Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Tue May 02, 2017 8:13 pm

She looks like Julia Roberts and so I couldn't help thinking this was the true ending of Pretty Woman.
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

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The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby KUAN » Wed May 03, 2017 2:36 am

Heather possibly could've been a bad influence

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Wed May 03, 2017 5:12 am

The Eagles Sue Hotel California

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/eag ... mg00000009

The Eagles have filed a lawsuit accusing the owners of a Mexico hotel of using the name “Hotel California,” arguably the band’s most famous song, without permission.

In a complaint filed late Monday, the Eagles said owners of the 11-room Todos Santos hotel in Baja California Sur “actively encourage” guests to believe the hotel is associated with the band, in order to sell t-shirts and other merchandise, and make guests feel welcome.

This allegedly included piping “Hotel California” and other Eagles songs through the hotel sound system, and selling t-shirts in that refer to the hotel as “legendary,” resulting in apparent confusion among many guests who posted online reviews.

The Eagles also noted that the defendant Hotel California Baja LLC has applied with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to register the Hotel California name.

“Defendants lead U.S. consumers to believe that the Todos Santos Hotel is associated with the Eagles and, among other things, served as the inspiration for the lyrics in ‘Hotel California,’ which is false,” the complaint said.

The lawsuit filed in Los Angeles federal court seeks a variety of damages and a halt to any infringement.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Elvis » Wed May 03, 2017 2:37 pm

“Hotel California” and other Eagles songs through the hotel sound system


People pay for that?! Hotel Hell!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Iamwhomiam » Thu May 04, 2017 2:46 pm

JackRiddler » Tue May 02, 2017 8:13 pm wrote:She looks like Julia Roberts and so I couldn't help thinking this was the true ending of Pretty Woman.


Nah. If they both fell to their deaths simultaneously from a great height, he being pulled over the edge with her by her firm desire not to die and her strong grip, a consequence of his "trying desperately to prevent her from committing suicide by leaping to her death," perhaps. Otherwise, she would have been visualized being tossed over, with the mandatory close-up of the corpse zoomed in on from above, bloodied and with her dead eyes open. And there the movie would have ended. Unless they felt it necessary to add an epilogue, one showing Gere gloating mourning while tanning on a tropical beach, cocktail at his side.

Mac, will her memoir be entitled "My First Half-Decade"?
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby SonicG » Tue May 16, 2017 4:10 am

Ann Coulter is kinda funny from a safe distance...

Coulter said she was opposed from the beginning to the president hiring daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner. “Americans don’t like that, I don’t like that. That’s the one fascist thing he’s done. Hiring his kids.”

...
Coulter said that being on the Trump ride is like being told you’ve got six days to make it from Chicago to Los Angeles, except you spend the first three days heading instead to New York.

“He can still turn around and get us to LA in three days, but I’m a little nervous,” she added.

“If we just keep going to New York ... again, I’ll say we had no choice, but the Trump-haters were right … it’s a nightmare. I can’t even contemplate that. Right now I’m still rooting for him to turn around and take us toward LA.”
(she's a "best-selling" author kids! How about that wondrous simile!)

She said she still believes in “Trumpism” and largely faults the Republican Congress for moving too slowly to make changes. “They are swine.”

She called Trump the “last shot” but then named U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions as someone she might consider supporting in the future.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/cou ... mg00000009


Coulter is down to clown with Jeff Sessions? Oh man, a lot of Alt-Right dicks just went limp...but they shouldn't be wanking anyhow...

Speaking of which, this shit is pretty funny:

The “pope” of the group, Dante Nero, has some rules on masturbation, including one rule that says a man should not ejaculate unless he is within one yard of a woman, particularly his wife.

"Wanking" alone into a tissue is just sad and wrong, McInnes said, and he puts much of the blame on video games and porn for men’s failures with women.

“With your brain on porn, you think you can f--k all these 10s, like you’re Attila the Hun,” but when the real-world hits, McInnes said, these guys get hit with a stark depression when they realize they “are not going to do better” than a real-life woman.

The initiation process for the Proud Boys, according to McInnes, goes something like this:

First degree - Declare you're a Proud Boy.

Second degree - The other Proud Boys "beat the crap out of you" until you can name five breakfast cereals. You also have to stop "beating off."

Third degree - Added to the above, you get a tattoo.

