chad Larner, the director of Maron County's K-9 Training Academy, said "retraining" the dogs would be "extreme abuse."

"At this point, they're trained on five different odors," explained the Normal Police Department's assistant police chief, Steve Petrilli, a former K-9 handler. "Once they're programed with that, you can't just deprogram them." The dogs are also trained against being social in order to be effective workers, which led Larner to suggest "a number" of the K-9s would have to be euthanized in the event that marijuana is legalized, The Pantagraph writes.

Marijuana advocates are skeptical about the threat. "The idea that legalizing for adults to have an ounce on them will equal ... all these dogs being euthanized, that seems kind of ridiculous and hyperbolic," the executive director of the advocacy group NORML, Dan Linn, told The Pantagraph. Petrilli likewise said the dogs would likely continue to live with their handlers in retirement, and in states where the drug has already been legalized, some K-9s have simply been retrained to ignore the (much more frequent) whiffs of pot. Read the full report about what is to become of the police dogs at The Pantagraph. Jeva Lange

Editor's note: This article originally overstated the number of dogs that might be euthanized. It has subsequently been clarified.


Keep arresting people for pot or we will shoot this dog!

Image

Redefining political hardball!

.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Elvis » Tue May 08, 2018 6:59 pm

the director of Maron County's K-9 Training Academy, said "retraining" the dogs would be "extreme abuse."


Traning dogs is easy. I've mentioned the police dog trainer who told me, "The hard part is training the humans."

And this:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/ ... -marijuana — Thirty days to re-train.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby DrEvil » Wed May 09, 2018 4:18 am

I've always wanted to get a retired sniffer dog and go for long walks on the beach. Specifically the beach where "stuff" keeps washing up because of the ocean currents.

One story that should have come from the Onion but didn't is that years ago I lived outside Bergen and took the bus back and forth to university every day. One day I saw a big, round package wrapped in brown paper lying in a ditch not far from my stop. Every day I would sit on the bus and see this thing and wonder what it was, thinking, hmm, it's only a short walk from my stop, maybe I should check it out. I'm a lazy bum so I didn't.

A couple of weeks later I bought the local paper and read a story about a prison guard who had been driving to work on the same road and also wondering about this mysterious package. Finally he gave in and stopped to pick it up. It turned out to be about 30 pounds of weed, which he promptly handed over to the police.

I'm still kicking myself.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby MacCruiskeen » Thu May 10, 2018 2:14 pm

The subtitle.

Trump’s rejection of Iran nuclear deal may be Israel’s dream moment

Israeli strikes on Iranian assets in Syria raise concerns the US and Israel are acting in concert

Patrick Wintour Diplomatic editor

Thu 10 May 2018 11.33 BST

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/ ... rael-syria


Say it ain't so, Guardian.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun May 13, 2018 8:02 am

Robot dogs that terrified people by opening doors may soon come to a building near you

by Marwa Eltagouri May 11 at 10:32 PM

They look like they’ve scampered out of a thriller — sleek, four-legged robots vaguely resembling dogs, flinging open doors and evading attacks from the humans controlling them.

And for the first time this week, videos posted to YouTube by the robotic dogs’ creators, Boston Dynamics, show the not-so-cuddly canines prancing around autonomously.

The videos comes just three months after a Feb. 12 video of a robotic dog opening the door and escaping with its friend went viral, sparking headlines such as, “Boston Dynamics’ dog robot can open up doors now and WTF we’re all dead” and “Robot dogs OPENING DOORS is one of the scariest things you will see all day.”

SpotMini robots, first unveiled by Boston Dynamics in June 2016, could become commonplace following CEO Marc Raibert’s announcement Friday at a conference that his company will begin selling the robots to businesses next year. They might appear outside construction zones — surveying the sites and collecting building data — or outside offices, where they could use their cameras to provide security. They could also be used to get into hard-to-reach spaces, such as the stairwells of skyscrapers, where they could check for explosives or “bad things” that shouldn’t be there, Raibert said.

In fact, the dogs could take on almost any role thanks to a customizing feature that allows third parties to run their own applications with SpotMini’s computer programming. About 10 SpotMinis have already been built, and Raibert said he plans to manufacture about 100 more for testing this year before launching mass production by the middle of next year. While a price tag has yet to be determined for the robots, Raibert said the cost of building the latest prototype was about one-tenth the cost of previous versions.

Raibert revealed his plans at the TechCrunch conference, which took place at the University of California at Berkeley and focused on the expanding role of robots in everyday life.

The Washington Post’s Alex Horton previously reported that the robotic dogs could prove less nightmarish during a natural or man-made disaster, as they could help navigate situations that would otherwise put people in danger, such as inspecting gas leaks or crawling through rubble after an explosion. According to Horton:

The SpotMini’s bulkier cousin, BigDog, was funded by the Pentagon’s research arm as a potential battlefield ally to carry heavy ammunition and help evacuate wounded troops. But the Marine Corps decided in 2015 that BigDog was simply too loud and could give away the position to enemy troops.

A video posted to YouTube Thursday shows a SpotMini robotic dog running around an office, smoothly climbing up and down a staircase. An operator initially had to steer the robot through the course so that it could build its own map of the area. But once that’s done — as shown in the video — the robot can navigate entirely on its own, using cameras to recognize obstacles.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inn ... 79f2e55509


Spot three years ago. Asshole employee shoves him in the corridor and kicks him in the parking lot. Must be to endear him to to viewers.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8YjvHYbZ9w
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Mon May 14, 2018 3:59 pm



https://nairobinews.nation.co.ke/news/s ... world-cup/

‘SAMANTHA’ BROTHEL OPENS IN RUSSIA AHEAD OF WORLD CUP (IT’S SH4K PER HOUR!)
Posted on May 14, 2018

Image



By THOMAS MATIKO

With 31 days left to the 2018 World Cup in Russia, the first ‘Samantha’ brothel has opened its doors in Moscow targeting fans who will be travel for the tournament.

According to UK newspaper Mirror, the sex dolls have been christened with names like Lolita, Sasha, Isilel and Alisa.

Locally, the sex dolls are referred to as Samantha.

The Moscow brothel has two kind of rooms, Fantasy and Dungeon. Both have varying prices.

In the Fantasy room, customers will pay UK 17.75 pounds (Ksh2,400) per hour. In the Dungeon, customers will pay UK 29.50 pounds (Ksh4,000) for an hour.

UNHAPPY SEX LIVES

Brothel owner Dmitry Alexandrov was quoted saying that 36% of Russians are unhappy with their sex lives and hence would love to experience something different.

“Creating a full scale leisure adult center in Russia is not only a legal and safe way to improve your sex life, it is also a step towards fighting one of oldest problems in Russia,” Alexandrov was quoted, referring to prostitution.
A spokesman for the hotel is also quoted saying that they are ready for the world cup.

“We really are waiting for a flow of visitors during the World Cup and we look forward many foreign clients. This is why we are now getting special permission to welcome foreign visitors. As for the players if they are allowed by their coaches and managers, we will welcome them,” he said.

Alexandrov describes the sex dolls as warm with mechanical movements and an artificial brain.

Once a client is done, the sex dolls are cleaned and disinfected with special solutions to ensure there is no risk of infection to the next client.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Mon May 14, 2018 4:18 pm

Takeout?

White supremacist gang leader executed outside Chinese buffet in New Hampshire
https://www.rawstory.com/2018/05/white- ... YA.twitter
Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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