by LilyPatToo » Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:56 pm
Interesting turn the conversation is taking and, I think, an important one for any survivor of a program who has substance abuse problems. I too ended up on heavy-duty psych drugs and became a zombie for a lot of years. But without them I definitely would have killed myself. So I understand the complicated feelings that survivors have around the subject. We were fed terrible drugs for years and years, with no one who cared about us providing oversight. And our bodies and minds were altered, as a direct result. <br><br>It used to torture me to think about the person I might have become if I'd been luckier, but you know, I'm ME...and that "me" is complex and maybe deeper than the person I might otherwise have been.<br><br>I have alters who still suffer from anxiety and at least one is an alcoholic. Several are addicted to sex. But we function and have managed to get off the psychiatric drugs completely. If it's any consolation or encouragement to the women out there--menopause is tougher than Hell, but it brings with it some relief from the anxiety as hormone levels change and the monthly ups-and-downs cease.<br><br>It just occurred to me this AM that here, where so many people will understand, I can be more open about that terrible "painting block" than I usually am. It actually was a major alter switch that resulted in a new personality in the driver's seat, so to speak. The alter I now refer to as The Painter was "in front" for most of my adult life and possibly since I was in my late teens. We had a terrible time back in the early 90's when my/our husband The Skeptic went through a major identity crisis--The Painter hung on as long as she could, but at the end of it, she was such a mess that she had a choice between suicide or going "inside".<br><br>That was when I, much more left-brain than she, took over. It happened without conscious awareness, except for the fact that I cannot paint at all and she was a lifelong artist. My shrink was unaware of my DID, though he'd diagnosed me as "Very Highly Dissociative", and assumed I was conventionally "blocked" from painting. He tried to help, but was unable to do so, so I stopped painting for a decade.<br><br>I still wrote, though, and as it turned out the cyberpunk science fiction novel I spent 2 years on had a Delta alter of mine as the anti-heroine. But I didn't know that. I wondered why she was so strong-willed and wouldn't cooperate with my plot--! *LOL* Live and learn, huh?<br><br>LilyPat <p></p><i></i>