Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 82_28 » Fri Oct 26, 2018 12:02 pm

chump » Fri Oct 26, 2018 7:37 am wrote:

https://kdvr.com/2018/10/23/broncos-bac ... -trespass/

[…]

The Arapahoe County Sheriff's Office said because it was not an alcohol-related offense, no information on Kelly's blood-alcohol content would have been in the arrest affidavit.

The arrest affidavit said there was no alcohol in Kelly's system, but no alcohol test was administered, the sheriff's office said.

[…]



I lived, worked and visited friends all around that seedy stretch. Maybe you remember nearby Cinderella City - the biggest indoor mall west of the Mississippi?

The Gothic turned into a tavern theater in the twenty-first century, and the last time that I was inside was to see The Aristocrats on the big screen.



You would have no "82_28" were it not for Cinderella City. My dad met my mom there when he came back from Vietnam and got a job as a janitor. OK, this isn't FB. But yes. Of course I remember.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Mon Nov 19, 2018 11:45 am


https://www.cryptogon.com/?p=53791

Japan Cyber-Security Minister Has Never Use a Computer

November 15th, 2018

Via: BBC:

Japan’s new cyber-security minister has dumbfounded his country by saying he has never used a computer.

Yoshitaka Sakurada made the admission to a committee of lawmakers.

“Since I was 25 years old and independent I have instructed my staff and secretaries. I have never used a computer in my life,” he said, according to a translation by the Kyodo news agency.

The 68-year-old was appointed to his post last month.

His duties include overseeing cyber-defence preparations for the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo.

A politician from the opposition Democratic Party, Masato Imai, whose question had prompted the admission, expressed surprise.

“I find it unbelievable that someone who is responsible for cyber-security measures has never used a computer,” he said.


https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-46222026
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Wed Nov 21, 2018 8:33 am

Man accused of bomb threat said he only meant to ‘blow up’ the bathroom with a bowel movement

By Eli Rosenberg
November 20 at 5:07 PM

The man went into the restaurant and headed toward the food preparation area, asking a manager what time the place closed. The man, who was wearing a green hat and blue jacket and carrying a white bag, then said: “Y’all about to close right now because I’m going to get a bomb and blow this place up,” according to court documents cited by the New Orleans Times-Picayune.

But the man, Arthur Posey, 30, who was later charged with making a bomb threat in the Nov. 13 incident, had a different story when questioned by police, the newspaper reported.

Posey told an officer that he had told an employee at the restaurant that he was going to “ ‘blow the bathroom up,’ in reference to a bowel movement,” the warrant for him states, according to the Times-Picayune. But employees at the eatery, Willie’s Chicken Shack, told officers that they never heard Posey say anything about a bathroom.

Posey is charged with two counts of communicating false information of planned arson, according to the Times-Picayune. Posey has a mental competence hearing next week.

Employees at the restaurant told police they had taken the threat seriously; one officer wrote that the manager was shaking as she spoke, the newspaper reported.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2 ... bcd60c3aad


Image
(Note to boys under 13: available thru Amazon for under $20)
The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Fri Nov 23, 2018 2:36 pm

Man suspected of money laundering after $400,000 found in washing machine
https://edition.cnn.com/2018/11/23/euro ... index.html
"This is formal impeachment proceedings," Nader told CNN's Erin Burnett Thursday on "OutFront."
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Re: Menus that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Dec 02, 2018 8:53 am

One thing is for sure: a meal at Noma is completely out of the ordinary. Guests are treated to a parade of around 20 small plates, most of which bear little resemblance to recognizable food. The tasting menu costs $296 a head, and the wine pairing is an additional $185


Image
Noma, Copenhagen: Beef Tartare with ants


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JihqaHGQGMo
(^^^Diner on the right isn't convinced)

Image
Live Ants Invade Noma (Chef) René Redzepi likes the "acidity" of the insects, paired with yogurt.
The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

We may not choose the parameters of our destiny. But we give it its content. ~ Dag Hammarskjold 'Waymarks'
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby MacCruiskeen » Sun Dec 16, 2018 8:47 pm

"We are entering the arena of the unwell." (Bruce Robinson, Withnail & I)

How Putin's Russia turned humour into a weapon
By Olga Robinson
BBC Monitoring
15 December 2018

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-46567364


BBC Monitoring, so don't get caught laughing at it. Treason is no joke.
There sawe I fyrst the derke ymagynyng
Of felony [...]
The pyckpurse and eke the pale drede,
The smyler, with the knyfe under the cloke.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:19 pm


Costco sells out of 27-pound mac-and-cheese bucket with 20-year shelf life


A8F7904C-E935-4D5A-A586-6B23A33B2823.jpeg
A8F7904C-E935-4D5A-A586-6B23A33B2823.jpeg (19.31 KiB) Viewed 771 times


https://nypost.com/2019/01/11/costco-se ... ssion=true
"This is formal impeachment proceedings," Nader told CNN's Erin Burnett Thursday on "OutFront."
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby DrEvil » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:42 pm

^^Beats eating at Noma.

