Stories that should come from The Onion but don't

[MacCruiskeen]

[coffin_dodger]

^^ that should go in brexit thread too; for posterity. What a weasel.

[coffin_dodger]

This thread should really be re-titled Living In Today's Onion Reality

Reporter caught trying to catch Pokemon during State briefing 22 July 2016
US State Department spokesman John Kirby was holding a press conference on efforts to combat so-called Islamic State when he stopped to ask: 'You are playing the Pokemon thing right there, aren't you?'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-36863920

Trump paints dark picture of America 22 July 2016
Donald Trump painted a dark picture of the state of America as he accepted the Republican nomination for president.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-36852612

Love the editing in the above Trump video - to reduce it's salient points to under 1min 30secs. Lowest Common Denominator is making a resurgence.

edited to add dates

[coffin_dodger]

there's more -

UKIP councillor apologises for 'joking' Remain voters be killed 20 July 2016
A UKIP councillor who said on social media that all Remain voters should be killed has apologised and said his comments were a joke.
Terence Nathan, a councillor in Bromley, south-east London, posted on Facebook it was "time to start killing these people".
He wrote: "There is no need for threats just a bullet".
A spokesperson from UKIP said the councillor was "obviously joking".
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-36842940

[PufPuf93]

Trump: I wish Ivanka and Chelsea Clinton weren't friends

Donald Trump said Friday that he wishes his daughter Ivanka and Hillary Clinton's daughter Chelsea weren't friends.

"I thought Chelsea did a nice job. You know, Chelsea likes Ivanka and Ivanka likes Chelsea," Trump said at a Denver rally Friday, referring to Chelsea Clinton's convention speech Thursday. "I wish they didn't like each other, but they do."

The two women were friends before their parents' presidential campaigns and Donald Trump said they have remained on good terms.

"It's easier if they don't like each other. You would think that relationship would be strained, but they like each other," Trump said Friday.

Trump made similar remarks at an earlier Colorado rally Friday.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ ... ar-BBv2D9d

[elfismiles]

SEE IT: Texas mattress store blasted for tone-deaf ‘Twin Tower Sale’ commercial, days before 9/11
BY DENIS SLATTERY
NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Thursday, September 8, 2016, 7:09 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZmM-2gj5Gc

A Texas mattress store made a mockery of the Sept. 11 terror attack on the World Trade Center with a nauseating advertisement on social media.

Miracle Mattress of San Antonio promoted their upcoming “Twin Tower Sale” with a tasteless video featuring two stacks of mattresses that tumble over.

The tower-like piles, one featuring an American flag flying near the top, are toppled by a pair of smiling employees.


Miracle Mattress of San Antonio promoted their upcoming “Twin Tower Sale” with a tasteless video featuring two stacks of mattresses that tumble over. (MIRACLE MATTRESS)

The appalling 21-second spot ends with store manager Cherise Bonanno shrieking and turning to the camera to deadpan, “We’ll never forget.”

Walmart builds tasteless 9/11 tribute display with packs of Coke
The ad for the sale, which offers any size mattress for the price of a twin, was removed from the store’s Facebook page Thursday, as hundreds of horrified viewers condemned the tone-deaf video.

The store should have forgotten to make this ad in the first place. (MIRACLE MATTRESS VIA TWITTER)
“I’ve never done business with you before and I will make sure I never do business with you in the future,” wrote Adrianne Zawadski. “How you could even think for one second that anyone would find this funny or non-offensive is beyond me!”

The company offered a half-hearted apology after the backlash, the Dallas Morning News first reported.

The store apologized Thursday. (MIRACLE MATTRESS VIA TWITTER)
“To all of those who have seen our 9/11 sale. We are very sorry we have offended you. Our intentions were not to hurt anyone at all,” the post read. “Our staff is full of military and some relatives have passed away due to 9/11.”

Long lost iconic flag raised on 9/11 reemerges
“Too bad you can't apologize to the men and woman that died on 9/11, many that I worked with,” wrote Scott Alan. “I’ll be forwarding this to every police and fire agency in your area so they can see what your all about.”

“You’re sorry you offended me? That’s not an apology I accept,” wrote Heather English. “Apologizing for creating it in the first place would be a start. Admitting you were WRONG for creating it is another step. There will never be an appropriate time to mock 9/11, and to do it to promote mattress sales?! Are you kidding me?”

Sunday will be the 15th anniversary of the worst terror attack on American soil.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nationa ... -1.2783896

ETA MISC:

Meanwhile in Austin yesterday...

Car Dangling Off Parking Garage Rules Austin Internet's Friday Afternoon
By MATT LARGEY



UPDATE 5:15 p.m.: The car has been lowered to the ground.

EARLIER: Just before 3 p.m. word came from the Austin Fire Department's Twitter account: a car was dangling off the roof of a parking garage at Congress and 6th Street in downtown Austin.

Vehicle went over edge of parking garage between 5th and 6th, alley east of Congress https://t.co/vTlR7XKz2J
— Austin Fire Info (@AustinFireInfo) September 9, 2016
Here's a video from the scene as the car dangled:



The person was in the car when it went over the edge and became entangled in a safety cable, but he made it out safely.

It didn't take long for the news to take off on the internet.

[seemslikeadream]

Florida woman says cop tried to apologize with 'sorry I tased you' cake


http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nationa ... -1.2812263

[JackRiddler]

Area Man in Red Sweater Still Undecided.

Ken Bone Is Closer to Deciding, After Debate
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/11/us/po ... ebate.html

A desperate America seeking distraction from an ugly political climate may have found a new sweetheart. He is Kenneth Bone, an undecided voter in a bright red sweater.

Whether that affection will last once he makes up his mind remains to be seen. In an interview with The New York Times, he revealed how he is now leaning.

[Pele'sDaughter]

Joe, the Plumber, redux?

[seemslikeadream]

Black man arrested in Minnesota for walking in the road

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/nationa ... -1.2833710

[norton ash]

http://jezebel.com/chicago-elementary-s ... 1788385290

Chicago Elementary School Cancels Christian Haunted House Depicting Pulse Night Club Shooting

Fernwood Elementary School in Chicago was all set to co-host a so-called “Christian” haunted house that included a recreation of the Pulse nightclub massacre, but are now backing out and disavowing the event, Chicago Public School officials told the Windy City Times (a local LGBT weekly).

[seemslikeadream]

Melania Trump Is Very Upset By People Who Bully Others On The Internet


Florida Police Arrest Naked Man With Wires Attached To Genitals

[seemslikeadream]

Retirement Home Terrorized By Squirrel So Vicious They Call 911: 'People Are Bleeding!'

[coffin_dodger]

Teenager summoned to court for feeding McDonald's chip to pigeon - Telegraph 6 November 2016

Lauren-Paige Smith, 19, was tucking into lunch when she gave the bird a chip, which it wolfed down.

But moments later, the customer services advisor was handed a £25 fine for littering.

Miss Smith told the official that the bird had finished the chip and there was no 'litter' left, but she was still fined.

cont - http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/11 ... to-pigeon/

[DrEvil]

2016 Election: Donald Trump Wins the White House in Upset