Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 12:23 pm
rigorousintuition.ca
What you don't know can't hurt them.
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Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
https://www.rigorousintuition.ca/board2/viewtopic.php?t=37418
Page 30 of 38
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Fri Jan 03, 2020 6:34 pm
Brian Kolb, the New York Assembly’s minority leader
Brian Kolb: Drive safely this holiday season
As we prepare to revel in the upcoming holiday celebrations, it is especially important to remember to do so safely. Many of our holiday traditions, especially our New Year’s Eve celebrations, involve indulging in spirits. Done safely, and in moderation, these can be wonderful holiday experiences. However, tragedy can be only one bad decision away.
December is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month, and its message is important: do not operate a vehicle if your ability to do so is impaired. Drunk driving is not only dangerous to the driver, but to vehicle passengers, bystanders and other drivers. Please consider the ramifications of impaired driving, especially as we prepare to close out 2019 and welcome in a new decade.
As part of December’s awareness month, New York State has also embarked on a “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over” enforcement campaign. Started earlier this month, it runs through Jan. 1, 2020. According to information from the Special Traffic Options Program for Driving While Intoxicated, last year alone there were 4,142 arrests for impaired driving and 144,197 tickets and violations issued. This year, let’s try to get both of those numbers to zero.
THERE IS ALWAYS A SAFE WAY TO GET HOME
There is no excuse for impaired driving. Here in New York, we have taxis, ride-sharing services like Uber and Lyft and a robust public transportation system. Please, use these services, or a sober, reliable designated driver when making your way about town.
Further, law enforcement in the state has encouraged drivers to download and use the Stop DWI “Have a Plan” app. By thinking ahead and coming up with a plan before imbibing, many regrettable situations can be avoided.
There is much to celebrate this year, and our time with family and friends is to be cherished. It is my sincerest hope that we can reduce and ultimately eliminate drunk driving tragedies that unfortunately mar the season and, for too many families, turn a season of cheer into a never-ending nightmare. Together, by making responsible choices, we can combat these unneeded, avoidable situations and ensure everyone has a safe, happy and healthy holiday season.
What do you think? I want to hear from you. Send me your feedback, suggestions and ideas regarding this or any other issue facing New York State. You can always contact my district office at 315-781-2030, email me at kolbb@nyassembly.gov, find me by searching for Assemblyman Brian Kolb on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter.
Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb, R-Canandaigua, represents the 131st District, which includes Ontario County and part of Seneca County.
https://www.mpnnow.com/news/20191224/br ... day-season
Lawmaker who warned against drunk driving over the holidays arrested for DWI on New Year’s Eve
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics ... years-eve/
Brian Kolb, Mugshot
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Fri Jan 10, 2020 12:45 pm
New York state politics is interesting. Chamber and party leaders in the legslature and governors and comptrollers can stick around forever, and be all-powerful, but sooner or later near-on all of them turn out to be future indicted felons. It's tradition.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 1:57 pm
Trump awards Presidential Medal of Freedom to Rush Limbaugh...
https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-t ... ugh-2020-2
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2020 12:54 pm
Larry Kudlow says US has contained the coronavirus and the economy is holding up nicely
Published Tue, Feb 25 20201:36 PM EST - Updated Tue, Feb 25 20206:13 PM EST
Fred Imbert
Key Points:
- “We have contained this. I won’t say [it’s] airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight,” said Larry Kudlow, director of the National Economic Council.
- He added that, while the outbreak is a “human tragedy,” it will likely not be an “economic tragedy.”
- “At the moment ... there’s no supply disruptions out there yet,” Kudlow said.
National Economic Council Director Larry Kudlow tried on Tuesday to assuage concerns over the cornavirus and its impact on the U.S. economy.
“We have contained this. I won’t say [it’s] airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight,” Kudlow told CNBC’s Kelly Evans on “The Exchange.” He added that, while the outbreak is a “human tragedy,” it will likely not be an “economic tragedy.”
“There will be some stumbles. We’re looking at numbers; it’s a little iffy,” Kudlow said. “But at the moment ... there’s no supply disruptions out there yet.”
Kudlow’s comments came as the stock market tanked for a second straight day amid worries that the coronavirus outbreak would lead to a prolonged global economic slowdown.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average was more than 700 points lower Tuesday, down 2.7%. On Monday, the 30-stock average had its worst day in two years, dropping more than 1,000 points.
