Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:39 pm

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Mon Jan 14, 2019 1:49 pm

.

Chilling Notion for 2020: Disinformation Will Be Homegrown

.




Note: That bit of pure ahistorical hilarity is the current New York Times front-page headline for this article, with a different headline at link, about the "Democrats" (actually the "New Democracy" intel operators) who launched thousands of fake "Russian" bots during the Doug Jones-Roy Moore race for the Senate in Alabama.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Mon Jan 14, 2019 10:38 pm

.

NY Times front page with another hit today:

China Is a Dangerous Rival, and America Should Treat It Like One
Enough with the endless talks and handshakes. We need to untie the American economy from China.

.

Okay! Done and done!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:06 am

American owned Pantene shampoo plugging its adult product by objectifying a one-year-old...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_Dv7Ff0JGg



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqF41BUKLy8
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sun Jan 20, 2019 6:21 pm

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“Semenly” Harmless Back Pain: An Unusual Presentation of a Subcutaneous Abscess

Introduction

We report, with review of the literature, the case of a patient who developed a subcutaneous abscess after intravenously injecting his own semen in an attempt to treat longstanding back pain. He had devised this “cure” independent of medical advice. This is the first reported case of semen injection for use as a medical treatment.

Case Report

A 33 year old male was seen complaining of severe, sudden onset lower back pain. He reported lifting a heavy steel object 3 days prior and his symptoms had progressed ever since. This gentleman had a history of chronic low back pain without neurology. Thorough physical exam of the upper and lower limbs revealed an erythematous papule with a central focus on the medial aspect of his right upper limb. His ASIA score for neurology was normal and non-contributory. The patient disclosed that he had intravenously injected his own semen as an innovative method to treat back pain. He had devised this “cure” independent of any medical advice. Upon further interrogation of this alternative therapy, he revealed he had injected one monthly “dose” of semen for 18 consecutive months using a hypodermic needle which had been purchased online. Upon this occasion the patient had injected three “doses” of semen intra-vascularly and intra-muscularly. The erythema extended medially along his upper limb over the course of the following 24 hours as seen in figure 1.

MORE...http://imj.ie/semenly-harmless-back-pai ... s-abscess/
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Wed Feb 06, 2019 1:27 pm

Bannon Backs Private Effort To Build Border Wall Out Of Cannabis
https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-02- ... t-cannabis
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Thu Feb 28, 2019 11:01 am



DenversAirport
Published on Feb 28, 2019

He’s 243 years old, and is here to clear the air on all the conspiracies at DEN. Turns out this gargoyle is wiser than we thought, and is sharing more than we planned. Along with giving travelers his two cents, he’s surprising them with smiles and plenty of laughs. We believe interactions at DEN should not only be helpful, but fun too. That’s the art of airporting.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sat Mar 02, 2019 8:28 am

This grandma posed for a photo on an iceberg — then had to be rescued when she floated out to sea

Image

By Michael Brice-Saddler
March 1 at 8:05 PM

A 77-year-old grandmother lived out her dreams of royalty when she climbed atop a throne-shaped iceberg during a recent trip to Iceland.

Judith Streng, from Texas, struck a regal pose on a hunk of ice that washed up on Diamond Beach in Jokulsarlon, while her son snapped a picture. It was a moment of triumph for the magnificent “iceberg queen,” as she was later dubbed.

That is, until a sudden wave dislodged the icy throne — setting grandmother adrift.

“When I got on it, it started to totter and a wave was coming in,” Streng told ABC News. “A very large wave came in and kind of made the throne kind of rock, and I could tell that I was slipping off.”

On Monday, Streng’s granddaughter, Christine, posted the text messages and photos her father sent after the Feb. 26 ordeal. Successive photos show Judith farther and farther from the camera.

Image
While on vacation in Iceland, Judith Streng, of Texas, took an unplanned ride out to sea after posing on a beached chunk of ice that went adrift when it was dislodged by wave action. (Catherine Streng).


“Lost her kingdom when she drifted out to see! [sic]” Christine’s father texted her. He added, “No joke. A coast guard rescuer had to save her and bring her back to shore!”

Photos of grandmother’s nautical adventure had garnered 66,000 retweets by Friday evening.

The daring grandmother told ABC News that her rescuer was Randy Lacount, a boat captain from Florida who witnessed her float away. He did not immediately respond to a request for comment Monday evening.

“I thought it was safe,” Streng told ABC. “One girl had been on it and then two girls at the same time, and it was very secure with them. But I don’t weigh very much. So it was a little easier to float off with me, I guess.”

Of her choice to sit on the throne, she told the network: “You know, I always wanted to be a queen. I mean, come on, that was my chance.”

Streng returned to the United States on Monday and is recuperating from her trip, Christine told The Post. While she was not available for an interview, the elder Streng relayed to her granddaughter that she’s “glad people are getting a kick out of her story.”

“Being so popular is wild,” the grandmother added.

In a way, it’s royalty.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/20 ... 46cf23c39f



Her family kept snapping pictures? :shock:
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:26 am

the running joke with my kids is that when my time is near they are to put me on an iceberg and send me out to sea like the old Eskimo tradition ....the thing is they think I am joking :)

they can take pics if they want :lol:
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Sat Mar 02, 2019 4:05 pm

Maybe that was Streng's family's real agenda. But it sure beats a nursing home, imo!

fwiw......P.D. James excellent novel The Children of Men (on which the film was based) features a 'quietus' version of the ice floe in which sending the elderly out to sea is really government sponsored senicide.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Fri Mar 08, 2019 8:27 am

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Buffet brawl over crab legs includes 2 people fencing with tongs, smashed dishes

Police in Alabama said a brawl over crab legs broke out at a buffet restaurant, leading to plates being smashed on the floor and two people using serving tongs like fencing swords to battle it out over the delicious sea meat.

