Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby coffin_dodger » Fri Mar 06, 2020 4:38 pm

Kudlow - Baghdad Bob reborn.

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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby coffin_dodger » Mon Mar 09, 2020 11:56 am



The American political class never fail to give me a chuckle, especially so recently.

Gotta love the way that Governor Cuomo has had something on his mind and begins by demanding answers from his press corps about the 'most egrigious' problem in NY at the moment.

Price gouging on hand-sanitiser.

It reminds me of a rather haughty headteacher interrogating some naughty pupils about a petty misdemenour.

The unveiling and product promotion that follows is sublime.

Good luck, America.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby coffin_dodger » Wed Mar 11, 2020 11:01 am

Rishi Sunak has offered a cocktail of measures to boost the spirits of pubs and drinkers affected by coronavirus and economic uncertainty.


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-51833138

Well, at least we can all go into this a bit more pissed up for less money.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby norton ash » Wed Mar 11, 2020 12:10 pm

Lots of the poor and homeless used to get pissed up for less money on hand sanitizer. Guess those days are gone.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby chump » Fri Mar 20, 2020 3:44 pm



I saw this story and couldn’t’ fuggin’ fathom that these frickin’ freaks have $5000 and 5 million friends for frivolous fun!!



Buying All The Toilet Paper
October 16, 2019

MoreJStu
5.01M subscribers

We went to Target and bought all the toilet paper in the whole store! We had to rent a moving truck to transport all the toilet paper. The total price was $5,000 to buy all the toilet paper, leave a comment of what you want to see us do with all of it!
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby liminalOyster » Fri Apr 10, 2020 9:35 pm

"It's not rocket surgery." - Elvis
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 0_0 » Mon Apr 13, 2020 4:05 am

ISIS is urging its fighters to avoid Europe because of the coronavirus pandemic

ISIS is telling its fighters not to go to Europe and stage attacks due to the novel coronavirus pandemic.


https://www.businessinsider.com/coronav ... ?r=DE&IR=T

Black day at blue lagoon: Picture shows picturesque lake turned COMPLETELY black after police put dye in it to stop Instagrammers break virus lockdown

Derbyshire Police dumped the dye in the water at Harpur Hill in Buxton to deter visitors from taking selfies
The blue lagoon has changed into a miserable grey due to the police officers actions this week
Dyeing lagoon might in fact backfire and make it more popular for Instagrammers looking for unusual snaps
Officers received reports of large numbers of people ignoring the government coronavirus lockdown
People have been urged to remain at home after the Covid-19 death toll in Britain today went past 1,000
Coronavirus symptoms: what are they and should you see a doctor?


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... mmers.html

Coronavirus: Peru limits movement by gender to stem spread

Men can only leave home on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; women can do so on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Sundays, no-one is allowed out.

Panama introduced similar restrictions earlier this week.


https://www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-52149742

Brian Tillery walked into Home Depot on Friday morning and did a double take.

“What — they’re not selling paint?” he exclaimed.

Signs taped to orange buckets lined with yellow caution tape told the story:

Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s latest stay-home order to battle the coronavirus pandemic allows home improvement stores to stay open, but only to sell “products necessary to maintain the safety, sanitation and basic operations of residences.” The new regulations required Home Depot to close its paint section, flooring section and outdoor gardening center by Friday morning.


https://www.bridgemi.com/michigan-gover ... rder-means

A paddle boarder was arrested Thursday after ignoring lifeguards’ orders to get out of the ocean near the Malibu Pier despite beach closures amid the coronavirus pandemic, authorities said.

County lifeguards patrolling the shore by boat tried to get the man to come ashore. Despite repeated orders to exit the water, the man continued paddle boarding for at least 30 minutes. Lifeguards eventually flagged down Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies who responded by boat to help, according to the Sheriff’s Department.

Video of the incident taken by bystanders along the shore and later posted to social media shows the man paddling toward the pier while being pursued by lifeguard and sheriff’s boats.

The man, who was not identified by authorities, eventually made his way to the beach, where he was arrested on suspicion of disobeying a lifeguard and violating Gov. Gavin Newsom’s stay-at-home order, a misdemeanor. Photographs from the scene show the man in handcuffs being led down the beach by two deputies.