Investors dumped equities in favor of U.S. Treasurys, which are traditionally seen as a safe haven during volatile stretches for the stock market. The benchmark 10-year Treasury yield dropped to 1.32% to reach an all-time low. The 30-year also traded at a record low. Yields move inversely to prices.
Still, Kudlow said the U.S. is “holding up nicely,” adding, “All I can do is look at the numbers.”
WATCH: The full interview with Larry Kudlow
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/25/larry-k ... icely.html
Published Tue, Feb 25 20201:36 PM EST - Updated Tue, Feb 25 20206:13 PM EST
Fred Imbert
Key Points:
- “We have contained this. I won’t say [it’s] airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight,” said Larry Kudlow, director of the National Economic Council.
- He added that, while the outbreak is a “human tragedy,” it will likely not be an “economic tragedy.”
- “At the moment ... there’s no supply disruptions out there yet,” Kudlow said.
National Economic Council Director Larry Kudlow tried on Tuesday to assuage concerns over the cornavirus and its impact on the U.S. economy.
“We have contained this. I won’t say [it’s] airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight,” Kudlow told CNBC’s Kelly Evans on “The Exchange.” He added that, while the outbreak is a “human tragedy,” it will likely not be an “economic tragedy.”
“There will be some stumbles. We’re looking at numbers; it’s a little iffy,” Kudlow said. “But at the moment ... there’s no supply disruptions out there yet.”
Kudlow’s comments came as the stock market tanked for a second straight day amid worries that the coronavirus outbreak would lead to a prolonged global economic slowdown.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average was more than 700 points lower Tuesday, down 2.7%. On Monday, the 30-stock average had its worst day in two years, dropping more than 1,000 points.
Investors dumped equities in favor of U.S. Treasurys, which are traditionally seen as a safe haven during volatile stretches for the stock market. The benchmark 10-year Treasury yield dropped to 1.32% to reach an all-time low. The 30-year also traded at a record low. Yields move inversely to prices.
Still, Kudlow said the U.S. is “holding up nicely,” adding, “All I can do is look at the numbers.”
WATCH: The full interview with Larry Kudlow
https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/25/larry-k ... icely.html
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:32 pm
Montana Man Arrested After His Best Selling Jerky Is Found To Be Made Of Human Meat
February 21, 2020 - GONG
Butte, MT – 72 year old Shep Arnold has been arrested for selling dehydrated human meat A.K.A. jerky at his general store “Shep’s Goods”. Well not all “Shep’s Goods” are “Good”.
Arnold has been running his store for the last 35 years and over time there became a cult following for his distinctive jerky. Most everyone who had the opportunity to visit Butte, would get a some of Shep’s jerky.
It just so happened that an executive from Jack Links was staying in Butte for a family event. He decided to purchase so of Shep’s jerky and take it back to work and see if anyone there could see what it is that made Shep’s jerky so special.
When the jerky made its way back to the Jack Links factory, it was given to the in house scientists to run tests on in hopes of deciphering what ingredients Arnold was using for his jerky. What they didn’t expect was that the meat wasn’t that of a cow, but of a HUMAN! Tests were ran by an independent lab to verify the results by Jack Links. Again Human meat.
Local authorities arrested Arnold on suspicion of using human meat for his jerky that he sold to the public and police needed to find the supply of this meat.
Turns out about once a year in the summer, Shep hires a new helper for his store. “Summer is a busy time and I can use the extra help for a few months”, said Arnold. What he neglected to say, but was later found out by authorities, that 3 of these men have been reported missing.
It doesn’t take much for the Butte authorities to put 2 and 2 together and place Shep Arnold under arrest for making and selling the human meat. While locked up authorities hope to connect the missing men via DNA extracted from the jerky to known samples of the missing men.
As more is revealed, we will update this story.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:57 pm
^^It's satire, from a site called Ringssss. Discount Onions if you will.
Not that I wouldn't believe something like that could happen (see Armin Meiwes for an even more fucked up real life version), I only found the debunking when I went looking for more info on the guy (and if he had an online store
).
Not that I wouldn't believe something like that could happen (see Armin Meiwes for an even more fucked up real life version), I only found the debunking when I went looking for more info on the guy (and if he had an online store
).Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:47 am
[....]
Caelie Wilkes shared her story on her Facebook page, where she wrote, “I’ve had this beautiful succulent for about two years now. I was so proud of this plant. It was full, beautiful coloring, just an overall perfect plant. I had it up in my kitchen window. I had a watering plan for it, if someone else tried to water my succulent I would get so defensive because I just wanted to keep good care of it. I absolutely loved my succulent.”
