heartache, asthma, and Sharon

[ir]

today, i felt my heart again, after 18 months of being dead. it came with a memory of my father - in his few good moment with me, taking the time and effort to build a toy, to tell a story in a special way, attempting to show his positive emotions, and then quickly becoming tough again. it caught me in a toy store, as I saw shopping for my son. Also, two days ago I found out I have asthma and that in fact I have been struggling to get AIR for the last year, not knowing this is a physical condition. I started ventoline inhaler, and god, it feels different just having air, its like, suddenly I LIVE. Its strange that I was not aware...it is so typical of abused chidren (adults), who never had maternal care, to be totally out of touch with body, and "just get used to" anything, including gasping for air. <br>So maybe I was just emotinoal because of this drug, it might have effects on the mind, who knows, or I am just oversoding on oxygen...<!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :) --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/smile.gif ALT=":)"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br>--<br>It was strange for me to hear that Sharon has had a stroke. my father, and the "pater familia" of Israel...today also Moshe Karat, the CEO of IAI, the largest aircraft/military complex in Israel, was dealt a lethal blow by the state ombudsman, disclosing further major league corruption. for the last few months, Israeli law enforcement is attempting to crack down on this tyrant and is gradually making progress. <br>This last bit of corruption has to do with Elta, a corporation owned by IAI, and is where my father worked until his retirement more than a decade ago. How symbolic. I suspect Elta is where some of the MC stuff has been going on, the technological part. I had many dreams these night about airplanes. Of course I also suspected that maybe they murdered him, my father, because of this investigation, who knows they are capable of anything, those military corporate types, when they want to cover their trails.<br>-<br>It feels good to breath. But my heart also starts feeling, and I can't hold the pain, at times. <br><br>---<br>My parents met in the IDF, both working in Radar. Years later my father joined Elta, a major Radar company. I sometimes feel like a chip, or a component in a radar. I am just a by product of radar. In fact I was used as a human radar. I feel sick now. <br><br>sorry for this personal, confused. post. <br> <p></p><i></i>

[mother]

IR, I am certain that I am one of many, many people who love reading your messages, and who are glad that you are breathing and that nobody succeeded in rendering you cold and heartless. Hope you feel better soon. <p></p><i></i>

[sw]

edit

[ir]

I am sure the asthma has to do with stress in my case, but also, now that I can breath, I think I have had it for YEARS, in milder form. I dodn't know that these squeeking noises coming from the lungs are not supposed to be there, sort of. I mean i got used to having that most of the time. <br><br>The weird thing, apropos sharon, and my father's death as well, is that although some people serve as oppressors in our lives, we panic when they are gone, totally gone. There is a fear of chaos. I am just letting those thoughts pass through me, with view of the larger social issue, why we keep bringing in tyrants to rule us, and then bitch, and then revolt, and then bring another one of the same kind. I think there's a "tyrant need" inside us, each one of us, in a way. We want to revolt but than we don't know what to suggest as an alternative. don't know, just thoughts. nothing organized.<br> <p></p><i></i>