He was booked at a sheriff’s station in Calabasas and released on a promise to appear in court, sheriff’s officials said. The man faces a fine of $1,000 or six months in jail, or both, if convicted of violating the state order.


https://www.latimes.com/california/stor ... s-closures

'He wasn't a partner, we were friends': Syd Little pays tribute to comedy sidekick Eddie Large, 78, after his death in hospital from coronavirus while being treated for heart failure

Glasgow-born comedian, whose real name was Edward McGinnis, best known for partnership with Syd Little
Comedy duo would draw in up to 25million viewers at height of their TV fame on the Little and Large show
In the 1990s Eddie had health problems and a heart transplant in 2003, which prolonged his life by 17 years
In 2013 he nearly died after tripping over road sign near his home in Portishead and took 3 months to recover
His heart failed again and he died alone in hospital in the West Country where he got coronavirus
His son Ryan revealed his sad death and told friends: 'His heart was sadly not strong enough to fight it'


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... virus.html

Coronavirus: Tunisia deploys police robot on lockdown patrol

If it spies anyone walking in the largely deserted streets, it approaches them and asks why they are out.

They must then show their ID and other papers to the robot's camera, so officers controlling it can check them.


https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-52148639

Police threaten to search shopping trolleys to check you’re only buying essentials

The police may start checking shopping trolleys to make sure people are only buying essentials amid the Covid-19 lockdown, one police chief has threatened.


https://metro.co.uk/2020/04/09/police-t ... -12532339/
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby stickdog99 » Mon Apr 13, 2020 4:08 pm

Can't we make it illegal for cops to come within 6 feet of citizens suspected of breaking ridiculous laws?
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Mon Apr 13, 2020 4:37 pm

stickdog99 » Mon Apr 13, 2020 3:08 pm wrote:Can't we make it illegal for cops to come within 6 feet of citizens suspected of breaking ridiculous laws?


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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 0_0 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 2:14 am

Australia to test sewage for coronavirus as testing net widens

As the Federal Government ramps up its response to the coronavirus pandemic, what we flush down the toilet could soon play a role in tracking and stemming the spread of COVID-19.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-17/ ... s/12156858


from 2014 when this kind of stuff was still presented as satire:
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Joe Hillshoist » Sat Apr 18, 2020 6:33 am

0_0 » 18 Apr 2020 16:14 wrote:
Australia to test sewage for coronavirus as testing net widens

As the Federal Government ramps up its response to the coronavirus pandemic, what we flush down the toilet could soon play a role in tracking and stemming the spread of COVID-19.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-04-17/ ... s/12156858


from 2014 when this kind of stuff was still presented as satire:



https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.news.c ... c8d0896b78
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby 0_0 » Sat Apr 25, 2020 3:09 am

Anyone who leaves their house without a reasonable excuse could spend up to 6 months in prison and face an $11,000 fine under a directive [that] gives police sweeping power to enforce restrictions designed to limit the spread of coronavirus in Australia A total of 16 "excuses" for leaving the home are contained in Schedule 1 of the order, including to attend weddings and funerals, which are limited to 5 and 10 people respectively. Other "excuses" include moving house, donating blood, undertaking legal obligations and accessing public services such as Centrelink and domestic violence services. Under the Public Health Act, individuals can be fined up to $11,000 or sent to prison for six months - or both - for breaching these ministerial directives. They can also be fined another $5500 for each day the offence continues.


Six months in jail, $11,000 fine for leaving home without a 'reasonable excuse’
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby Joe Hillshoist » Sat Apr 25, 2020 7:08 am

And yet you can still play golf.
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Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

Postby JackRiddler » Sat Apr 25, 2020 2:59 pm

.

In downtown Brooklyn (how weird that I ever ended up living here it seems to me) for now it's pretty obvious, especially for those of us living across the street from a normally over-policed set of project houses, that the coppers are uninterested in the draconian enforcement of the lockdown, masking and distancing rules. In fact, they largely seem to have disappeared from the streets altogether. No wonder that despite the sick state and city budget cuts (including to the health services!), they found the cash to hire another 250 subway coppers, as promised. Since they got so scarce, all of a sudden. That doesn't mean there haven't been a couple of video recorded cases of outrageous abuse against people of color on the subway and the like. It certainly doesn't mean they are unlikely to be applying the rules arbitrarily and viciously and selectively against the groups you would expect, sooner or later, if this goes on long enough.

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