The Force Awakens

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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby 82_28 » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:37 pm

Fuck you guys for having seen it already! No more spoilers!!!! :eeyaa
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby Belligerent Savant » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:47 pm

.

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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby Elvis » Mon Dec 21, 2015 6:03 am

Image

12.15.151:00 PM ET
Vader Beats Trump in 2016 Poll

Sure, he lost an Empire and destroyed a planet or two. But American millennials are still willing to give the former Anakin Skywalker a chance at running the country.

In a new, completely troll-y and click-bait-y poll released by Ipsos, it appears Americans would rather have a fictional space-knight elected president than any of the real-human 2016 presidential candidates.

The online poll, conducted between Dec. 10 and 14 with a sample of 1,005 adults, found that Obi-Wan Kenobi—a Jedi legend from the Star Wars franchise—beats all the 2016 frontrunners in a head-to-head match-up. (Again, this would never happen because Star Wars is fake and Donald Trump is likely real, but let’s play along.)

For instance, in a race against Hillary Clinton, Obi-Wan would get (if this pointless, intergalactic election were held tomorrow) 37 percent of the vote, whereas Clinton would receive 26 percent.

"Whether it's due to this week's release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, or general disdain by Americans with their political system, this data suggests that the Jedi Order is vastly more popular than either the Republican or Democratic Party,” Chris Jackson, vice president at Ipsos Public Affairs, said in a statement, likely while grinning like a fool. “As we have seen in much of the political data this year, our Republic is more fractured than in recent history. However, it seems that the force could ‘surround us and bind the universe together.’”

More interestingly, the data also reveals how much young Americans generally prefer Darth Vader’s galactic-Hitler policies to Trump’s proto-fascism. In a head-to-head matchup among millennial adult voters, Vader would crush Trump, 27 percent to 18 percent. Moreover, minority voters would rather install Vader as their overlord, rather than elect a President Trump, 26 percent to 13 percent.

This is significant because Lord Vader presided over an Empire that dismantled space-democracy, carried out numerous atrocities, committed at least one act of of genocide, and was mean to Harrison Ford. The worst Lord Trump has done so far is propose oppressing millions of Muslims and rounding up and deporting 11 million people.

The Trump campaign did not respond to a request for comment. The Vader campaign, which does not exist, similarly could not be reached for comment.
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2 ... -poll.html
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby barracuda » Wed Dec 23, 2015 3:18 pm

The Force Awakens made Terminator Genysis look like Gone Girl, that is to say, a marginally good film. That it has the power to make other shitty films look almost decent by comparison is, I find, the best thing I can say about the film, a film that served no purpose at all except to set in motion the backstories for a seemingly infinite number of follow up Star Warts movies, recursing forward through what now appears to be the shittiest possible real-world timeline ever.

Just think: billions of people will be continue to be horribly exposed to this pastiche of pre-sanctified suckage, these pathetic and predictable action figure characters "we've all come to know and love" (oh, good fuck), and x-treme puerile plastic toy marketing, from now til the foreseeable future. Predictive analytics have determined that this movie and its sequels will generate so much non-biodegradable detritus they'll hold responsibility for a significant portion of the Pacific Trash Gyre. It's a harbinger of the blandest white bread dystopia imaginable, an exemplar of just how boring fascism can really be. It succeeds only as a horror film, and as that only outside of the theaters, where it smears it's disgusting goo everywhere, from children's schools, to page-view media glob-erates, even to the produce aisle of the corner grocery store, and down your very gullet. You and I and our descendants will eat Stars Wars force-stuffing and it will sit like a lump of cold, sad, burrito in the collective hive-jejunum for eons, festering and rotting and impossible to push out, no matter the straining.

I cringed so crushingly in embarrassment during this "movie" I feel certain I have generated new facial wrinkles as a result. I developed a squint from it and now have to consciously hold my face so I don't look like Clint Eastwood smelling the ass of an illegal mexican migrant farm worker, an ass which eerily resembles Yoda. Early on I found myself actively hoping for a Gungan character. I figured it would raise the overall quality of the dialog to hear a few "meesa's" and "mooey-mooey's". After that help didn't arrive, I watched act two pretending it was the pitch-premise for the worst Indiana Jones film ever lost in development. And I hate Indiana Jones more than the video oeuvre of the Islamic Caliphate.