Fourth degree - The final step involves "a major fight for the cause," McInnes said. "You get beat up, kinck the crap out of an antifa" and possibly get arrested.

http://www.metro.us/news/gavin-mcinnes- ... D2szu1meZg



Within one yard! Oh, and yeah, porn women are all "10s"...Would the organization recognize marrying one of those fancy lifelike sex dolls?
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Sun May 21, 2017 8:09 pm

IRAN TO TRUMP: TELL SAUDI ARABIA TO STOP THE NEXT 9/11
http://www.newsweek.com/iran-trump-saud ... men-613026
Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Fri May 26, 2017 7:02 am

Teachers under fire for naming student ‘most likely to become a terrorist’
http://nypost.com/2017/05/25/teachers-u ... terrorist/
Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Iamwhomiam » Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:54 pm

Kid Rock Subpoenaed To Produce Glass Dildo As Evidence In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit

http://www.stereogum.com/1693871/kid-rock-subpoenaed-to-produce-glass-dildo-as-evidence-in-insane-clown-posse-lawsuit/news/
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby SonicG » Tue Jun 13, 2017 3:22 am

Not sure which is my favorite quote from
President Trump’s Cabinet Lovefest

But it really wasn't such a love fest...You gotta love Napster McMilquetoast's lukewarm tepidness...
“Clearly we are engaged with our allies to ensure that they know where our common interests lie,” Rex Tillerson, the secretary of state, said. “And for our adversaries, we are engaging and will engage. But they have to know that we are engaging from a position of strength.”

Sure. Just ask Qatar...

These rule!!
Sonny Perdue, secretary of agriculture: “I just got back from Mississippi and they love you there.”

Mike Pompeo, kept his remarks quick and to the point.
'I'm honored to serve as your CIA director. It's an incredible privilege to lead the men and women who provide the intelligence so that we can do the national security mission. And in the finest tradition of the CIA, I'm not going to say a damned thing in front of the media.'


And a howler from the Rez Prez
'We are stopping the funding of terrorism. They are going to stop the funding of terrorism,' Trump said of US ally Saudi Arabia. 'And it's not an easy fight, but that's a fight we're going to win. You have to starve the beast, and we're gonna starve the beast, believe me.'

Hahahaha...You mean KSA will STOP funding terrorism, or they are going to stop others from funding a few terrorists so KSA can continue funding their own? :starz:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/12/opin ... efest.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... z4jrfHpBFE
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby SonicG » Thu Jun 15, 2017 6:17 am

This maybe should go in the "Truly Ironic, not Like that Alanis Morissette Song" thread but...

Mexico call centers await ‘huge pool of talent’ if Trump keeps deportation pledge
Employing native English speakers who understand US culture would give call centers an edge over rivals in India and the Philippines in billion-dollar industry

If Donald Trump deports millions of people, Mexico’s call centers will have one word for him – and it won’t be gracias; it’ll be thanks.

The booming industry needs English speakers to service US customers, and the US president seems set to oblige with a deportation force that could banish record numbers of Americanized Mexicans south of the border.

“That’s a huge pool of talent for us,” said Joe Andere, executive vice-president of Americas Survey Company (ASC), which with its sister company Voxcentrix has 450 call center stations in Tijuana. “We’re looking for people at the moment. All the companies are.”
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/ ... portations


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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:01 pm

WIKILEAKS DOCUMENTARY MAKERS ACCUSE ASSANGE OF CENSORSHIP
http://www.newsweek.com/wikileaks-docum ... hip-626613
Mazars and Deutsche Bank could have ended this nightmare before it started.
They could still get him out of office.
But instead, they want mass death.
Don’t forget that.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby MacCruiskeen » Sat Jun 17, 2017 12:53 pm

This is a genuine Sky News tweet:

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"Ich kann gar nicht so viel fressen, wie ich kotzen möchte." - Max Liebermann,, Berlin, 1933

"Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts." - Richard Feynman, NYC, 1966

TESTDEMIC ➝ "CASE"DEMIC
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby stillrobertpaulsen » Tue Jun 20, 2017 4:32 pm

NASA wants to probe Uranus in search of gas

Mike Wehner
June 16th, 2017 at 7:21 PM

We hear a lot about Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, and that’s because we have extremely fancy hardware floating around and, in some cases, cruising on the surface of those planets. The planets that lie further away from the Sun don’t get nearly as much attention, but they may soon, as NASA is currently spitballing some missions that will give us a better look at Uranus than we’ve ever gotten.

The theoretical missions, which would see NASA spacecraft heading to both Uranus and Neptune, would be of huge scientific benefit. The idea is to determine what the planets are made of, get an idea of the atmospheric composition, and take lots of fantastic photographs, too. Researchers hope to study the weather and overall climate of the planets, while determining how they fit into the overall makeup of our Solar System.

Both Uranus and Neptune still hold many secrets yet to be revealed, and the proposed missions would include both flybys and an orbiter that would send an atmospheric probe to Uranus in order to sample its gasses and detect elements. A similar option exists for Neptune, though the actual details of the mission(s) would need to be fully fleshed out before it comes anywhere near a formal proposal.

The missions are still a long way from reality, both in funding and in timeframe. NASA says that 2030 through 2036 would be feasible for a Uranus trip, while a Neptune mission would need to take place before 2030 or after 2040, due to the timing of a gravity-assisted boost around Jupiter.


Spokesmen Beavis and Butthead were unable to comment, too busy giggling.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Thu Jun 22, 2017 4:08 pm

Whipped cream dispenser explodes, killing French Instagram fitness model

http://www.seattlepi.com/news/article/W ... 238646.php
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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