Unfortunately, when she decided to transplant the plant to a new vase, she made a shocking discovery.
“I go to pull it from the original plastic container it was purchased with to learn this plant was fake,” she wrote. “I put so much love into this plant! I washed its leaves. Tried my hardest to keep it looking its best, and it’s completely plastic! How did I not know this? I pull it from the container it’s sitting on Styrofoam with sand glued to the top!”
Wilkes, a stay-at-home mom, shared photos of the plant, which does look to be real from the top. Once pulled from the container, however, it’s clearly not alive.
“I feel like these last two years have been a lie," Wilkes concluded.
https://www.fox4news.com/news/woman-dis ... ly-plastic
Caelie Wilkes shared her story on her Facebook page, where she wrote, “I’ve had this beautiful succulent for about two years now. I was so proud of this plant. It was full, beautiful coloring, just an overall perfect plant. I had it up in my kitchen window. I had a watering plan for it, if someone else tried to water my succulent I would get so defensive because I just wanted to keep good care of it. I absolutely loved my succulent.”
Unfortunately, when she decided to transplant the plant to a new vase, she made a shocking discovery.
“I go to pull it from the original plastic container it was purchased with to learn this plant was fake,” she wrote. “I put so much love into this plant! I washed its leaves. Tried my hardest to keep it looking its best, and it’s completely plastic! How did I not know this? I pull it from the container it’s sitting on Styrofoam with sand glued to the top!”
Wilkes, a stay-at-home mom, shared photos of the plant, which does look to be real from the top. Once pulled from the container, however, it’s clearly not alive.
“I feel like these last two years have been a lie," Wilkes concluded.
https://www.fox4news.com/news/woman-dis ... ly-plastic
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 11:14 am
That last one's a modern horror story.
I mean, you wonder, is it possible? Could this happen to me?
I mean, you wonder, is it possible? Could this happen to me?
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 12:37 pm
That's absolutely fucking hilarious.
I'd lol so hard if that happened to me.
Real is better, for sure.
But plastic has its upsides.
It's immortal, for one, basically.
Downsides aplenty, though.
So, yeah, choose reality.
This'll alert us to that.
So, is it a nightmare?
Only if you make it so!
Don't! Please! Stop!
Go the other way.
In my Facebook profile About info, my "politics" = pessimism and my "religion" = optimism. The glass: Is it half full, or half empty? Or, hear me out for a second, what if it's: One fifth full. And getting fuller?
I'd lol so hard if that happened to me.
Real is better, for sure.
But plastic has its upsides.
It's immortal, for one, basically.
Downsides aplenty, though.
So, yeah, choose reality.
This'll alert us to that.
So, is it a nightmare?
Only if you make it so!
Don't! Please! Stop!
Go the other way.
In my Facebook profile About info, my "politics" = pessimism and my "religion" = optimism. The glass: Is it half full, or half empty? Or, hear me out for a second, what if it's: One fifth full. And getting fuller?
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:39 pm
The story caught my attention, because a couple of years ago I bought a cute little fake succulent arrangement in an unique container for my bedroom. What tipped me off that it was not real is the fact that it was not in the garden area but home decor.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:47 pm
Okay, but where did the water go?
We've probably been hoaxed, but the horror is enough that the odds of it not being a hoax are greater than zero.
We've probably been hoaxed, but the horror is enough that the odds of it not being a hoax are greater than zero.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:59 pm
JackRiddler wrote:Okay, but where did the water go?
We've probably been hoaxed, but the horror is enough that the odds of it not being a hoax are greater than zero.
(It sucks being suckered.)
eta:
Was she transplanting it because it outgrew its pot?Unfortunately, when she decided to transplant the plant to a new vase, she made a shocking discovery.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2020 2:15 pm
Kudlow is half-drunk.
Or at least, had a few 'nerve-settlers' before he went on.
America, the dog-eat-dog nation, is in trouble. Big trouble.
'Keep working'. You are easily replaced by the survivors from other parts of the world. It's just a question of economics. The pinnacle of The System imposed upon the world is about to reap the rewards it has fomented.
Re: Stories that should come from The Onion but don't
Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2020 2:43 pm
I'm sure a lot of Khmer Rouge and soldiers throughout history overseeing slaughter had to be drunk too.