The ending could have been improved just a touch by Luke receiving a light saber enema. It's sort of a cliffhanger, by the way, but really, more of a doorknob-hanger, like the way you kill yourself when you can't summon up the ambition or commitment to loop the rope higher than your sternum. It has all the elements of autoerotic asphyxiation, except it's not interesting, or erotic, and there's no tingle of anticipation as you tighten the noose.

I also wish Leia had died horribly, maybe smothered to dead by a rutting Hutt swarm inside one of their slimy underground breed pools. She sounded as if she was trying to swallow her tongue in every scene. Sadly, she didn't succeed.

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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby semper occultus » Wed Dec 23, 2015 4:01 pm

...that's probably alot more more entertaining than the film.....and only took up a fraction of the time...much obliged ... :snicker:
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby Elvis » Wed Dec 23, 2015 4:14 pm

Maybe I'll just wait for the Mad magazine parody. I never read a Mad movie parody and then later saw the movie and didn't feel like I'd already seen it.


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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby backtoiam » Wed Dec 23, 2015 4:44 pm

semper occultus » Wed Dec 23, 2015 3:01 pm wrote:...that's probably alot more more entertaining than the film.....and only took up a fraction of the time...much obliged ... :snicker:


Me too. Thanx for that barracuda. That made me smile. :thumbsup
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby 82_28 » Wed Dec 23, 2015 4:46 pm

Oh Barracuda, I knew it would take The Force to get you out of your shell. I still haven't seen it. I will not be missing it. But all of my birthday presents were Star Wars related for some reason. Like I wanted any of it. I think my family still thinks I'm 5 or something. But I have a little plush "Chewie" on my desk now which my mom spelled "Chewy" when I opened it. I kept the tag on in hopes it becomes some sort of "collectible". . .
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby Elvis » Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:11 pm

82_28 wrote:I have a little plush "Chewie" on my desk now which my mom spelled "Chewy" when I opened it. I kept the tag on in hopes it becomes some sort of "collectible". . .



I'll give you five for it IF the tag is intact. Is there a box?
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby overcoming hope » Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:19 pm

backtoiam » Wed Dec 23, 2015 3:44 pm wrote:
semper occultus » Wed Dec 23, 2015 3:01 pm wrote:...that's probably alot more more entertaining than the film.....and only took up a fraction of the time...much obliged ... :snicker:


Me too. Thanx for that barracuda. That made me smile. :thumbsup


Great review!
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby 82_28 » Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:23 pm

No box, just tags. One tag says
Disney (official font)
Date code: 26515 04627
Made in Dongguan, China

It's like a "beanie baby" type thing.
There is no me. There is no you. There is all. There is no you. There is no me. And that is all. A profound acceptance of an enormous pageantry. A haunting certainty that the unifying principle of this universe is love. -- Propagandhi
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby MacCruiskeen » Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:42 pm

:threadhijacked: :dalek: :benderdance: :ufo: i'm in ur thread never having seen a star wars movie :ufo: :benderdance: :dalek: :threadhijacked:
"Ich kann gar nicht so viel fressen, wie ich kotzen möchte." - Max Liebermann,, Berlin, 1933

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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby JackRiddler » Wed Dec 23, 2015 7:54 pm

WOW! No chance I was ever going to go (nor have I watched a whole movie or even more than one or two consecutive scenes from the franchise since I was 17 and Return of the Jedi was in theaters, back in 83 or whenever it was) but this, this, really makes it seem almost worth the fuss. Thank you.

barracuda » Wed Dec 23, 2015 2:18 pm wrote:The Force Awakens made Terminator Genysis look like Gone Girl, that is to say, a marginally good film. That it has the power to make other shitty films look almost decent by comparison is, I find, the best thing I can say about the film, a film that served no purpose at all except to set in motion the backstories for a seemingly infinite number of follow up Star Warts movies, recursing forward through what now appears to be the shittiest possible real-world timeline ever.

Just think: billions of people will be continue to be horribly exposed to this pastiche of pre-sanctified suckage, these pathetic and predictable action figure characters "we've all come to know and love" (oh, good fuck), and x-treme puerile plastic toy marketing, from now til the foreseeable future. Predictive analytics have determined that this movie and its sequels will generate so much non-biodegradable detritus they'll hold responsibility for a significant portion of the Pacific Trash Gyre. It's a harbinger of the blandest white bread dystopia imaginable, an exemplar of just how boring fascism can really be. It succeeds only as a horror film, and as that only outside of the theaters, where it smears it's disgusting goo everywhere, from children's schools, to page-view media glob-erates, even to the produce aisle of the corner grocery store, and down your very gullet. You and I and our descendants will eat Stars Wars force-stuffing and it will sit like a lump of cold, sad, burrito in the collective hive-jejunum for eons, festering and rotting and impossible to push out, no matter the straining.