Huntsville police officer Gerald Johnson was at the buffet joint and was just about to sit down to enjoy his meal when the alleged fight started in the food line on Friday night.

“There’s a woman who’s beating a man, plates are shattering everywhere,” the officer told WHNT 19 News.

Turns out, people were waiting line for over 10 minutes for the restaurant to refill the buffet table with crab legs, the officer said.

“Everyone was saying, ‘They cut me in line. She cut me in line. He cut me in line. I was here first,'” Johnson explained to the news station.

Then came the sound of serving utensils clashing together.

“It’s not something you typically hear, if you can imagine a fencing match,” the cop said.

Then the crab legs came out.

“They’d been waiting there for the crab legs for a good 10, 20 minutes. When they finally came out, it’s very heated,” Johnson recalled. “Especially if someone is taking more than their fair share.”

Authorities charged Chequita Jenkins for allegedly assaulting John Chapman, who suffered a cut on his head. Chapman is charged with disorderly conduct.

https://globalnews.ca/news/5004929/buff ... ith-tongs/



Crab legs sparked a brawl at a buffet. A day later and hundreds of miles away, it happened again.


https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2 ... f78310ba00


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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Cordelia » Thu Apr 04, 2019 10:21 am

A black woman was beaten by a white man with a gun. Police charged her with damaging his truck.

April 3 at 3:23 PM

On the night when a gun was pulled, punches were thrown and car windows smashed, transforming Dallas into the latest flash point of criminal justice and race relations, everything began with a traffic dispute.

L’Daijohnique Lee was going the wrong way down a one-way street in the Deep Ellum neighborhood on March 21. She was dropping off a friend, she said. Austin Shuffield, 30, was trying to leave a parking lot. He tried to take a picture of her license plate. Lee, 24, threatened to mace him if he didn’t back away, WFAA reported, citing a police affidavit.

A bystander video captured what happened next. Shuffield, who is white, clutches a pistol at his side and steps toward Lee, who is black. She pulls out her phone to dial 911. Shuffield swats the phone to the ground, and Lee connects a punch. Then Shuffield winds up for at least five hard blows to Lee’s head, sending her reeling. Then he kicks her phone down the street.

The video roared across social media and prompted calls for serious charges against Shuffield. But a felony charge landed first for Lee — the assault victim.

Lee was charged Tuesday with felony criminal mischief after allegedly smashing the windows of Shuffield’s truck after the incident. That decision triggered more protests in Dallas, including one planned at city hall Wednesday, the Dallas Morning News reported, as the video and Lee’s story spread.

On Wednesday, the Dallas County district attorney’s office said Lee’s warrant was recalled. “The case has been declined for prosecution,” said Kimberlee Leach, a spokeswoman for the office. It was not immediately clear why.

The initial felony charge for Lee raised questions about whether it was appropriate for an assault victim.

“She’s obviously in distress. You can’t consider these things outside of context,” said her attorney S. Lee Merritt, who criticized authorities for filing a felony charge against Lee before they focused on Shuffield.

Shuffield has been referred for a felony assault charge to the Dallas County district attorney’s office to consider for a grand jury, police said. He has not been formally charged with any felonies.

“We understand that some people are upset,” Dallas Deputy Police Chief Thomas Castro said in a news conference Tuesday, when he announced the now-dropped charges.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2 ... e97bbc4d7e


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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby RocketMan » Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:17 pm

https://www.theguardian.com/business/20 ... r-disaster

Billionaire JP Morgan chief attacks socialism as 'a disaster'

JP Morgan chief executive Jamie Dimon took aim at socialism in his annual letter to shareholders, and warned it would be “a disaster for our country”.

Dimon, who was paid $31m last year as the head of America’s largest bank and who is estimated by Forbes to be worth $1.3bn, took his swipe as a new wave of left politics has emerged in the US.

Democratic socialism has been embraced by a new generation of politicians, including New York congressman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and supporters of Bernie Sanders, a longtime socialist now making a second bid for the presidency.

Dimon’s attack also comes as many leftwing Democrats, including Sanders and senator Elizabeth Warren, have called for the breakup of big businesses and greater regulation of banking in particular.

In his letter, Dimon wrote: “When governments control companies, economic assets (companies, lenders and so on) over time are used to further political interests – leading to inefficient companies and markets, enormous favoritism and corruption.”

He went on: “Socialism inevitably produces stagnation, corruption and often worse – such as authoritarian government officials who often have an increasing ability to interfere with both the economy and individual lives – which they frequently do to maintain power. This would be as much a disaster for our country as it has been in the other places it’s been tried.”
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Grizzly » Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:40 pm

Can't we get an organized Billionare hunt!? Oh, damn, now I'm on the list...lol let's not pretend I wasn't already. If your the one putting me on it, your a coward motherfucker much like that pussy that beat up that poor black woman above. I'm an old white man, but I assure you had I seen you doing that I would have went on attack. You mother fuckers know your time is short.... and is going to come. I fucking hate bullies.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby seemslikeadream » Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:50 am

Image

Detroit-area Catholics permitted to eat muskrat
https://www.detroitnews.com/story/news/ ... /39351647/


Image
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