In other news, we must be approaching peak stupid.

Putting books backward on bookshelves really is a craze. Some say it’s just crazy

Image

Looking for an easy way to organize a messy bookshelf? You might consider turning all the spines backward.

Yes, the backward bookshelf is one of the easiest ways – albeit, not too functional – to clean up a hodgepodge of texts. It’s also an interior design craze that’s about as culturally divisive as national politics in America.

Advocates tout the simplistic texture of the pages, while opponents argue that the idea is just plain stupid since you can’t see which books are which. Generally speaking, you love it or hate it.

The backward bookshelf began to trend in the mid-aughts, mostly as an artistic styling tool in photographs on small-scale design blogs or bookshop websites. Now, big-box retailers such as West Elm and The Container Store have incorporated backward bookshelves into their product displays.

A Google search for “backward books” will bring back millions of results, from sites including social-media mainstays like Pinterest and Instagram, various women’s magazines and some interior design staples like Apartment Therapy.

“I can see the appeal because a lot of times, if there’s a lot of books in a room, people find it distracting or overwhelming,” said Sarah Cole, a Boston-area interior designer. “But it’s not super-functional, and unless the books are purely decorative, it just seems challenging.”

Backward books, Cole said, do align with the neutral, monochromatic look that is popular now in design.

Achieving a simple, stylish look is exactly why Cari Shane turned her books backward. Four years ago, the public relations executive was renovating a 1914 row house in Washington, D.C., when her teenage daughter suggested the idea.

“I had these beautiful orange chairs for the living room and I needed something to set them off,” Shane said. “I needed something that was going to let the chairs be the focal point.”

The books used in the display were ones Shane had no plans to re-read.

“I couldn’t tell you what books they are,” she said.

On the other hand, Nathan Shafer, a life-long reader and book collector, has filled his Arvada, Colorado, home with hundreds of books, none of which face backward.

“They’re entities, and when you turn them all backward it renders them one anonymous mass,” Shafer said.

And an anonymous mass, Shafer said, defies the purpose of books.

“They’re for the unique words, the unique ideas, the unique characters inside them,” he said. “Part of the reason for hanging onto books is so you can go back and find something. You can’t do that if you’re hiding every identifying mark.”

There are occasions, however, when art is executed just right, at least according to the customers of Newtonville Books, an independent bookseller in Newton, Mass. The store is known around the area for its visually intriguing counter, which is filled with backward books in different sizes and colors.

The shop’s owner, Mary Cotton, saw the styling tool on the website of an Australian bookstore six years ago.

“We wanted to do something that was really beautiful and interesting, some sort of book art project,” she said.

An architect helped design and execute the plan. Customers ask what books were used to make the counter, but Cotton said they never wrote down the titles. And, since the books are glued into place, there’s no way of moving them.

“We had a lot of old used books that hadn’t sold, and others we got from library sales and the covers were damaged,” Cotton said. “I like it. It gives them another life. People seem to like it.”


https://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation ... 03969.html
"I only read American. I want my fantasy pure." - Dave
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Sun Jan 13, 2019 12:11 pm

Woman banned from Walmart after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can, police say
https://www.wpxi.com/news/national/woma ... /903718112
"This is formal impeachment proceedings," Nader told CNN's Erin Burnett Thursday on "OutFront."
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:25 pm

seemslikeadream » Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:11 am wrote:
Woman banned from Walmart after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can, police say
https://www.wpxi.com/news/national/woma ... /903718112


So cool!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:33 pm

To navigate Walmart, I need something stronger than wine.

Image
The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

We may not choose the parameters of our destiny. But we give it its content. ~ Dag Hammarskjold 'Waymarks'
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:39 pm

That changes my whole image of it. I see now. The wine wasn't in the Pringles can, the Pringles can held the bottle. And is there a better use for a Pringles can?! It's absolutely criminal how Walmart is treating someone with so much distinction and joie de vivre.
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

To Justice my maker from on high did incline:
I am by virtue of its might divine,
The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:52 pm

"This is formal impeachment proceedings," Nader told CNN's Erin Burnett Thursday on "OutFront."
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:03 pm

JackRiddler » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:39 pm wrote:That changes my whole image of it. I see now. The wine wasn't in the Pringles can, the Pringles can held the bottle. And is there a better use for a Pringles can?! It's absolutely criminal how Walmart is treating someone with so much distinction and joie de vivre.


Absolut ely! For guinea pigs, a straw dispenser for them...

Image

Or a dispenser for cat food cans (very clever imo), a coaster, a toy maze...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKUATrt-T_A
The greatest sin is to be unconscious. ~ Carl Jung

We may not choose the parameters of our destiny. But we give it its content. ~ Dag Hammarskjold 'Waymarks'
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby DrEvil » Sun Jan 13, 2019 6:46 pm

^^Don't forget cantennas: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cantenna
"I only read American. I want my fantasy pure." - Dave
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