I cringed so crushingly in embarrassment during this "movie" I feel certain I have generated new facial wrinkles as a result. I developed a squint from it and now have to consciously hold my face so I don't look like Clint Eastwood smelling the ass of an illegal mexican migrant farm worker, an ass which eerily resembles Yoda. Early on I found myself actively hoping for a Gungan character. I figured it would raise the overall quality of the dialog to hear a few "meesa's" and "mooey-mooey's". After that help didn't arrive, I watched act two pretending it was the pitch-premise for the worst Indiana Jones film ever lost in development. And I hate Indiana Jones more than the video oeuvre of the Islamic Caliphate.

The ending could have been improved just a touch by Luke receiving a light saber enema. It's sort of a cliffhanger, by the way, but really, more of a doorknob-hanger, like the way you kill yourself when you can't summon up the ambition or commitment to loop the rope higher than your sternum. It has all the elements of autoerotic asphyxiation, except it's not interesting, or erotic, and there's no tingle of anticipation as you tighten the noose.

I also wish Leia had died horribly, maybe smothered to dead by a rutting Hutt swarm inside one of their slimy underground breed pools. She sounded as if she was trying to swallow her tongue in every scene. Sadly, she didn't succeed.

1/7th of a ☆
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

To Justice my maker from on high did incline:
I am by virtue of its might divine,
The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby Agent Orange Cooper » Wed Dec 23, 2015 8:12 pm

it wasn't that bad
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Re: The Force Awakens

Postby JackRiddler » Wed Dec 23, 2015 8:15 pm

Joao » Fri Dec 18, 2015 5:53 pm wrote:
JackRiddler » Fri Dec 18, 2015 12:11 pm wrote:It was an unexpectedly mature and enjoyable turn for the series to see Leia preside over a reign of terror that didn't stop at liquidating ancien regime elements but also did whatever it took to keep the Revolution on track. Not for a minute did our iron-fisted Galactic Napoleona hesitate to let the guillotine-sabre fall on her brother's neck. Enemies of the Alliance shall all be equal, in death. All hail First Consul Leia! I don't think it's going to go to go so well in the next part with her plan to invade the Winter Galaxy, however. But a hell of a ride it was.

Lol! "These blast points... too accurate for sans-culottes."

Cast of characters:
  • Maximil-Wan Kenobspierre
  • R2-Danton
  • Louis Antoine de Saint-3PO
  • Monteskywalker
  • Napoleando Calrissian
  • Jean-Jacques Yodeau
  • Darth Voltaire
  • Princess Leiantoinette ("Let them eat bantha fodder.")
  • Louis the Hutt
And... of course it's already been done--

Image


Moderately funny, thanks!

If one scene sums up the odious shittiness of the whole franchise, it came already no more than, what, a third or halfway through the first movie? -- Yes, I mean the actual first movie, you poor fankids, which was not the "fourth" but the original, the one that both put an abrupt and irreversible end to the 10-year Golden Age of Hollywood and recuperated military recruitment for 12-year-olds (just when I was 12 and thus the Ground Zero demographic for this bilge) in the wake of the "lost" American war in Vietnam (surely Mr. Manatee's most precise blast-point) --

Right, I was saying (before my digression, which can only be fully understood on RI), a third or halfway through the first movie (the title of which has exactly two words in it), that lovably hateable Vader, Who Will Be Redeemed, makes Leia (his daughter!) watch while he blows up her (their!) planet, killing X billion people, a holocaust times a thousand, and everyone she's ever known or loved is dead, etc. And a scene or two later it's forgotten, and she's snapping out one-liners and flirting in the garbage dump with the rest of them, and by the end she and everyone else is all smiles because they blew up the death star and Luke has achieved Level II Jedi, no problem, happy ending!

..

(And to think a diaspora Greek's responsible! Why don't WE ever get blamed for Hollywood? Plus two contenders for surely the most odious of all capitalists, Pete Peterson, whom most have never even heard of despite influence possibly exceeding Gates', and Jamie Dimon, also Greeks. And the Negropontes! How come WE never get blamed for anything except being lazy?! I'm getting Zionazi Conspiracy Envy!)
We meet at the borders of our being, we dream something of each others reality. - Harvey of R.I.

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I am by virtue of its might divine,
The highest Wisdom and the first Love.

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